The Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking: The Cult of I-AA: We’re Stuck Here Now, My Flock

Welcome back to the Temple of Division I Championship Football, my little gridiron sycophants—the High Priest of I-AA is back in the pulpit. It's been two years since I sat down and put together my weekly scroll of entertainment, insight and fun football facts for America's greatest collective underground sports fan base. Forgive me if I seem a little rusty, and remember that I am no longer a full-time sports writer and "insider" (cue music appropriate to a conspiracy movie). The High Priest is writing from the fan's perspective these days.

That's right—I'm one of you. Only better.

Let's get right down to things, shall we.

To quote Springfield Elementary's esteemed groundskeeper: "Willie warned ye!!"

In April and May of this year, the High Priest was coming off a series of blog posts about how my hometown Georgia Southern Eagles should look to move out of I-AA. I've long been a supporter of GSU staying put and remaining a big fish in a small pond , so I consistently stated that my motivation for this change of opinion was because I loved I-AA football, not because I hated it. Sort of how I watch The Simpsons less these days—I just can't stand to see a diminished product, one that is the victim of its own success. I'll have more to say about all that somewhere down the road.

(In case you're interested, those posts are here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part 3.2, Part IV, Part V – I never wrote the final recap I promised, so consider this it).

I later corresponded with a GSU fan known for abrasively pursuing the I-A agenda on message boards and we talked about the climate around I-AA (or FCS, a term I abhor for reasons that will soon become apparent). On June 17, I posted the following diatribe:

"[There] are already three tiers of D-I football—I-A haves, I-A have-nots, and I-AA.

When (not if) the BCS eventually makes a power play to either (a) seal off I-A from any more teams moving up and siphoning off their revenue or (b) kick out the lower-tier teams altogether or (c) break off completely from the NCAA and negotiate their own TV contract for the full season, then the best place for schools like Georgia Southern, App State, UMass, Delaware, Youngstown State, Montana and other legitimate football schools currently in I-AA to be is with the lower-tier I-As. That block of schools will have the real power to (a) form a better, 85-scholarship championship football league (b) legally cock-block the BCS, possibly forcing a playoff at the sport's highest level or (c) live off the settlement money the NCAA will pay those schools to not be a pain in the ass."

So what did the NC-two-A just do? That's right. Option A—they capped the well, instituting a moratorium on moves between divisions and subdivisions until 2011. The actual proposal explained the move thusly:

"In 2000, the membership approved a moratorium to allow each division an appropriate time period to address issues related membership growth. During that two-year time period, Division I established a more detailed educational assessment program to govern the transition to Division I and developed standards that more clearly distinguish football playing institutions among subdivisions. While the membership transition processes have improved, the simple fact is that migration to Division I continues and shows no sign of slowing down… It is difficult to project the implications of such recommendations on the Division I membership. Further, Division I is undertaking a potential change in its governance structure. With that in mind, it is likely that it will take some time to establish a framework to address membership issues, analyze the current philosophies, expectations and requirements and introduce and begin to implement proposed changes. A four-year period should provide a reasonable amount of time to accomplish this initiative."

Anyone who is surprised by this move hasn't been hanging out with the High Priest for the last three years. In 2004, I wrote a series of articles about I-A and I-AA for the Statesboro Herald. I interviewed Sun Belt commissioner Wright Waters, who said, "There is a point of diminishing returns at the number of schools. Conferences fill up. And there's going to be no more room at the well."

In other words, my little football worshippers, it isn't like this is breaking news.

So what does it mean for I-AA? Two scenarios show up most often in the High Priest's crystal ball:

(1) The "old" BCS conferences (Big 10, Big 12, Big East, ACC, SEC, Pac-10) plus Notre Dame will use the next BCS television contract to peel themselves off from the I-A "have nots" and play a four-team playoff championship. Odds: about as good as Brittany and Paris showing up on a sex tape together—you know it could happen, it might even be out there, but it would still be a little bit of a surprise.

(2) The I-As will hold on to their money-factory bowl structure through at least one more BCS contract, but in doing so will continue to play nice with mid-major I-As. Odds: you could lead college presidents off a cliff like lemmings with a suitcase full of money. The Magic 8-Ball is indicating this scenario plays out.

If the current I-AAs want to make any progress, the subdivision has to hope for scenario two above and three things have got to happen or be in the process of happening by 2011:

(1) The new scholarship maximum for I-AA football must increase to 75.

(2) The I-AA championship game must move to Dec. 30 and the field must include the champions of both HBCU conferences currently not involved in the post season and the Ivy League.

(3) A minimum of 60 scholarships or equivalent grants-in-aid must be issued by any school participating in the I-AA playoffs.

As sports fans grow more sick and tired of the antiquated Bowl system, I-AA would be improving by leaps and bounds over the four-year period. More scholarships mean deeper teams. Adding the HBCUs and the Ivy schools adds broader appeal to the playoffs. Moving the title game lets the Ivy play its traditional schedule, lets the HBCUs have their annual post-season "Classic" and gains a wider national audience by positioning the I-AA title game between the shit bowls and the actual entertaining I-A bowls while also drawing attention to the disparity in how the two subdivisions crown a champion.

By the end of the moratorium (which will never actually end, I foresee—I-A will just find a way to cap off enrollment some other way), it will be as lucrative to be a powerful I-AA team as to be a middling I-A. And with less expense by the institution.

Before you scoff, just remember that the High Priest warned ya before. He warned ya!!

"The top dogs of I-A football will not let dozens of I-AA teams ascend to their level and begin eating off of their table without doing something." I wrote that in 2004, to close out the series about I-A vs. I-AA in the Herald.

Three and friggin' eight (and other bad news that actually mattered)

It is hard for a Georgia Southern alum to think too much about the 2006 football season. The Eagles lost wide receiver Teddy Craft, a great player and a good friend of the High Priest, in a motorcycle accident before the opening game of the season. Then legendary head coach Erk Russell, still the best coach this side of Eddie Robinson to ever stroll the sidelines of a I-AA school, passed away on the eve of the 2006 opener. He, too, was a soul I feel blessed to have gotten to know.

Then the Eagles go 3-8 under a head coach with the personality of potted meat.

Making matters much, much, much worse: Appalachian State ends up winning the national title!! For the second time!! By beating a team with a stud running back—Steve Baylark—who signed with Georgia Southern out of high school and was the heir-apparent to Adrian Peterson. Our Adrian, not that guy with the Vikings.

When I was still on the scene, there was more order to the universe.

So that's my recap of '06. I am now going to my appointment at Lacuna, Inc., to have it erased from my brain.

Summer blockbusters

As always, the High Priest and soon-to-be High Priestess spent a lot of the summer at the movies, where we caught most of the blockbusters. Like preseason polls, most of the summer movie slate was just over-hyped mediocrity. Even the movies I liked had some glaring weaknesses. But what would the Cult of I-AA be without some Cult Babes, right!?! And if there was one thing this summer's movie lineup had, it was a boatload of hotties!!

Here are my summer movie reviews based solely on the "babe factor."

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Keira Knightly is still one of the hottest babes around. The movie had some good skin, but nothing to pause the DVD player on. Four babe stars.

Transformers: Megan Fox gets my vote for best newcomer, although she has some TV and movie experience. Good sweaty scenes. Also, she changed outfits like 42 times in this movie with no regard to the plot. Decepticons land at Hoover Dam: spaghetti tank top and jeans. Autobots arrive 10 minutes later: lace top with butt-emphasizing khakis. And the geeks were pissed because Bumblebee wasn't a VW Bug. They should get out more. Four babe stars.

300: Lena Headey . Smoking, red hot babe. Gets naked and kills a guy by sticking a Spartan shank in his gut. Not technically a summer movie, but… Four babe stars.

Fantastic Four 2: I'm not saying that Jessica Alba isn't hot. She is. She's also more overrated than NFL linebacker coaches taking over I-AA powerhouses. Okay, maybe not that overrated. I do like it when she goes from invisible to visible and doesn't have any clothes on. Three-and-a-half babe stars.

Spider-Man 3: Kirsten Dunst has lost a step, if you ask me. Or maybe it was just that this movie sucked out loud and lacked the "I'm-obviously-not-wearing-undergarments" factor of Spidey 2. Three babe stars.

Knocked Up: This one requires two ratings. As a babe, Katherine Heigl gets four very, very solid babe stars. But she was pregnant through three-quarters or more of this flick, and while I know she wasn't really preggo, I suspend my disbelief enough that she went from smoking-hot-babe to smoking-hot-pregnant babe. Pregnant women are beautiful, just not the same kind of beautiful as a Spartan Queen wearing a strategically-place dish towel with a tummy you can bounce a quarter off of and get back two dimes and a nickel. Two-and-a-half babe stars.

Harry Potter 5: Emma Thompson's future is either to go the way of costars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint and try to gain artistic points by doing a movie in which she gets doffs her clothes or she goes the way of Anna Paquin and quietly builds a career with solid parts that don't overextend or overhype her. Or, OR, she ends up appearing on the 3 a.m. Cinemax special in 2029. Babe star rating unavailable due to youthful nature of cast (but you can bet it's a robust two-and-a-half in private).

Shrek 3: She was animated. She was an ogre. She was also
pregnant. Even in real life, she was Cameron Diaz, spokes model for the Real South Beach Diet—cocaine and martinis. Negative one babe stars.

Back to football

In case you're still mulling over my scenario from above that has I-AA growing in popularity just by adding a few scholarships and playing a more well-positioned championship game, consider Boise State. In the Ron Shelton flick Tin Cup, Renee Russo (Dr. Molly Griswold) reflects on the monstrous "12" carded by Kevin Costner's character, Roy McAvoy—a "12" that ended with a remarkable shot that went in the hole to the crowd's screaming delight.

"It was the greatest 12 of all time. No one's going to remember the Open 10 years from now, who won...but they'll remember your 12! My, God, Roy, it was...Well, it's immortal! I am so proud of you!"

Not many people outside of Florida and Ohio will be able to instantly recall the 2006 I-A BCS champion. At least not people who get dates. But almost anyone who paid any attention at all will remember Boise State, a former I-AA champion, beating the mighty Oklahoma Sooners in one of the greatest games ever played. And everyone will remember thinking that the undefeated Broncos deserved at least a shot at the title, even if Florida, Ohio State and LSU were all three far better teams than OU.

So imagine the surge in credibility for I-AA when two teams with only 10 fewer scholarships than their bigger brothers stage a championship game that is the culmination of a four-game playoff and play that game on a night usually reserved for the bowl games just under the BCS bowls. Imagine that the NCAA actually leveraged its incredibly lucrative basketball contract to assure that the I-AA championship was the only game on that night.

Instant credibility—maybe not quite like Boise State, but if a team as equivalently dominant as some of the great teams in I-AA history emerged, wouldn't the credibility of the competition and of the playoff system suddenly shoot through the roof? Wouldn't a game between the I-AA champion and I-A champion to open the next season look less like a sacrificial lamb and more like a compelling ticket if the I-AA powerhouse suddenly had 12 more scholarships?

A great I-AA championship game wouldn't be a "12." It would be immortal.

Um, by the way, it's "FCS" now

No one at the NCAA consulted the High Priest before renaming I-A and I-AA last fall. They just went ahead with a bonehead plan to call I-A the "Football Bowl Subdivision" or FBS and I-AA the "Football Championship Subdivision" or FCS.

This was stupider than Prince changing his name to a symbol.

I pretty much had a nice gut full of bile in a former post on this blog when I wrote: "If people couldn't figure out that I-AA was part of Division I, how in the hell are they supposed to know that the FCS is?!? The former I-A schools don't have to struggle with brand identity. You could call them NASCAR and even casual fans would know that Michigan is one of the big boys."

One of the ideas I heard kicked around before the change in nomenclature was to call I-A schools "BCS" schools and call I-AA "Division I Football." I thought that was a pretty good idea. Then it got all fucked up. It was like feeling good about the idea of overthrowing the Taliban in Afghanistan and waking up five years later hopelessly mired in Iraq with little chance of extricating U.S. forces without a global meltdown.

So forgive me if I don't call it the FCS for a while. Maybe one day. Just not now.

Speaking of politics…

Since we're reforming the NCAA's bowl and playoff structure here at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking, why not look at revamping the political system, too?

With about 96 candidates declared for the Presidential race of '08, the thing that stands out the most in this political season is that there are at least three viable candidates from each party. It is an embarrassment of riches that leads to a simple speculation.

With so many candidates raising so much money and connecting with individualized voting blocks, wouldn't it seem plausible to believe that the two-party system might take a big kick in the groin soon? Imagine the scenario where Hillary and Fred Thompson win their respective party's nominations, but Obama locks up John Edwards or Bill Richardson as a running mate and Rudy Giuliani talks Newt into coming on board and suddenly there's a four-way run. Obama runs as a Centrist Democrat and gets Colin Powell to come on board for foreign policy clout. Rudy runs as a Centrist Republican and tells the religious right to take a flying leap while "no new taxing" his way into the hearts of the real Republicans—Blue Bloods who voted for Clinton secretly in '96 because their wallets told them to.

I bet Ross Perot gets tingly in his Cialis zone just thinking about it.

The point isn't that despite halting my drug use years ago I can still hallucinate a system where politicians can actually run on the issues and possibly win. The point is that in the Information Age we don't have to limit our pool of potential elected officials to two folks based on party affiliation. In 1890, when it took a long time to get the word out about just one guy, having the parties pare things down made sense. But in 2006, it is conceivable to think that as many as six or seven candidates could battle it out by taking a real stand on issues and letting the American people decide what they want their Chief executive to believe in. This would eliminate much of the possibility of electing a religious zealot, a sellout or an intellectual midget.

It would also increase the possibility of electing Hulk Hogan in 2016. So it isn't a foolproof system.

Vote Quimby!

Tired yet?

The High Priest is just shy of 3,000 words, and he hasn't even taken up preseason polls, I-AA conference bragging rights or talked about Jerry Glanville leaving tickets for Elvis in the Great Northwest. If you've hung in there this long, thanks a lot. I'll be back next week with another Cult column. You can expect new entries to go up on this blog Thursday nights or Friday mornings. And we'll always have new Cult Babes. At least until I get married in October and hand my testicles over to be placed in a safe deposit box. After that, we'll see.