Sitting, waiting, wishing
The following time management grenade was rolled into the MySpace inbox of the Dean of the Instituite of Higher Thinking, Scott Garner. Rather than pursue other, meaningful courses of activity, the dean immediately tuned into the Institute’s campus radio station, WIHT, and spent the next several hours compiling the following entry.
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the first line, song title and artist from the song to answer the question. NO CHEATING!
HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I used to ride with a vending machine repairman/he said he’s been down this road more than twice/he got high on intellectualism/I’ve never been there, but the brochure looks nice…
Sheryl Crowe
“Every Day is a Winding Road”
The brochure for intellectualism actually has Stephen Hawking’s face perfectly Photoshopped onto the body of the guy who played Leonidas in 300.
WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE?
Well it was ugly but we made it this far/some are gone but I forget who they are/now the hangovers are worse but we get through ‘em fine/sleeping late but we’re not lazy/getting older but we’re still crazy/I’m so glad that I have these friends of mine
Bowling for Soup
“Friends of Mine”
Okay, that was more than the first line. The spirit of instruction 3 should have been “use the first complete sentiment in the song.”
WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY THINK OF YOU?
Man, what the fuck is he talking about?
The Coup
“Two Enthusiastic Thumbs Down”
This, no shit, just came up at random… swear to God. I think my dad said these words verbatim twice on Sunday.
WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
I feel like an outline/but the middle part is missing/and the moonlight is kissing the details away
Jill Sobule
“Sold My Soul”
A really depressing song. I feel like I should call some people and apologize for random shit.
WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU?
Heads of state who ride and wrangle/who look at your face from more than one angle/can cut you from their bloated budgets like sharpening knives through chicken McNuggets…
Cake
“Nugget”
Getting eerie…
WHAT DO(ES) YOUR EX(ES) THINK OF YOU?
All of us, all of us sing about it
Dandy Warhols
“Plan A” (featuring Simon LeBon)
Of course, for all the singing, I was still ultimately “Plan B” for this demographic.
Spend your nights here we’ll always be up late
Howie Day
“Sorry, So Sorry”
Unless we’re going to bed at 10… again.
HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE?
Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call…
Jimmy Buffett
“A Pirate Looks at 40”
Sorry, Jessica, apparently I’m going to cheat on you with The Little Mermaid.
WILL YOU GET MARRIED?
We built the houses in a row/On the streets we used to know/All the things out in the yard/Beckoning there to and fro/And if the money isn’t right, can I be yours tonight?
Whiskeytown
“Easy Hearts”
Translation: yes, on October 13th.
WILL YOU HAVE KIDS?
Well, meet be by the river that goes nowhere…
Cracker
“Mr. Wrong”
Paging a fertility specialist.
WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Man in uniform told me once to get out
Pete Yorn
“Man in Uniform”
Of course, the guy was in a Klingon Warrior uniform. Irony.
WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I listen for your footsteps coming up the drive/Listen for your footsteps, but they don’t arrive
The Beatles
“Don’t Pass Me By”
Seriously fucking creepy now…
THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE:
Now don’t just walk away pretending everything is okay and you don’t care about me
Michelle Branch
“Are You Happy Now”
Now that’s just a little egocentric—even for me.
YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE:
Stay a while and work it out with me
Son Volt
“Mystifies Me”
That’s what friendship is all about, right?
HAPPY TIMES:
Blame it on the Teatons, yeah I need a scapegoat now
Modest Mouse
“Blame It On the Teatons”
The better line in this song that I think applies is: “All the eager actors gladly take the credit for the lines created by the people tucked away from sight.”
SAD TIMES:
Have I told you lately that I love you
Van Morrison
“Have I Told You”
Ahhh… yeah… next!
FOR TOMORROW:
Change your name, here’s your place, run away oooohhhhh
Slow Runner
“Break Your Mama’s Back”
Sorry, Mom.
FOR SEX:
I was born long ago/I am the chosen, I'm the one/I have come to save the day/And I won't leave until I'm done
Lenny Kravitz
“Are You Gonna Go My Way”
Just remember, it’s all about me—at least according to this song.
FOR YOU:
Well I met a girl today, she was sitting all alone, I went up to her and asked, ‘Would you like some company’
Spider Monkey
“Make You Smile”
…then my fiancée said, “hold your horses, there, Skippy! I will totally whip the Little Mermaid's ass if you don't back up off that chicken of the sea!!!”
WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME?
Jimi Hendrix
“The Star Spangled Banner” Woodstock, 1969
To quote Shana, who originally set off this whole blog entry by emailing me this challenge: “Apparently you'll either be really patriotic next year or you're going to protest your ass off.” Shouldn’t good Americans do both?
WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD?
My morning scene it’s for the life of a TV dream, its lazy heart leaves me careening
Jonah Smith
“My Morning Scene”
My TV dream: I’m the guy on Lost that Kate ditches Jack and Sawyer for. There’s a shower scene.
WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING?
For the benefit of Mr. Kite, there will be a show tonight on trampoline
The Beatles
“Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite”
I assure you, I will not dance to this song at my wedding…
WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER?
He said ‘I’m gonna buy this place and burn it down’
Coldplay
“A Rush of Blood To the Head”
He took my red stapler.
YOUR FAVORITE FEELING?
They say everything will be replaced, every distance is not near/I remember every face of every man who brung me here
Kevin Kenny (covering Bob Dylan)
“I Shall Be Released”
Insert your own funny comment here; I can’t think of one.
YOUR FAVORITE SAYING?
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone
Blind Faith
“Can’t Find My Way Home”
That’s just my favorite saying when I’m talking to Michael Jackson.
HOW WILL I DIE?
As I walk down the highway all I do is sing this song…
Led Zeppelin
“Out On the Tiles”
…and my iPod drowns out the semi truck, causing me to end more abruptly than the Sopranos.
THE SONG THAT YOU'LL PUT AS YOUR SUBJECT?
I was sitting, waiting, wishing you believed in superstitions, then maybe you’d see the signs
Jack Johnson
“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”
And now I’m gonna have a beer…
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