The Cult of I-AA: Elvis is in the building
When Jerry Glanville came to the Atlanta Falcons, the team still wore red helmets and jerseys, drew almost no one to home games and even managed to botch the top draft picks they earned with their catastrophic play on the field. Glanville changed Falcons' motif to Johnny Cash, left tickets for Elvis, took the birds to the playoffs twice and generally managed to keep everyone's attention off the losses when the Falcons weren't "2 Legit 2 Quit." If you've been a Falcons' fan as long as I have, this pretty much puts Glanville in the Falcons' coaching Hall of Fame with Dan Reeves and Leeman Bennett. It's pretty grim being a Falcons' fan. And the High Priest wants to take a few moments to congratulate him. It would have been easy for Glanville to continue enjoying the sunny perfection of Hawaii, where he was serving as the defensive coordinator for another ex-Falcons' coach, June Jones. It would have been easy to return to television, where he was as adept as any ex-jock or ex-coach to take up the mic and twice as entertaining. My dream "Monday Night Football" broadcast booth would be Glanville, Dennis Miller and the corpse of Howard Cosell in a four-man booth with Pat Summerall calling the action. But I digress. It isn't like Glanville is inheriting a bare cupboard, either. On short notice, Glanville took over for Tim Walsh when the former PSU head man joined Army as offensive coordinator. The Vikings went 7-4 last season, and were just one touchdown from beating Montana and entering at least the playoff discussion. In fact, the Vikings have had solid stretches of play going back to the 2003 season—Portland State has just fallen a little shy of capitalizing, particularly late in the season. Glanville might just be the man to change that type of performance. Some coaches just fit the college game better than the pro one. Pete Carroll at Southern California is a great example. The Rah-rah attitude and enthusiasm may not have caught on among the guys getting paid to play, but things seem to be working out okay at USC. Most of all, he'll help the Vikings by drawing attention to them. In I-AA, even the powerhouses can get ignored. Montana has some key advantages because, hell, it's the University of Montana. You could cross Georgia and South Carolina and not cover the distance between UM and, well, civilization. Georgia Southern is within a modest drive of Georgia, Georgia Tech, Alabama, Auburn, Florida and Florida State. Appalachian State is more or less next door neighbors to Virginia Tech, Tennessee, NC States, West Virginia and a few other I-A powers (as well as also-ran football schools like North Carolina and Duke). Youngstown State has four I-AA national titles, but still toils in the very long shadow of Big 10 football—particularly Ohio State, who even robbed the Penguins of their most successful football coach. It's usually the other way around in I-AA. Great coaches get their head coaching break with the smaller program, then get snapped up a la Jim Tressell, Paul Johnson or Bobby Johnson. To see a "name" coach willingly move into a position in the Cult is nice, and as a fan of both the subdivision and the Atlanta Falcons, I hope Glanville does well. Make Elvis proud, Jerry. Lost and found Lost: One NFL quarterback, high mileage, big luggage rack for excess baggage. Last seen at PetSmart. Scratch that. Last seen in federal court. Found: Former Payton award winning quarterback. Currently residing in the sovereign nation of Texas under the direction of owner/head coach Jerry Jones. Not meant for special teams play. Lost: Starting running back for the Chicago Bears. Injury-prone. Not actually lost yet, but Cult fans are hoping. Found: Perfectly good NFL running back on Chicago bench. Division I's all-time leading rusher. Lost: Brittany Spears' dignity. Found: Panties, unused. (Sorry, I know Brittany jokes are so two Lindsay Lohan DUIs ago). Lost: The next 1,500 words for this column. Found: Next week's "Cult of I-AA," featuring a rundown of the rankings, week one predictions, a ballot for the Cult Hall of Fame and the All-Cult Fantasy Team. in other words, something more like last week's yak-fest. Up next Thursday or Friday. Note to pet lovers No animals were harmed in the writing of this column. I mean, I accidentally kicked the cat, but that little sumbitch is always hiding out under the desk and I always forget to look. As for all the Mike Vick jokes, I laugh to keep from crying. My favorite pro football team is in the hands of—oh, God—Joey Harrington, which is just a step better than having Joey Buttafucco under center. I even named my fantasy team Bad Newz Kennels in an act of defiance. But I hope anyone who engages in dog fighting is reincarnated as a Milk Bone. Until next week, don't share the secret handshake.
If Glanville has even close to the positive effect on Portland State that he had on the lowly Atlanta Falcons, fans of the Vikings could be rejoicing like fat Elvis at an all-night waffle bar. In case you missed it, Glanville is joining the Cult of I-AA as the Vikings' new head coach.
Glanville, too, has the kind of charisma that made him popular with the players even in The League. He'll have the Vikings running like their hair is on fire and their asses are catching. He'll make his team meaner between the lines than Mike Vick's guard dog. He'll have the Utah Chapter of the Flying Elvises parachute in for the season opener. Okay, I made up the last part (I hope).
Until now, the most recognizable name associated with Portland State might have been Hugh Hefner squeeze Holly Madison. Glanville will add some non-bimbo name recognition to a program bookended by Oregon and Oregon State and overshadowed in its own division by schools like Montana, Montana State and eastern Washington. Just a little name recognition goes a long way in I-AA, too. The last recognizable name to transition to I-AA was former Georgia defensive coordinator Brian VanGorder and… okay, bad example. How about Erk Russell, who started up the Georgia Southern program from scratch as a household name among Southern football fans and won three national titles? That's a little better, and more appropriate, since by all accounts Glanville has plenty of personality where BVG had, ahh, a moustache. Sort of.
"Lost:" This week's Cult Babe, Evangaline Lilly. The High Priest would like to end up on a desert island with her. Only without all the crazy Others and man-eating smoke and crackhead rock stars. Of course, the soon-to-be High Priestess might veto said island excursion.
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