The Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking

Relocation

2007-11-08T17:10:00.001-05:00

The Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking is moving to WordPress. More flexibility over there and better looking blogs, I think. The new site also has another big announcement.

Click here and check out the new digs. Hint below.

Juxtaposition

2007-10-16T23:52:00.000-04:00

Last week was the worst week of my life, yet it contained the best day, a dichotomy that haunts most of my waking hours.

My 18-month old goddaughter Kathryn passed away in her sleep unexpectedly on Sunday, October 7, six days before I married the most beautiful woman I have ever seen. The death stunned our close-knit group of friends and numbed our souls to everything but the sheer unbelievability of our loss. Her father was my best man, but we invited Kathryn's mother to join us at the alter. Their resolve to stand together through the most incomprehensible of tragedies was a symbol of love and strength Jessica and I wanted to have front and center and near us as we exchanged vows in a ceremony that only went on at all with the blessings of the bereaved couple.

The few smiles and laughs Friday's rehearsal dinner and Saturday's wedding provided the parents were more important than symbolic rings or cakes or tossed bouquets. The remembrances of Kathryn, our flower girl even en absentia, made the ceremony complete. There were no Bridezillas or family meltdowns or jilted former lovers popping out of the woodwork during the "if anyone knows why this man and this woman should not be joined" phase of the festivities.

Perspective ruled the events.

Jessica and I lost the most wonderful part of our lives as a couple: our Saturday morning companion, our little housecleaning helper, the love of our lives. But we gained each other like never before and found happiness still waiting just outside our grief, ready to return for a little while and then glad to step back into the shadows until the time for happiness was upon us again.

I am happier right now than I have ever been in my life. I am sadder right now than I have ever been in my life.

More pictures soon.

We interrupt this blog for nuptials

2007-09-26T00:35:00.001-04:00

I was told once by a friend made through blogging never to write about my own relationship on my blog. This advice came one girlfriend and one blog entry too late. I rushed the disintegration of one relationship with a short treatise on shopping trips in the company of women. Otherwise, I may have never met Jessica and the following entry may not have been necessary. Thank goodness for sporadic idiocy, I guess.

I'm getting married. And just once (and briefly), I'm going to write about it.

"Alright, let me be the first to say congratulations to you then. You get one vagina for the rest of your life. Real smart, Frank."

—Beanie, from Old School

In just a little more than three weeks, I am going to stand up in front of a crowd of friends and relatives and publicly vow to love, cherish, adore, remain true to and usually obey this one extraordinary woman, through sickness and in health, for richer (yeah, right) or poorer (more like it). Till death do we part. A very nice man with a Christian background and a white goatee who looks about 203 years old and still rides a motorcycle (yep, he's in the club) will preside and read a short Baha'I prayer as a nod to my own amalgamated spiritual background. Then we'll exchange rings we probably will buy at Claire's the day before, but the symbology of the whole ritual will hardly suffer.

Then we will be joined legally and spiritually as man and wife. Beer drinking will ensue. There will be dancing and merriment and hopefully it won't start raining frogs just because one of South Georgia's career bachelors is retiring.

Jessica will change her last name, which will be weird to me, but exciting. No hyphens, either. The Garners of Bulloch County officially grow from four to five members.

That, then, will officially close the book on Chapter 14 of Memoirs of a Pretty Average Dude, "Our House (Is a very, very, very messy house)." After the breakneck pace of Chapters 9 ("Dude, I just threw up on your truck") and 10 ("Understanding the signs of a potentially fucked-up relationship, pts 9-13") and the introspection of Chapter 11 ("My cubicle smells funny"), the story of finding, falling for and eventually marrying Jessica was fairly average. Some drama. Some conflict. Nothing to dig up Stanley Kubrick and have him shoot a movie about. Mostly just love and snuggling and farts and laughter and Jessica learning enough about baseball to suggest lineup changes in the middle of the Southern Conference baseball tournament like Annie Savoy sending notes to the Bulls' dugout. Good times.

<--Actually, after Chapters 9-12 (and two St. Patrick's Days working for a beer company), the Dean has had quite enough of the bachelor's life, thank you.

I'm not sure what Chapter 15 will hold, although I'm excited about it. Jessica is in graduate school and working full time. I'm freelance writing regularly and beginning to get very serious about the play I'm writing (that blog, by the way, is soon to get a major facelift and content change). Work is also keeping me moving at a breakneck pace.

So for a few weeks, posts here are going to be fewer and farther between. The "Cult of I-AA" will be on hold for a little while, but will hopefully resurface as "The Cult," a standalone sports blog I hope to originate with the help of some other folks. It will be dedicated to FCS/I-AA football, mid-major basketball, the enduring love of hardcore fans who follow otherwise crappy teams and other under-the-radar aspects of sports culture. In the meantime, I'll still be writing player features for the GSU football game program, "GSU Endzone," and posting my regular "Thursday Thousand" feature about Georgia Southern football on SouthernFACTS.org. I'll reprint my player profiles here after publication. "The Cult" will hopefully come to life in late October, just in time for the playoff push in I-AA football.

Here at the Institute, we'll resume our long-overdue lesson on the Six Laws of Pop Culture, which have undergone some minor tweaks. Rest assured: all six laws will get covered.

For my six faithful readers and the ever present J.P. "Blossom's Brother" Lawrence, I'll try to offer up at least one short blog (possibly just a few links and a minimal narrative) a week. Please understand that although the Bride has been more than gracious in giving me time to write even when it wasn't going to earn us money, she deserves my more-or-less full attention these next few weeks.

I hope to see many of you at the wedding October 13 and will miss those of you who can't make it or whom I stupidly failed to invite. Jess and I aren't much in the way of planning and would have been up shit creek in a wire canoe if not for parents, friends and well-wishers pitching in to make sure that we didn't just off and elope (which would have been cheaper).

And in case I failed to mention it, I have never been happier than I am right this moment. (Single people are allowed to barf now.)

I'll be back soon.

The Cult of I-AA: The I-AA stock market

2007-09-18T22:30:00.001-04:00

The Fed dropped interest rates today in more places and by a wider margin than anyone expected, brining some financial excitement to the markets that has been MIA all summer. The trickle effect of economic news should be familiar theory to I-AA football fans, who immediately saw the profile of Championship Division schools shoot through the roof when Appalachian State knocked off Michigan to open the college football season.

But like a stock market, the value of that win doesn't set the market for I-AA respectability by itself. In fact, when Michigan lost the next week to Oregon by an even wider margin, some of the luster of the App State win started to fade. It won't take away from the power of the moment or the immense boost in exposure for Appalachian itself, but for I-AA as a whole, Michigan's record this season is a tangible barometer of how I-AA, represented in this case by its defending two-time champion, is looked at by the rest of "major" college football fans. Sort of like how all your college buddies will judge your dating record from "back in the day" by how those women look at homecoming.

"Seriously, dude," you protest, "she's had like four kids. She was hot. Don't act like you don't remember. This is bullshit."

Coming to the rescue have been a slew of other I-AA squads. Northern Iowa, Southern Illinois and New Hampshire have posted impressive wins over I-A stalwarts (including I-AA to I-A poster boy Marshall). McNeese State knocked off a I-A from the Wannabe Division, Louisiana-Lafayette. Even the Citadel, a perennial stepchild in the Southern Conference since the early 1990s, gave another Big 10 team, Wisconsin, a fright.

Don't expect Big 10 teams to come calling the SoCon again anytime soon. Like this century.

The chances for the I-A/I-AA comparison to play out on the field start to go away by the fourth full week of the season. North Dakota State has two I-A games left against Central Michigan (which falls somewhere between a Wannabe and a Field Filler) and Minnesota (a full-blown Field Filler). UMass has the Cult's last chance at a tremendous upset when they face Boston College, a school that almost qualifies for Icon Status. Georgia Southern finishes its season with Field Filler Colorado State and there are a few more I-A vs. I-AA matchups, but for the most part, it's time to get into Cult versus Cult play.

Overall, the lower division has acquitted itself better this year than in any since the Citadel knocked off Arkansas and South Carolina in the glory days. The App State win has I-AA stock at an all-time high, but counting on the Powers That Be to capitalize on that and the interdivisional moratorium for some truly innovative enhancements to the Cult is probably asking too much.

Oh well, a High Priest can dream.

Speaking of fluctuating values…

First of all, everyone who has even an inkling of knowledge about how I-AA works knows that polls mean bupkus to how the Cult champion is crowned. Conference champions earn automatic bids to the NCAA I-AA football playoffs and the rest are assigned by guys in suits, who invariably use computer rankings to explain how each year the big conferences slip in a third team when some smaller conference gets hosed because said smaller conference doesn't have their own suit in the room (or their suit doesn't have as many friends). It's like the basketball tournament, only with less coverage.

Still, we look at polls each week to measure our own team and the teams around us—particularly the ones our boys are going to be lining up against on Saturday. So in a utilitarian/marketing sort of way, the polls are good for business.

But polls are particularly ineffective until around October. In fact, this week's poll might be the most useless poll of the season. That's because most Cult teams have only played one game within their division through the first three weeks.

A preseason poll would be great for setting the season's expectations. Waiting until the first games of October were played to begin releasing weekly polls would be the next step in the right direction. By then, almost every team in the Cult would have five or six games on record – enough to not only distinguish a squad by won-loss record, but also by how many playmakers are emerging on the team.

Polls are sticky creatures because particularly early on, teams with high expectations get big breaks for beating marginal teams and little penalty for losing to I-A squads—even Wannabes! It's pretty easy to argue that Montana and UMass, ranked 2/3 most of the season, should be ranked 9/8 respectively. In fact, here's how I rank the top 10 based on granting greater mobility in the polls for on-the-field accomplishments or lack thereof. We'll compare the High Priest's Ranking (HPR) with the FCS media poll, coaches' poll and Sagarin ratings.

Full disclosure: I did these rankings prior to looking at the Sagarin numbers, but not before peeking at the current FCS and Coaches' polls.

Team	HPR	FCS	Coaches	Sagarin	Average (rank)
Appalachian State	1	1	1	1	1.0 (1)
Southern Illinois	2	7	6	4	4.75 (4)
Northern Iowa	3	4	5	2	3.5 (2)
McNeese State	4	6	8	8	6.5 (T-6)
James Madison	5	8	9	17	9.75 (9)
New Hampshire	6	10	10	15	10.25 (10)
North Dakota State	7	5	4	11	6.5 (T-6)
UMass	8	3	3	3	4.25 (3)
Montana	9	2	2	10	5.75 (5)
Youngstown State	10	9	7	6	8 (8)

Considering that there are some big name lurkers in the 11-15 positions of both polls and the Sagarin ratings and that those same lurkers will be colliding with some of the names on this top 10, you don't have to be Master Splinter to see that the October 8 poll could look vastly different than this one. If the October 8^th poll were the first since the preseason layout was announced, the following key "measuring stick" games would have been played before voters and coaches were allowed to again weigh in with their opinion of who the 25 best in the Cult were:

Appalachian State @ Wofford
New Hampshire @ Richmond, v. Delaware
JMU v. Coastal Carolina, v. Villanova
Southern Illinois @ Youngstown
UMass @ Boston College
McNeese v. Sam Houston State
N Dakota State @ Central Michigan, @ W. Illinois
Montana v. Eastern Washington

Worth noting

As the High Priest of I-AA, I am dubbing Southern Illinois the new name of "So Ill." It sounds like a Run DMC song and should be taken as a compliment. As in: "You remember when Brandon Jacobs played for the Salukis? He was so ill."

Richmond is ranked fifth among I-AAs in the Sagarins and isn't in either Top 25 poll. The only other team to rank above JMU (the low Sagarin in the HPR/FCS/Coaches polls) and not be included in either Top 25 is Georgia Southern, ranked 16^th.

Coming to theaters sometime near Halloween: Freddy vs. Jason vs. The UMassCot. Seriously, what the fuck? Does this thing really look like this? We need a "worst mascot costume" contest. Submit your photos here.

Notre Dame is 113 in the overall Sagarin ratings, good for 8^th in I-AA.

Two other teams in the Sagarin top 10 among I-AAs are Delaware (7) and Eastern Washington (9).

The Colonial is the highest rated I-AA conference, followed by the Gateway. Appalachian State may be the poster child for I-AA's rising stock, but the Southern Conferenec it calls home is ranked fourth according to Jeff Sagarin.

And computers compose the Sagarin ratings, so take them with a grain of salt. These are the same machines that make almost every phase of your life a little bit harder than it needs to be, even if you can't live without them.

Subtle changes

Pay attention and you'll notice that the Cult of I-AA is moving away from a regular Thursday/Friday feature of about 3,000 words like it was back in the i-aa.org days and is morphing into a 2-3 times a week feature of less words that should add up to about 3,000. That should jive with the High Priest's hectic schedule, which includes writing a play about Cult legend Erk Russell, other freelance writing, a full time job in the hectic (but rewarding) alcoholic beverage industry and planning for an Oct. 13 wedding.

I'll be back late in the week with a call for more Cult Hall of Fame nominations (coaches this time), my weekend picks and the I-AA Fantasy All-Stars, who badly need a running back.

The Cult of I-AA: Short and sweet

2007-09-14T00:57:00.001-04:00

This edition of the Cult of I-AA is going to be cut a bit short. You see, the Grand and Aged Father of the Cult (i.e., my dad) took a spill last Saturday night while importing celebratory beers from the outside fridge to the inside fridge of the Highway 119 Institute of Higher Thinking following Georgia Southern's season-opening victory over West Georgia.

In the process, he ruptured his spleen. There is "falling on your sword" and there is "falling on your beer." In a freak accident, the Grand and Aged Father fell on his beer, the latest in a lifelong string of mishaps to befall the Old One. Just today, he was finally discharged from the hospital and was last seen hobbling around the kitchen on his artificial leg with his abdomen still tightly bound, ostensibly to keep his guts from flying out. I am making not one word of this up.

So instead of cranking out 3,000 words, the High Priest is taking a different route this week. Today I'll feature a quick update of my ongoing I-AA picks and report on the progress of the I-AA All-Stars fantasy team against my fantasy team, Bad Newz Kennels. Check back Sunday or Monday for a quick recap of the weekend's action, more on the I-AA Hall of Fame, the weekly Cult Babe and a new feature I'll hopefully be unveiling that day as well.

And watch where you're going with that brewskie.

Picking up the pace

It's still just week three for most of I-AA, and the inescapable absurdity of early-season polls is apparent. This isn't because we've seen wild upsets or dominating performances (outside of App State) but because after just two games, no team in the nation really knows too much about what they've got in relation to everyone else. Again, except for App.

UMass has looked lethargic but strong. Youngstown beat a South Dakota State team last week that might be pretty good. James Madison has the biggest claim on a legitimate top three spot this side of Boone after beating New Hampshire—but who really knows!?! Most I-AA squads have played every sort of team except another I-AA team.

In a perfect world, there would be a preseason poll to set expectations and not another poll again until the third weekend in October. In fact, the High Priest is going to unveil his own Cult of I-AA "Field of 16" poll beginning after the October 20 games. Since I'm getting married the week before that, would someone please email me and remind the old High Priest that he promises a "Field of 16" poll on, oh, October 21^st? Thanks.

As for the High Priest, the Crystal Ball came back from maintenance last week in pretty good shape. I was 7-2 in last week's picks, missing on upset bids by Hofstra and Northern Iowa. I did forsee James Madison's coup and Portland State's rebound game, though.

On the season, the High Priest has improved to 12-6, but the games are still relatively easy.

Here are this week's picks. Let's start with the I-A vs. I-AA matchups, where I see one potential "upset" in the offing: McNeese State has a good chance of toppling Louisiana-Lafayette. In terms of beating a I-A team, it's like outrunning a kid in a wheelchair, but a win is a win. Don't expect such upsets in the other games, including New Hampshire-Marshall. The Thundering Herd may be 0-2 with a loss to a pretty pitiful Miami team, but they will still handle the Wildcats.

Here are the picks. Some nicknames have been submitted in place of actual school names, but only for the teams I think are going to lose:

HARVARD over Sports Guy University
APPALACHAIN over Northern Arizona
MARSHALL over Ricky Santos U
NC STATE over Wofford
GEORGIA SOUTHERN over Fancy Name For A Yard Bird U
ILLINOIS STATE over Eastern Illinois
NORTH DAKOTA STATE over Sam Houston State
McNEESE STATE over The Sunbelt Conference's Answer to Chattanooga
CAL POLY over The Grill

Oh, but for Tony Romo

The I-AA All Stars rode week one's top fantasy player in any reasonable scoring system, Tony Romo, and trounced my Bad Newz Kennels team 118-92. That makes two losses for the Pit Bulls, who dropped their actual for-money fantasy game 94-92 on a late field goal in the Arizona game.

Romo, throwing in large part to fellow Cult graduate Terrell Owens, racked up 52 points in the Greater Savannah Fantasy Football League scoring system. I don't care what league you're playing in: that's impressive.

Worth noting: Payton Award winners Romo and Brian Westbrook combined for 64 points, while Heisman darlings Carson Palmer and Reggie Bush totaled up 22.

Here is the final scoring:

QB Tony Romo (Eastern Illinois/Dallas): 52 pts
15/24, 345 yds, 4 TD, 1 INT, 11 rush yds, 1 rush TD
Bad Newz Kennels: Carson Palmer, 19 pts

RB Brian Westbrook (Villanova/Philadelphia): 12 pts
85 yds rush, 65 yds rec
BNK: Reggie Bush, 3 pts

RB Brandon Jacobs (Southern Illinois/New York): 4 pts
26 yds rush
BNK: DeAngelo Williams, 5 pts

WR Terrell Owens (Chattanooga/Dallas): 20 pts
87 yds, 2 TD
BNK: Reggie Wayne, 31 pts

WR Donald Driver (Alcorn State/Green Bay): 6 pts
66 yds
BNK: Roy Williams, 8 pts

TE Eric Johnson (Yale/New Orleans): 5 pts
57 yds rec
BNK: Jeremy Shockey, 4

K Jeff Wilkins (Youngstown State/St. Louis): 8 pts
2/2 FG, 1/1 PAT
BNK: Jason Elam, 11 pts

DEF Jacksonville (DC Mike Smith, East Tennessee St): 10 pts
BNK: Carolina Panthers, 11 pts

The starting lineup for BNK will be the same this week, while the I-AA squad may have to insert a backup to cover for injured RB Brandon Jacobs. It's a game time decision.

Cult Babes

In his other life, the High Priest works as the promotions and marketing guy for a beer company, which comes with the perk of being able to choose and escort the incredibly hot young ladies that work to promote the various beers and spirits my company is pushing.

Four of these five hotties are straight from Georgia Southern, I-AA National Champions in hot coeds since anyone bothered to take note. Think you can do better? Prove it. Email your best to the High Priest, and we'll let the Cult decide.

Of course, that picture is just the tip of the iceberg.

Remembering 9/11 with Ryan Adams

2007-09-11T21:01:00.000-04:00

Watch the first 10 seconds of this video.

You'll then watch the rest.

"New York, New York" was the first track on Adams' second solo album, Gold. The cover, produced weeks before the 9/11 attacks and the Sept. 18th release of the album, featured a picture of Adams in front of an upside-down American flag. A flag flown in such a manner is a symbol of distress.

The fifth song on Gold: "The Rescue Blues."

The Cult of I-AA: Honoring the legends

2007-09-06T22:35:00.001-04:00

The rest of the football world is finally picking up what most of us in the Cult have known for quite some time: there's some good football down in the subdivision.

From the "Strike While the Iron is Hot" department of the Institute of Higher Thinking comes the message that now is as good a time as any to elaborate on the "Cult Hall of Fame" talked about in this space last week.

The idea is very simple. Take nominations from I-AA fans across the nation for the first class of I-AA Hall of Fame inductees. Disseminate those nominations to a panel composed of bloggers, national and regional media and even let the fans have a vote. The inaugural class of I-AA Hall of Famers will then be released to that same group of fans, bloggers and media. Hell, we'll even send the results in to some "mainstream" media outlets and see if they run with it.

To make the initial class of inductees work, a few concerns had to be addressed:

(1) There should be some degree of exclusivity to the Cult HOF. The initial slots should be limited and coveted. If this is a success, I can assure you that each year we'll circulate another ballot and induct new members into the hall.

(2) The I-AA HOF should recognize accomplishments that happened in the I-AA era (with a couple of notable exceptions I'll mention later) and were achieved by I-AA teams. That means limiting the historic scope of the Cult HOF to 1978 and beyond and basing inclusion into the hall on the records and accomplishments of players, programs and coaches while they were part of I-AA. Jim Tressell, for example, would be considered as a coaching inductee because he won four national titles at Youngstown State. Certainly his resume at Ohio State would bolster his argument for being included into the hall, but the primary gateway into the Cult Hall of Fame is based on what happened while you were in I-AA. So Steve McNair should have a leg up on Kurt Warner, because he was a bigger story and had more success while he was playing for Alcorn State than Warner did while at Northern Iowa.

(3) The Hall should honor a wide spectrum of the Cult of I-AA.

To enhance the exclusivity of the initial class of Cult Hall-of-Famers, I've assigned a limited number of inaugural slots to each category in the Cult Hall of Fame. Leave a comment or email me if you have a beef with any of limits.

Programs (5), Coaches (5), Quarterbacks (5), Running Backs (5), Wide Receivers (5), Linemen and Tight Ends (4), Defensive Linemen (5), Linebackers (5), Defensive Backs (5), Kickers (3), Administrators/Innovators/Media (5).

There will also be two players inducted as icons: Walter Payton and Jerry Rice. Although Payton technically didn't play I-AA football, he played for a I-AA institution and is such an iconic part of the subdivision that the top honor any player can receive is the Walter Payton Award. Both he and Rice are considered the hallmark all-time players at their positions, and since both represent the schools of I-AA, they should be immediately and without vote inducted into the I-AA Hall of Fame.

Moreover, the Hall itself should be named for them. Check out the poll on the sidebar and tell us how you feel about calling this whole project the "Payton-Rice I-AA Hall of Fame."

This week, we will be taking nominations for Hall of Fame Programs.

The criteria: All nominated programs must have been a member of Division I-AA for at least 10 seasons. Teams currently residing in the Championship Subdivision will receive greater consideration than an equal program currently outside of the division.

Weighing Factors: Strong consideration will be given to any program that can exhibit:
(a) Championship pedigree
(b) Playoff pedigree
(c) Sustained fan support
(d) Name recognition
(e) Coaching legacy
(f) Former players in the professional ranks/coaching ranks
(g) A historic impact on I-AA football

Automatic nominations go out to: Georgia Southern, Youngstown State, Appalachian State, Montana, Marshall, Grambling, Princeton, Harvard and Yale

Want to make a case for another team? Go back to the nomination link above and email it. I'll post the most compelling arguments next week.

"Remember Montana State"

Jerry Moore is reminding his troops at App State to forget about ESPN and Sports Illustrated and the Boone coeds throwing unmentionables onto the practice fields. In fact, with a little help, he can take the Michigan-Appalachian State game film and Photoshop his team onto the Michigan players and Lenoir-Rhyne onto the Appalachian State players to show just how quickly a reversal of fortunes can take place when a bigger opponent doesn't take its "tune up" seriously.

Or Moore could just whip out last year's Montana State highlight reel. I think enough message boards have covered this that I don't need to beat it to death: MSU beats Colorado, loses to DII team the next week, yadda yadda.

What is interesting is thinking about the ramifications if Michigan has a bowl-eligible or better season after the stunner against App State. It is safe to say that the whole subdivision could reap the rewards. I-AA could reap even greater rewards if the SI cover jinx comes to roost and Appalachian actually loses a game.

Huh?

Look at it this way. Let's just start with the assumption that Michigan goes 9-4 with a win in the GoDaddy.com Bowl over, say, an overachieving Vanderbilt or an underachieving Cal. The point is, in this hypothetical, you have to speculate that the best case scenario for the image of I-AA is for Michigan to perform well the rest of the season.

Now, still thinking of the greatest positive impact for all of I-AA, fans have got to hope that the Mountaineers have another championship-quality season. But if App runs the table and becomes just the third perfect 15-0 team in I-AA history, the rest of I-AA can be marginalized.

"That Appalachian State team was just a freak of nature," they would say. And if you watched the national coverage of Appalachian's upset, you know who "they" are. "They weren't representative of the whole division.

But if App lost in the late stages of the playoffs or to a traditional power (Georgia Southern and Furman are the two on the schedule) in the regular season and/or in the playoffs, the rhetoric bouncing around after week one—namely that the top of I-AA is as powerful as the middle and lower tiers of I-A.

Two things I-AA fans don't want: Michigan as a team to be marginalized or App to fall on its face.

Calling all Cult Babes

Since just a few weeks into my original Cult of I-AA column over one what is now College Sporting News, I've been providing links to some of the hot babes on the Net. The ones with their clothes on.

Occasionally, I've even tried to pair up hotties with I-AA school credentials like last week's representative, Mira Sorvino. Or this week's cutie, Carol Alt, who attended Hofstra but dropped out. So what.

This year, I'd like to move to something more home grown. I'm encouraging you to send Cult Babes from your school. The rules are very simple:

Email your submissions by clicking here.

No nudity. I'm not saying you shouldn't send it, but I won't post it.

Cult gear is a must. If you're sending a Montana Cult Babe, then she needs to be holding a Montana flag, wearing a Montana half-shirt, standing amid a stellar Montana tailgate—your team must be represented as well as the quality of your coeds. This is about school spirit, folks.

And proving which I-AA school has the hottest football fans.

I'll post the best pics each week, starting with some Georgia Southern Cult Babes from this weekend's GSU-West Georgia opener.

I'd have better luck picking my nose

I was 5-4 in my I-AA picks last week on what should have been a gimmee week, I could have thrown darts at the games and fared better. I'll admit that I thought Portland State would ride the excitement of Jerry Glanville much as the Falcons did in his first year in Atlanta (a 4-0 preseason, a win in week one and then, well, not so good).

This week, I hope to do better. The theories at work here are to give credit to teams with a game under their belt, show love to home openers and just guess better.

JAMES MADISON over New Hampshire
YOUNGSTOWN STATE over South Dakota State
IOWA over Northern Iowa
FURMAN over Hofstra
PORTLAND STATE over UC Davis
NORTH DAKOTA STATE over Stephen F. Austin
NICHOLLS STATE over So. Arkansas
UMASS over Colgate
GEORGIA SOUTHERN over West Georgia

And finally…

This link is not only priceless, it should be reworked into an amendment to the U.S. Constitution.

And see, I'm not the only one who thinks FCS is just stupid.

Until next week, don't share the secret handshake.

The Cult of I-AA Special Edition: Hail to the Victors

2007-09-03T11:32:00.001-04:00

It's A-Day plus two here at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking, and only has the High Priest just now finally removed himself from the Great and Excellent celebrations following the most momentous win by a I-AA program in the history of the subdivision, Appalachian State's 34-32 shocker over Big Ten powerhouse Michigan. I'll just assume you heard about it.

Who would have guessed that Bruce Banner was an App State grad? -->

A lot of things went into the Mountaineers' win over Michigan—and I'm not talking about just the X's and O's and all the things that have been hashed out by the talking heads on ESPN, either.

(While we're on the subject of ESPN talking heads, by the way, Kirk Herbstreit and Mark May have a lot of good points about big schools playing cupcakes, but their insistence on belittling App State before and during the upset is understandable ignorance. Their continued assertion that Appalachian had no business at all winning the game is willful ignorance, for reasons I'll point out in a few paragraphs. Bear with me.)

I spent many hours in the Shrine of I-AA communing with the Football Gods, chanting and fasting. Here are the real reasons App State won the game, as were passed down to me by the Football Gods themselves on stone tablets.

Champions play like champions

Whenever the debate begins about I-A and I-AA, the High Priest has always stood behind the statement that a Cult champion is usually as good or better than any team from the lower half of I-A. I have long maintained that the I-AA champ could not only compete in, but they could win most of the first week of shitty, uninteresting I-A bowls.

I have been disputed on this point, but the Football Gods have sent you a sign. A star has risen over Ann Arbor, Michigan. Follow it, and you will find the place where it was shown that a two-time Cult Champion with enough returning players can beat even a team with millions of dollars and 100,000 fans.

So is it too unreasonable to think that a Cult champion could manhandle a 6-5 team from Conference USA in the Chico's Bail Bonds Bowl?

This goes back to a point I made in my first column back as the High Priest: if the I-AA championship game were played in late December—after the Irrelevant Bowl and Acme Giant Slingshot Bowl but before the equally-useless-but-higher-quality bowls between the third-place teams from legitimate Icon conferences—then I-AA football in general would grow in stature.

It is like the theory of prestige used in the print industry: a magazine is more prestigious than a newspaper, a book is more prestigious than a magazine. Never mind that the book may be Ann Coulter's latest vapid pack of idiocy and the newspaper may be the Washington Post. Most morons will actually believe the book has more credibility just because it is a book.

The same theory applies to the timing of the I-AA championship. Move it out of the ungodly awful Friday night slot before the I-A bowl season and into a late-December, prime time position and coupled with App State's sudden infusion of credibility into the veins of Cult football, the football world would watch.

PS: For those who say the fans wouldn't travel that close to Christmas, blah, blah, blah—bullshit. Elevate the prestige of the time slot and of the game and passes to the game would be like Golden Tickets. You'd have Appalachian State, UMass, Georgia Southern, Youngstown State and Montana fans unwrapping chocolate bars for a chance to see their team play on ESPN on December 29 with all the world watching.

And in just a few short years, the overall attitude toward at least the top programs in I-AA would see a seismic shift. Michigan's upset would still be an upset of monumental proportions, but you might actually hear this:

Lee Corso: "Michigan played the entire game flat, you guys. And as we all know, if you play a game flat against a championship team from the Playoff Division, you run the very good chance of being beaten.

The Football Gods hate "FCS" almost as much as the High Priest does

If the NCAA ever needed instant feedback on just how everyone felt about the recent change in nomenclature from I-AA to FCS (Football Championship Subdivision), then they got it in week one. Not only did almost every graphic on the ESPN/Fox/NBC/CBS/Aurora Cable Access screens say I-AA, many of them didn't even bother to say "FCS/I-AA" or "FCS (formerly I-AA)." On top of that, announcers stumble over the new moniker. Some called it stupid. Most openly ridiculed it. One writer referred to it as "the new NCAA-ese for I-AA."

Better men than those responsible for this debacle of nomenclature shift have reversed course. It's not too late for the NCAA to do the same. Or, if you really want to enhance I-AA with a name change, use the eloquent words of Brent Musburger, ABC's top-notch, veteran play-by-play man. He simply called I-AA the "Playoff Division."

Division I Playoff Division. Sometimes the answer is simple and obvious. Thanks, Brent.

Karmic realignment

Just days before the Home Invasion in the Big House, Lauren Caitlin (the girl with two trendy first names; what, Brittany Lindsay wasn't available?) metaphorically kicked Appalachian State University in the groin. Caitlin, Miss Teen South Carolina, is the latest overnight YouTube sensation thanks to her stereotype-reaffirming answer to the question: why can't one in five average American's find the U.S. on a map?

Given a chance to answer again on the "Today Show," Caitlin fared better, but that isn't saying much. She did, however, announce her college plans.

That's right. Appalachian State.

It didn't take long for App's rivals to begin a long series of jokes at App's expense.

Q. How many Mountaineers does it take to screw in a light bulb? A. Well, personally I think most Mountaineer Appalachians have, uh, Osama and South Africa to get more electricity, um, ahh, transistor radios with surround sound and uhhh, crap… GO MOUNTAINEERS!!! WHOOOOOO!

If you are a fan, student, professor, administrator or just a janitor at App State, this wasn't good.

Karma, though, is a funny thing. Between Lauren-Lindsay-Brittany-Caitlin, the national media dismissing Appalachian, Michigan overlooking the Mountaineer's pedigree and skill and team speed, the NCAA hosing I-AA football so badly over the last 15 years that no one realizes just how good a Cult champion really is and the sheer karmic folly of renaming I-AA the "FCS," the football gods were left with no choice.

Michigan was going down.

And the Football Gods smiled at Mike Hart

Mike Hart, the Heisman candidate and super-stud running back for Michigan, would not call the loss to Appalachian State "embarrassing."

"I wouldn't call it embarrassing because that takes away from [Appalachian State]," Hart said in an Associate Press story.

Had Hart not spent two quarters nursing a thigh injury, the Mountaineers might just be a cautionary "almost" tale for other Icon schools with Cult teams on the schedule. But the Michigan standout wasn't handing out excuses. Hart understands the quality of the football team his Wolverines lost to, a point lost on many pundits. He later said that the loss was tremendously disappointing, but not an embarrassment. The High Priest humbly inducts Mike Hart, an Icon school standout, into the Cult of I-AA as an honorary member.

Your sportsmanship and acknowledgement of your opponent's quality has been noted by the Football Gods and, I hope, by all Cult fans everywhere.

Oh yeah…

Nichols State also beat Rice. A top Cult program beats an Icon school and a good-not-great Cult squad hands a defeat to a I-A school that falls almost directly in the middle between the Icons and the Wannabes. I think we'll call those schools "Field Fillers."

If you're keeping track at home, here's how the World at Large sees Division I football:

Icons (USC, Ohio State, Florida, Nebraska, etc.)
Field Fillers (Vanderbilt, NC State, Rice, Baylor, Stanford)
Wannabes (Troy, Middle Tennessee, Louisiana-Monroe, Florida International)
The Cult

But here's the pecking order if you go by overall quality of play: Icons-Field Fillers-Top Cult Schools-Wannabes-The Rest of the Cult

An addendum

As a lifelong fan of Georgia Southern football, it hasn't been easy for me to put my finger on my feelings about the win. After all, App State is our most hated rival, the antithesis of Georgia Southern football and—honestly—the school in the Southern Conference that looks the most like Georgia Southern in terms of size, funding, programs and student body makeup.

It is as a journalist and the High Priest of I-AA that I can really experience the joys of the Great Upset. I met Appalachian head coach Jerry Moore in 1999 when I took over covering Georgia Southern for the Statesboro Herald. I played golf with him at the 2000 Southern Conference rouser and had the pleasure of chatting with him on many other occasions. He has always come across as a modest but self-assured football man, even when App State was the Phil Mickelson of I-AA before their back-to-back Cult titles in 2005 and again last year.

It is hard for a Blue-Bleeder to accept that Georgia Southern has come so close to iconic upsets (88 at Florida State, 91 at Auburn) only to see arch-rival Appalachian actually pull it off. But it would be impossible not to tip your hat toward the Boys from Boone.

All that is left is to hope that the Eagles kick their ass on October 20^th in Boone and then do the same to Georgia in next season's opener.

The Cult of I-AA: Fantasyland

2007-08-31T23:50:00.001-04:00

The theme this week, my little gridiron sycophants, is fantasies. Not the fantasies you had about your seventh grade math teacher, either (although, man, that woman was hot—and I was 12 and just really didn't understand everything that was going on, but I liked it).

No, this is like the fantasy that Appalachian State has of somehow being the first Cult team to really, really, really shock the world and knock off a I-A Goliath. Of course, it won't happen. But just keeping the game respectable against such a powerhouse can be an amazing momentum-maker for a Cult school. In 2005, Appalachian kept things respectable against LSU on the way to the first on a currently ongoing string of I-AA championships.

Georgia Southern parlayed a 48-28 loss to Georgia where they scored more points against the Bulldogs than any opponent in 2004 (and forced Georgia head coach Mark Richt to re-insert his first team offense as the game got tight later than was comfortable) into a great season. That same year, Southern Illinois lost to Northern Illinois in overtime. Those two schools were ranked 1-2 much of the season. Ironically, both lost in the first round of the playoffs.

Speaking of New Hampshire (they ousted GSU in 2004), the Wildcats popped Northwestern in the mouth for one of the two biggest I-A upsets last year. The other was posted by Montana State, who humiliated Colorado. In all, more and more I-AA teams seemed to have close games and surprising wins against their big brothers last year than in any I can remember.

But none of them knocked off a team you'd think of as an iconic example of Big Time Football.

Florida State trailed Georgia Southern in 1989 in the fourth quarter only to pull away for a win that was more convincing on paper than on the field. The Citadel beat Arkansas, but the Razorbacks are not really iconic, although they play in college football's most amazing conference and traditionally field powerful squads. When they lost to the Bulldogs, they were still in with Oklahoma State, Baylor and that lot in the old Southwest Conference.

Still, here are the biggest games between the Icons and the Cult this weekend.

Appalachian at Michigan: The last time a two-time I-AA champ played a top 10 school, Georgia beat Georgia Southern 29-7. That's respectable. If App does that well in the Big House, they'll stay perched on top of the I-AA polls.

Youngstown State at Ohio State: This isn't the type of game it might have been in 1994, when Youngstown was racking up I-AA championships at an alarming rate. One reason might be that the guy patrolling the sidelines for the Penguins in 1994 (and 1991, 1993 and 1997) is now coaching the Buckeyes.

Western Carolina at Alabama: The Catamounts aren't even a good Southern Conference team. Alabama faced more of a challenge in their Spring Game. This is going to be worse than the first Persian onslaught against the Hot Gates in 300.

At this writing (which is a day late—sorry) Louisville (which is a great team but not an Icon) has already hammered the living shit out of Murray State. Seriously, a dazed Mr. Hanky was last seen heading toward Frankfurt wearing a Murray State t-shirt. I'm simply using this as an example of just what the other I-AA teams are up against when they go to The Big House, The Horseshoe and the Screaming Red Pit of Death and Destruction. And, oh yeah, Nick Saban will run up the score.

That's no fantasy.

"With the fifth selection, the Little Lebowski Urban Achievers select Brian Westbrook"

Fantasy football used to be as much of a cult as the Division I subdivision in the sporting world. Fantasy football players were actually fantasy baseball geeks who got bored with (a) the offseason and (b) rotisserie scoring. The sport that was once the exclusive domain of box-score junkies and computer geeks with complicated spreadsheet formulas entered into Lotus 1-2-3 was revolutionized by the Internet. In fact, short of pornography and telephone chat lines, it is hard to think of many undertakings that have undergone a more gamma-irradiated transformation than fantasy football because of the Internet.

(And you were wondering how the Hulk tied in to this whole thing, weren't you?)

The High Priest completed his own fantasy draft Sunday night, picking 12^th in a 12-team league. Despite the poor position, my Bad Newz Kennels squad is loaded up with solid players. I'm fairly happy with my starting quarterback, half of my running back duo and both my wide outs. As for the tight end, defense and kicker, they are all serviceable (and interchangeable, let's be honest).

With a hundred dollar entry fee, the Greater Savannah Fantasy Football League (GSFFL) was no place to start getting cute with draft picks. But what if you were to put together a team comprised exclusively of players from the Cult?

Here are the rules: players must have played at least two years at a I-AA/FCS school and the school had to be a I-AA/FCS school while the player was there. The starting roster is one quarterback, two running backs, three wide receivers, one tight end, one kicker and a defense.

Here is the High Priest's all-Cult fantasy team:

QB—Tony Romo, Eastern Illinois (Dallas)
The 2002 Walter Payton Award winner is now America's Quarterback in Dallas. Romo had almost 3,000 yards and 19 touchdowns as he ascended the NFL consciousness. He's off the field goal unit, though.

RB—Brian Westbrook, Villanova (Philadelphia)
Another Payton award winner (2001), Westbrook is one of the most versatile backs in the league. Last season he had 11 total touchdowns and 1,916 total yards as a rusher and receiver, ranking him ahead of Heisman winner Reggie Bush in most fantasy guides.

RB—Brandon Jacobs, Southern Illinois (New York Giants)
Does anyone get the feeling that the NFC East scouts the Cult a little better than everyone else? Jacobs is the heir to Tiki Barber's throne after averaging a healthy 4.4 yards per carry last season. Now he just has to start calling out his coach and quarterback and it will be like Tiki never left.

WR—Terrell Owens, Chattanooga (Dallas)
He may not exactly be the starting X receiver for the All Fan Favorite team, but TO is still the best thing the Cult has going at this position. Even after losing a step, Owens still hauled in 13 touchdowns last year, and he's part of a Cult tandem with Tony Romo in Big D.

WR—Donald Driver, Alcorn State (Green Bay)
In college, Driver caught passes from Steve McNair at Alcorn State. In the pros, he's been paired up with Brett Favre and has made the most out of that opportunity. Even in a bad year for the Packers, Driver still caught eight touchdowns and accounted for just less than 1,300 yards.

WR—Marques Colston, Hofstra (New Orleans)
The surprise of the year last season, Colston outshone fellow rookie and Heisman winner Reggie Bush through much of the season. The pride of the Pride had four 100-yard games and hauled in eight touchdowns to bring some much-needed music to New Orleans.

TE—Eric Johnson, Yale (New Orleans)
The Saints become the second team with two Cult members on the starting offense. Johnson has been injury-plagued through his career, but when healthy in 2004 had almost 1,000 yards receiving.

K—Jeff Wilkins, Youngstown State (St. Louis Rams)
Amazingly, the only player on this fantasy roster with even a single I-AA championship ring is Wilkins, one of the top-rated kickers in all of the NFL. Wilkins was a perfect 3-for-3 from 50 yards and beyond last season and converted 32-of-37 field goal attempts overall.

Defense—Jacksonville Jaguars (Defensive coordinator: Mike Smith, East Tennessee State)

A solid defense coached by a former Cult player who also spent time on the coaching staff at Tennessee Tech. Honestly, the High Priest is taking input ion this one. Write in to him by emailing here.

And now for the reserves:

QB: Tavaris Jackson, Alabama State (Minnesota), a young guy still, Jackson has seemingly unlimited potential and follows in the proud footsteps of HBCU-turned-NFL star Steve McNair. Josh McCown, Sam Houston State (Oakland), With JaMarcus Russell holding out, McCown has finally started shine. Of course, in Oakland, crap shines when the light hits it just right. If you're drafting for pure production, Steve McNair (Alcorn State) and Kurt Warner (Northern Iowa) are winding down their careers. McNair is rated above McCown in most guides, but Warner is going to be behind Matt Leinart in Arizona until further notice.

RB: Adrian Peterson. Georgia Southern (Chicago). We still don't know what the real AP could do as an NFL starter, but since Cedric Benson is about as durable as frozen spaghetti, this might be our year to find out. Maurice Hicks, North Carolina A&T (San Francisco) If he can stay uninjured, Hicks might see more action and has plenty of potential. Marcell Shipp, UMass (Arizona) You know, if Edgerrin James goes out with an injury, Shipp could be a real asset to fantasy owners. And if frogs had wings, they wouldn't bump their asses when they jumped. Too bad, because Shipp has been capable in the past.

WR: Two sounds—Brian Finneran's screams of pain as his knee implodes (again) and the sounds of crickets chirping. What, Mike Furrey, Northern Iowa (Detroit)? Okay, we'll take it! Furrey did have over 1,000 yards last year and six touchdowns. Of course, the Lions went out and drafted Calvin Johnson, so that is going to eat into those numbers a good bit.

TE: [Insert more sound of crickets chirping]

K: Rob Bironas, Georgia Southern (Tennessee) beat the Colts with a 60-yard game winner. Not so hot on the routine kicks, though.

DEF: No, really. Somebody just mail in some suggestions. This has already taken up waaaay more of my time than I'm willing to dedicate without getting paid.

What I will be doing is putting my fantasy team up against the Cult of I-AA All Stars each week using the GSFFL scoring system. I'll substitute I-AA guys when bye weeks arise. Email players from I-AA I might have missed at any position.

Up each week against the Cult All Stars will be Bad Newz Kennels:

QB: Carson Palmer, Cincinnati
RB1: Reggie Bush, New Orleans
RB2: DeAngelo Williams, Carolina
WR1: Reggie Wayne, Indianapolis
WR2: Roy Williams, Detroit
TE: Jeremy Shockey, New York Giants
DEF: Carolina Panthers
K: Jason Elam, Denver

Don't bitch at me… Westbrook and Owens were both taken when I had them as my next picks.

As for the reserves:

Calvin Johnson, WR, Detroit
J.P. Losman, QB, Buffalo
Greg Jennings, WR, Green Bay
T.J. Duckett, RB, Detroit
Drew Bennett, WR, St. Louis
Ben Troupe, TE, Tennessee

I know, three players from the Detroit Lions. But Roy Williams is a solid WR no matter who is tossing the pigskin, Calvin Johnson is one of the only rookie picks worth considering and T.J. Duckett has the potential to be a touchdown hawk as a short-yardage power runner. Think Mike Alstott, only with a lot fewer actual skills.

No matter—Bad Newz Kennels features a lot of guys with Heisman hardware and big school credibility against the Cult All-Stars. I think the Cult team will acquit itself nicely. I'll keep you posted each week.

Fantasy of a different sort

That's right, it's time again for the weekly Cult Babe. Remember, your suggestions are welcome for new Cult Babes, particularly ones with a tie in to Cult schools. In that vein, I decided to trot out an "oldie but goodie," past Cult Babe Mira Sorvino. An honor grad at Harvard, perhaps Miss Sorvino could take up the Cult's cause and get the Ivy League to put its champion into the I-AA playoffs and see what happens. Every time I slammed the Ivy in 2004, a horde of defenders seemed to fly out of the woodwork, but I maintain with a healthy fervor that until the SWAC and Ivy take part in the playoffs and show what they have, we relegate them to Division I-AA ½. That'll teach 'em.

Get ready for tearful acceptance speeches

When I wrote this column in 2004, I ran an ongoing reader-supported feature to choose the greatest single I-AA team of all time. Marshall's 1996 team topped the list easily despite some protestations that the Thundering Herd's transition to I-A was already in such full swing that they essentially were already I-A Lite. However, since transition rules (or Marshall Rules) were only put in place after 1996, the Thundering Herd's choice as I-AA's top squad stood.

Now I want to create a Cult of I-AA Hall of Fame.

That's right, the NFL has Canton, the College Football Hall of Fame has South Bend and the Cult of I-AA has Lanier Drive. There's no better place, actually—if the home of Notre Dame can host the college football hall, then an apartment across the street from Paulson Stadium, where Georgia Southern's Division Leading six national championship flags fly, should be just fine for our hall.

So I am officially taking nominations from any interested party for the inaugural class of Cult Hall of Fame inductees in the following categories:

Programs: Schools that have HOF credentials as an institution for accomplishments made at the I-AA level since its inception in 1978.

Coaches: Based on their impact while at the I-AA level, with consideration of other career achievements being factored in as well.

Players: We'll look for players at every position, including offensive line and kicker.

Innovators/Administrators/Media: Folks who influenced the game away from the playing field.

Here's my email link again. I'll take ballots for quite some time while I try to assemble a crack staff of voters for the inaugural class of Cult Hall of Famers.

Quick picks

Because it's late Friday night and I'm waiting for the Mega-Millions numbers to come up, we'll make this short and sweet. I've done minimal research on these games, so these picks are mostly out of the blue. But they'll still count toward my season total, which I'll track in each week's column.

MICHIGAN over Appalachian State
OHIO STATE over Youngstown State
NOTHWESTERN over Northeastern (the Compass Bowl)
FLORIDA A&M over Southern
THE CITADEL over Charleston Southern
CAL POLY over Texas State
KENTUCKY over Eastern Kentucky
MARYLAND over Villanova
PORTLAND STATE over McNeese State

That's keeping it simple for this week. I mean really simple. Next week, I'll put together a more comprehensive series of picks.

Until then, don't share the secret handshake.

What, is EVERYBODY thinking about sex?

2007-08-29T19:19:00.001-04:00

Recent blog posts I found utterly hilarious. They happen to both be about sex.

From author Larry Doyle's site, a tale of high school fornication.

Of course, you can just wait until you're married, as Katrina so eloquently informed her curious 8-year-old daughter. Non-fornication can be funny, too.

I swear to God, Opie, you'd better keep the comments at least PG-13 or I'll lock out anyone from the state of Maryland from leaving a comment.

Class postponed (and other news)

2007-08-29T01:03:00.001-04:00

The syllabus here at Lanier Drive has been adjusted to accommodate the Dean's rapidly expanding schedule which now includes: being the temporary permanent replacement at United Distributors for a departed salesman, trying hectically to get a wedding to come together, bills & housework, loving support to the Institute's head librarian as she immerses herself in graduate school, house hunting, freelance writing, playwriting and managing a fantasy football team.

Here's the plan. Note that it is a PLAN.

Thursday: my usual piece on Georgia Southern football will appear over on SouthernFACTS.org. If you like GSU football, give it a look-see. This week's topic: why the two-party system doesn't work, even for football fans.

Friday: "The Cult of I-AA." More sports. I'll be going over the fantasy football impact of players from I-AA schools, dissecting the interesting matchups in week one of the college football season (as they apply to I-AA, of course), introducing the "Cult Hall of Fame," putting up pictures of more Cult Babes and giving my thoughts on other college football matters. There's always a little pop culture thrown in there, too, so even if you're indifferent toward I-AA football, comb through and see if there's something else you like.

Sunday: The long awaited second lesson in the POP101 Class: The Six Laws of Pop Culture. In this lesson, it will become clear how the Six Laws came to life thanks to celebrity meltdowns.

Monday: A new post for the Erk blog—some people still don't know the story of Erk Russell, and whether you are a diehard GSU football fan or just one of my occasional readers in Idaho (and other parts unknown), this story has real magic. Check it out.

I'm looking for the next "Meet the Faculty" interviewee, so any suggestions would be welcome. I just need someone with the ability to write coherently and something to say about pop culture and/or the world at large.

Meet the Faculty: Old school, you dig?

2007-08-26T23:00:00.000-04:00

We now finish the August edition of "Meet the Faculty," picking up where we left off in part two, with favorite movies dominating the conversation between the Dean and long-lost high school friend Katrina "the she-elf of death" Swaim. Part one is here, by the way.

Scott: Before I let you off the hook completely, I really want to talk about two more topics. The first is Harry Potter.

Aside from the final book, which of the individual installments was your favorite (and least favorite, relatively speaking, of course)?

Katrina: I also love lamp!

Here's the problem with making a list of favorite movies: as soon as you're done with it, you think of ten more movies that should have been added to it! I loved your list, and was nodding and smiling most of the way through it in agreement. We'll have to part ways when it comes to Tarantino, though. While I appreciate something of his style (and he directed one of my all-time favorite CSI episodes, where Nick was buried alive), I'm not a huge fan of the bloodbath as an art form.

Sliding Doors and Love, Actually are great recommendations, too. Sliding Doors necessarily makes us wonder about the importance of small moments to our own lives, and I love the vignettes in Love, Actually. There's a universal recognition in these movies of the risks we willingly assume when we open ourselves up to loving another person, and the courage it takes to remold our expectations of love to the shape of its realities.

Now on to Harry Potter. The question you asked comes up a lot in discussions between fans, and so far I've yet to meet anyone who shares my opinion, but my favorite of the seven novels is Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix . It's dark, and distressing, and the persecution that Harry has always suffered increases exponentially as the Ministry of Magic acts through Delores Umbridge to isolate and silence him. This backdrop of desperation and helpless frustration serves as a perfect foil for the formation of Dumbledore's Army, and it is here, as he instructs and prepares his handful of faithful and courageous friends (the strength of that friendship being one of the pervasive themes of the series), that we first see a glimpse of the Harry who has it in him to face Voldemort in the cataclysmic final battle. I love the transition as Harry, who has always been acted upon by Voldemort and his minions, begins, now, to act.

Other things to enjoy: Fred and George Weasley's final "farewell" to Hogwarts, Hermione finally revealing her subversive streak, the intense battle at the Ministry between the Death Eaters and the Order, Dumbledore going mad monkey on Voldemort, the power of the press in awakening the wizarding world to danger (if The Quibbler can be classified as "the press"), the not-entirely-complimentary glimpse Harry gets of his father through Snape's memories, and wonderful, heroic Neville. I *heart* Neville Longbottom.

As for least favorite HP book, that's harder. As a true fan, I love them all, and where I love, I'm more than willing to overlook any faults. I suppose, as the weakest link in a strong chain, I'd pick Harry Potter and the Chamber of Secrets. While it is enjoyable to read and full of delightful details, it doesn't do as much to advance the overall story as the other novels. It gives us more of life at Hogwarts, more descriptions of Quidditch games, more instances of the deepening friendship between Harry, Hermione, and Ron, and another Voldemort-engineered attack on Harry, but it doesn't add significantly the Harry/Voldemort story arc, except in retrospect, through observations in subsequent books. Having said that, I still love it. Moaning Myrtle, polyjuice potion, Ginny Weasley's crush on Harry, parseltongue, mudbloods, Dobby--all were introduced in this book, and have taken their place in the history of HP's fictional world. So when I say it's the weak link, that's not saying a lot.

By the way, I listened to "Kill the Mullet" yesterday, and it's still stuck in my head. So thanks for that.

Scott: I thought the success of the Potter books hinged on different aspects of the storytelling as the series—and Harry—grew up. Through the first four books, much of what made the characters work was that the story was contemporary. Remember, if you go by the strict timeline of the books, Deathly Hallows' final battle took place in the spring of 1998. Yet because Rowling removed her characters from Muggle society and created a whole new milieu for her young characters to interact in, she was able to separate youth culture from popular culture. Her wizarding youth culture effectively created a wizarding pop culture that centered around Quiddich, The Wyrd Sisters and other recognizable aspects of Muggle pop culture turned into something that worked in her world. In the process, her young characters felt that much more real. They had the same interests, fears, triumphs and setbacks as preteens and teenagers everywhere. Through the first four books, establishing this cultural context not only made her world that much more real to the reader, it made us connect with those characters that much more. Going back to what I said earlier—I think all the best stories have a window through which the reader can project themselves. Whether you identified with Ron, Harry or Hermione, a reader could see very real and identifiable aspects of human nature in a story fraught with the otherworldly.

Beginning in Prisoner of Azkaban, the continuity of the books begins to play a more and more significant role, obviously. You could likely begin reading the Harry Potter series with any of the first four books, but after book three, there would be more significant holes in your understanding of the story. Using anything after Goblet of Fire as a starting point for your Harry Potter experience (assuming, of course, you haven't cheated and started with the movies) is out of the question. Since Rowling did such a good job of creating the HP universe in the first four books, she could proceed full steam with the story in the final three volumes—which she does with amazing effectiveness.

That said, Goblet was my favorite book aside from the final and Order of the Phoenix was my least so—like you, though, the difference between fave and least so is such a small gap it is barely worth mentioning. I just thought that some of Harry's surliness in Order felt a little forced. I found myself feeling like Dumbledore and the others weren't paying enough attention to Harry, despite the young wizard's obvious status as The Chosen One.

The more I read the Harry Potter books, the more I began to see that particularly in the last three volumes, the story was as much about the relationship between teens and adults. I know your own children are still a few years away from the "terrible teens," but I wonder if you didn't take a few thoughts away from the Dumbledore-Harry, Harry-Sirius, Snape-Dumbledore-Harry, Harry-Weasley-parents, Harry-Dursleys relationships when you think about your own children.

Katrina: I think the adults we like the most in HP are the ones who relate to the teenagers in the story as if they are intelligent, independent thinkers, who, while they still need adult guidance and counsel, are capable of making decisions and acting in a substantial way on the world around them. They talk to teenagers as if they are people, showing them respect and offering them the gift of trust for as long as they honor that trust with their actions. I'm thinking here of Sirius, Dumbledore, Mr. Weasley, Lupin, Moody, etc. As a parent, I'm afraid I'm more a Mrs. Weasley type, myself, but that could just be the function of having small children. I hope to evolve. :)

I think that independence (the main bone of contention at the center of the teenager/adult tug-of-war) should be gifted gradually but decisively over the course of the teenage years. If independence is a swimming pool, I hope to let my kids walk down the steps, learn their way through the shallow end while I'm still near enough to play lifeguard, and become confident swimmers before the water rises over their heads. The alternative, often seen in child-centered homes where overprotective or over involved parents reign (Dudley's, for example), is to toss them unceremoniously into the deep end of the pool on the day they leave the house (if they ever do!), to flounder around, trying to stay afloat, or possibly to sink straight to the bottom---drowning, ironically, because we were afraid to let them get in the water.

Now that's my intellectual assent to the concept; as to how it works in real life, you'll have to get back to me in 10 or 20 years.

Scott: And finally, we're in the home stretch: I thought I would wrap up my portion of this little conversation by playing the nostalgia card.

Because my family moved away from Atlanta the summer after our senior year, I lost touch with almost everyone I knew in high school over time. Honestly, through college and well after, I was almost constantly reinventing myself, it seemed. I guess given the opportunities, I tried on a lot of different hats in life, some of them ugly, some of them a little tattered but full of character and some perfectly fine, just not on me. I wasn't really comfortable in my own skin until I was about 30, and until I read the book I Love You, Beth Cooper (and, more recently saw Superbad) did I realize that since turning 30, my personality has been more like it was in high school than some new invention forged through the fires of trail-and-error over time.

This is what amazes me about you. When we were just kids (or what I would call kids now; sheesh, I'm getting old) you were the most genuine person I knew. I remember days when you could get an entire group of people to smile and laugh just by being your everyday self. This isn't to say that I didn't also observe you change in the ways that 13-18 year-old girls do, shifting your interests and exploring a rapidly widening world.

I remember your cheer, your laughter and your writing, which I am jealous of to this day. I told a coworker recently about you in the context of describing the different types of good writers.

"Writers like me," I said, "are good writers because we wanted to be writers, decided to be writers and worked hard for a long time to be good writers. My friend Katrina," I went on, "(and my friend Mike, but this isn't about him) are good writers because they have the ears and voices of poets. I can describe a scene to you and it will be a good description—you will see the scene I create. But when Katrina paints a picture, you feel it. You see it and smell it and hear it and it touches you almost physically. Every moment of her life seems to affect her that same way. Or at least she perceives and remembers those moments better than regular people."

Every now and then, since high school, I zone in and really write something special, something that goes beyond words and reaches inside a person and plucks a string and resonates with truth. Every time I've done that for the last 12 years, I've thought of it as "Katrina writing."

Reading your blog and hearing the stories of your family and your wonderful Luna Lovegood life, I think I recently came to understand that like your disposition in high school, the quality of your writing has more to do with being unafraid to be an individual (and suffer the slings and arrows, etc. etc.) than it does with being the cool kid or the next Jane Austin.

I'm glad we've reconnected, and I'm glad you've taken the time to do this little interview. Obviously, I plan to stay in touch—although I'll quit posting our emails on the blog, of course.

As always, my "Meet the Faculty" guests get the last word. The floor is open to you, madam. Play the nostalgia card yourself, opine on the merits of your favorite ice cream flavor, describe your master plan to clone your husband and deliver him to needy single women all over the globe—whatever you like, as long as you like. Me bloga es tu bloga.

Katrina: Wow, what can I say after all that love? I'm totally going to devote myself to trying to live up to the person I am in your generous, teen-spirit-tinted memories. I rather like the picture you paint of us, and what you wrote about my writing just washed over me in a warm, delicious wave. What a lovely thing to say. Thank you, my friend. I have only this to amend your observations: that you, in fact, belong to a third category of writers—those happy few in whom natural talent and hard work are united. If it weren't for those writers, the rest of us wouldn't have anything to read. I see only good things ahead in your ever-unfolding career.

Yeah, we were kids. And we still are, largely. I don't know about you, but most days I feel about seventeen inside. I keep waiting for wisdom and knowledge to zap me like a lightning bolt from above and turn me into one of those perceptive, courageous, insightful adults I've always wanted to be, like Atticus Finch in To Kill a Mockingbird. I wouldn't even mind the scorch marks on my butt if I could suddenly know the answers to questions like "Why can't we all just get along?" and "How do you change people's hearts?" (Or even "What's so hard about filling up the ice cube tray after you empty it, guys?")

Whatever the road you took to get there, I have no trouble imagining you as some near-permutation of your high school self, sitting at your keyboard, typing away, face split by the occasional grin as the words come out just the way you want them, gleefully turning over old memories like rocks to see what's still growing beneath them. That's the advantage of this type of correspondence. The intervening years, the ones we haven't witnessed, might as well not exist. It's still Friday night at the Steak 'N Shake.

So as I consider the merits of your husband-cloning suggestion (upside: more radiantly happy women in the world, downside: a global explosion of cheesy one-liners), and dish up a bowl of the best ice cream ever (Breyer's Mint Chocolate Chip), let me just thank you for the opportunity to participate in this conversation. It's been a fun experience, and one I'd love to repeat in person one of these days.

Meet the Faculty: “Hurricane” Katrina, Pt. 2

2007-08-25T09:26:00.001-04:00

We continue with part two of our faculty interview with Idaho Potato Queen Katrina Swaim, an old high school friend of the Dean. If you missed part one, you'll want to read it or some of this segment will seem more disjointed than even regular readers are accustomed to.

Scott: So we both like good literature. That's fine and well, but let me pose you a question I asked my last interviewee: what are your guilty pleasures, artistically speaking?

Katrina: I used to love to read Stephen King. His eye for the minutiae of moment-to-moment human experience and his great feel for thrusting Everyman into the most unthinkable situations just to see how his inner strengths and weaknesses come to the fore make him one of my favorite authors. So many of his protagonists are writers, too, that one can't help but notice his fascination for the half-practical, half-mystical process of writing. It's as if even he doesn't know where it comes from sometimes. I bet his book, On Writing, has a lot of great insights.

Your point about Aragorn [from the last post, campers—SG] is well taken. I admit I've never considered him in that light before, but now that I do, I wonder that I could have overlooked the parallels between Christ and Aragorn. He comes, unlooked for, from the least likely quarter, in the garb of a commoner. His return, though long foretold, has ceased to be expected and has nearly receded into the realm of myth. His claim is unwelcome by those who have profited in power or wealth in his absence (true of pre-crucifixion Christ, too, if you remember the Sanhedrin). I've always considered Frodo, with his sacrifice and enslavement to the quest, to be the central savior figure of LotR, but now that I look at it more closely, you're quite right. The triumphant return of the King is the pinnacle of the gospel story. Perhaps Frodo, in a sense, is us--our personal journeys of discovery and purpose, serving a power higher than ourselves and being transformed by that power. Hmmm... You've given me lots of delicious food for thought.

And now, speaking of delicious, you asked me about my pop culture guilty pleasures. Wherever shall I start?

World of Warcraft, that massive multiplayer online role-playing game of geek legend, claimed another victim on the day I created my first character, a night elf druid blessed with incredible healing powers and a nineteen-inch waist. What started as a show of marital solidarity ended in a full-blown gaming addiction, and though I don't play as much as I used to, I still spend an unhealthy amount of time at the keyboard in pitched combat against the ravaging Horde. Player vs. player skirmishes are my favorite aspect of the game. There's a certain delight in knowing, as I smack down a level 70 orc mage, that some guy in Toledo is slamming his keyboard against his head in frustration.

Procedural dramas: CSI (the New York cast is the best), Criminal Minds, Law & Order. I shouldn't watch as much as I do; add in an episode of Without a Trace and a dose of the local news and I'm a hair's breadth away from becoming an agoraphobic and installing a five thousand dollar home security system in our two bedroom apartment.

The Joss Whedon Sci Fi Channel series Firefly is one of my favorite pieces of science-fiction. Though short-lived (only fourteen episodes and a movie), it paired everything I love about space adventure with all the best elements of a classic western. The characters are engaging and the dialogue is witty and entertaining. I only discovered the series after it had already been cancelled, but I was glued to the DVDs from start to finish.

iPod. From the moment I saw it, I knew I had to join the ranks of those crazy silhouette dancers with the telltale white earbuds. I love iTunes, too (but don't get me started on the DRM). In my foolish youth, I scoffed at the idea of downloading music online, maintaining a purist's attachment to holding a glistening CD in my grubby hands rather than deal with the dubious attractions of bits and bytes. Now I can't click the "Buy It" button fast enough. I recently downloaded the best of Bon Jovi, and I can barely describe the great satisfaction of cruising down the road while my daughter joins me in crooning "Keep the Faith" from the backseat.

The Office, Star Wars, superhero movies, Bridezillas, Janet Evanovich books, Starbucks, YouTube, and X-Files complete my list of transgressions. Now that you know, will you use the knowledge for good or evil?

Scott: Wow, you play WoW.

I tried to get started on it and had a good time for a little while. Essentially, the game is just Dungeons & Dragons set online, and I misspent enough of my high school years playing that incredible waste of time with Chris Dunbar. Between D&D and having a mad crush on Katie Jaffe, my first two years of high school were pretty much booked.

Alas, I was just too late coming to the party for World of Warcraft. There were entire societies and economies and languages that used words like "noob" already in place. Plus, every time I got my ass handed to me in one-on-one combat, I thought of a pimply-faced 15-year old (probably very much like myself at 15) chugging down his fifth Red Bull and doing the Tiger Woods fist pump while I gathered up my pride like spilt notebooks in C Hall and mumbled about how I had seen Def Leppard, Don Henley and the Who by 15—what the hell had he done?

Just too much frustration for a relaxing activity.

This blog is pretty much dedicated to my guilty pleasures, so I won't go into a long list. But I was thinking about how we are finally reconnecting after over a decade incommunicado (which has been, by the way, a real treat) and I started thinking about the movies we used to love in high school. I even bought Dead Poet's Society the other day.

My fiancé Jessica saw Uncle Buck for the first time the other day (she's 10 years younger than I am, so she was still learning multiplication tables when the flick came out—I shudder) and I caught myself thinking that no matter how dated the outfits and music seemed, the themes of those good high school movies were still standing up. I'm thinking about the whole John Hughes lineup—Breakfast Club, Ferris Bueller, etc.—as well as some of the classics like Say Anything. I even found myself looking at the two-for-eleven rack at Wal-Mart hoping to come across The Lost Boys on DVD.

Since we last talked on a regular basis—and for the sake of argument, we'll say that was 1996—what have been your favorite movies, and why? Anything from 1997 to the present is fair game, and Lord of the Rings is already in. You can always check the release of a movie with Internet Movie Database. I'll give you my list and reasons after you send yours along.

Katrina: The online version of Dungeons & Dragons? Oh, the calumny! I've never rolled a ten-sided die in my life, I'll have you know. Many intelligent, socially adjusted, non-LARP-inclined, emotionally healthy people play WoW, and if you were still playing, I'd track you across the land of Azeroth and smite you down with my Staff of Divine Infusion in comeuppance for your scorn!

Okay, so I am a geek.

Which brings us to favorite movies, post-1996. I could probably name a lot of movies I appreciated for their artistic merit or sensitive treatment of an important subject, but I'd rather talk about the ones I truly love, the ones that we've added to our DVD collection and watch over and over, the ones I pop in when I'm sick, or the apartment is too quiet, or I want to laugh or cry or hug myself as the happy ending soaks into me again. So here we go.

Pride and Prejudice: I own two versions of this, and love each one on its own merits. The much-longer A&E/BBC version (I'm cheating a little since it was released in 1995, though I didn't see it till a few years later) boasts the quintessential Mr. Darcy in Colin Firth, and is five hours of delightful human interplay rolled up in period costumes and true-to-the-book dialogue. The more recent feature film preserves all the spirit of Austen's wit and social commentary, but with a faster, more cinematic pacing and a romantic ending scene more tailored to American sensibilities. I watch them both regularly, sometimes one right after the other. A lot of my other favorite movies walk around in these same shoes: Sense and Sensibility, Mansfield Park, Jane Eyre, The Importance of Being Earnest, Emma. Clearly, I have a thing for costume dramas.

Phantom of the Opera: A beautiful send-up of the Andrew Lloyd Webber musical, starring (hubba, hubba!) Gerard Butler in the titular role. Webber noted in the extra features that he chose the non-classically trained Butler to give the Phantom something of a "rock-and-roll" edge to his voice. The effect is outstanding! Though I've come around to believing that Christine made the better choice in staying with Raoul, don't think for a moment that the gothic romance of life with the captivating Phantom in his sparkling underground labyrinth didn't hold some allure.

Dear Frankie: Another Gerard Butler film (yes, I admit to having a little celebrity crush), Dear Frankie is a poignant, slow-moving character drama set in Scotland. It centers around Frankie, a young deaf boy, and his mother, who secretly writes Frankie letters purporting to be from his seafaring father. This loving, interested fictional father is as far from the harsh reality as can be, and the story of Frankie's real father unfolds throughout the course of the movie. All is well, however, until the ship that supposedly carries Frankie's dad turns out to be a real ship and is scheduled to dock in their small port town. His mother is forced to either abandon the charade or enlist the help of a mysterious stranger to take part in it. A beautiful, moving, sweet treasure of a movie. I see something new every time I watch it.

Mystery Men: "Maybe you should put some shorts on or something, if you want to keep fighting evil today." "Do you think there's a really angry way I can say I'm sorry?" "This is why mad scientists are generally less desirable than your common or garden variety scientist." "We struck down evil with the mighty sword of teamwork and the hammer of...not bickering." Best superhero lampoon ever. We quote it all the time.

The Fifth Element: It's Die Hard meets Star Wars, a piece of pulpy sci-fi that is fast and fun and, best of all, never apologizes for its over-the-top plot or its campy style. Pure entertainment. Also, Gary Oldman. What more needs to be said?

Elizabethtown: This film was something of a flop, critically speaking, but it just touched me in all the right spots, from the word "fiasco." Things to love: Alec Baldwin's turn as Drew's terrifyingly upbeat and cold-blooded boss, Drew and Claire's all night cell phone call and their subsequent adoption into a drunken stranger's wedding party, Claire's road-trip-to-emotional-healing map and accompanying soundtrack, Susan Sarandon's interpretive funeral dance, "Free Bird" setting the hotel conference room on fire, and on and on. As far as I'm concerned, the critics can stick it in their popcorn bowl.

The Harry Potter series: It's a tall order, bringing to life a beloved fictional world from a set of books that has enjoyed as much popularity as J.K. Rowling's finally finished masterwork. Despite a parade of different directors, I've been thrilled with every one of the Harry Potter movies thus far released. Great special effects, attention to story, and careful casting have served the transition from book to movie well, owing, no doubt, to an extraordinary amount of involvement by the author herself as a consultant in the filmmaking process. I can't wait to see (and own) the final two installments.

I really could go on and on, but I'm so interested to hear your list that I'm going to stop there. Great question, though. I love movies. I love seeing them in the theatre with a bladder-buster sized Diet Coke in my hand, and I love watching them at home snuggled up next to my honey under a warm blanket. Netflix is the most painless bill I pay every month and I rarely go grocery shopping without picking up a new DVD. And felicity of felicities, Paul and I have a remarkably similar taste in movies (except for a long-running debate we have concerning Romy and Michelle's High School Reunion, but I won't air our dirty laundry here.)

So, lay it on me. What movies do you love? And do you usually get your way at the movie store?

Scott: Top notch list.

If you liked Mystery Men, check out this clip (the language is bleeped before going rated 'R' but still not for little tiny ears):

Yep. Many of these guys are my friends. "Liquid Courage" actually has his own blog in my sidebar (look under "Derek"). We're waiting to see if Rev. Jake can play at our wedding (he's currently touring with a country music band that has been on the Billboard charts with a tune called, "Kill the Mullett"—you can't make this stuff up).

I also love The Fifth Element, if only to hear Milla Jovovich say "awtowash" and "moolti-pass." I get tingly. She is perfect.

My most quotable movie since 1996 is Anchorman. I nearly peed myself in the theater the first time I saw the movie. Considering that I was alone in the theater and I laugh very loudly, I think some of the other patrons were a little afraid. "What? You pooped in the refrigerator? And you ate the whole... wheel of cheese? How'd you do that? Heck, I'm not even mad; that's amazing." "Sweet Lincoln's mullet!" "I ate fiberglass insulation. It wasn't cotton candy like the guy said... my tummy itches."

I'm also awfully fond of The 40-Year-Old Virgin. Since Knocked Up was good and the same guys are doing Superbad, I'm very stoked about going to the movies this weekend and laughing like a hyena. And yes, I'm an Office fan.

Swingers was fantastic, also. When I was moving back to Georgia from Reno, my dad and I had been in the moving van for about five hours (of a three day trip) and were just outside of Las Vegas. I suddenly yelled, "Vegas, baby! Vegas!" He hadn't seen the movie and was mostly just startled.

So, yeah, my sense of humor has actually gotten more juvenile since you knew me in high school.

Away from comedy, I really like Quentin Tarantino. Kill Bill (1 & 2) are fantastic movies, and although they aren't pre-1996, I love the trio of Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs and True Romance (which Quentin Tarantino wrote, but Tony Scott directed—a masterpiece). Pulp Fiction changed my life, really, in terms of how I see storytelling. I think it is the most important movie of the last 20 years. So, yeah, I'm a geek, too. The thing is that Tarantino just has this way of creating a mood with everything from costumes to set dressing to camera shots to his direction of the actors. Jessica watches Kill Bill about every 10-12 days.

I have a parallel to your list, too—when you sited Elizabethtown, you hit on my favorite writer/director of coming-of-age flicks, Cameron Crowe. I think Almost Famous is the best movie of that ilk since Crowe did Say Anything. On an unrelated note, the song "Come Pick Me Up" which is the centerpiece of the "road trip CD" sequence is one of the songs I love most to play on guitar. Yep. Since high school, I've taken up guitar. I can play maybe a dozen songs. That's one of them.

What I loved about Almost Famous, though, is how much the story is about just loving something and someone, no matter what. After my brother and I went to see Cracker earlier this summer, we got to meet the band. We gushed. At one point, he turned to me and said, "dude, we are such band aids."

"So what," I said.

In typical guy fashion I loved 300 and Saving Private Ryan (although HBO's miniseries Band of Brothers is even better). I like the idea of putting your loyalties ahead of yourself, which permeated both of those movies.

And lest you think I have forgotten my roots in the theater and our AP English class, I really fell for Shakespeare in Love.

Since '96 I have also really, really become a fan of two films that would be considered "chick" flicks: Sliding Doors and Love, Actually. I was going to list Beautiful Girls, but it came out in 1996.

Both Sliding Doors and Love, Actually are British comedies, which may say something about how much more deftly the Brits deal with their romance. There are all the same themes in these two comedies as a typical American chick flick, but without all the whiney angst that seems to seethe out of the collective American psyche. Each has some really poignant lessons, too, and while Love, Actually has some of the typical feel-good moments you'd expect from a Saturday night date movie, there are also some crushing moments and ambiguous endings in the ensemble comedy/drama. I actually thought about suggesting this movie to you when I read about your marriage class.

As far as battling over movies, Jess and I are like you and Paul—we like pretty much the same stuff. Even when she was reluctant to go see Transformers, she found herself enjoying the movie.

Monday: The grand finale—of this interview and of the Harry Potter series. We cover it all and return to 1991 in suburban Atlanta. Jeeze, Mr. Peabody, whatever will we see there? I don't know, Sherman. I don't know.

The Cult of I-AA: Elvis is in the building

2007-08-23T23:18:00.001-04:00

When Jerry Glanville came to the Atlanta Falcons, the team still wore red helmets and jerseys, drew almost no one to home games and even managed to botch the top draft picks they earned with their catastrophic play on the field. Glanville changed Falcons' motif to Johnny Cash, left tickets for Elvis, took the birds to the playoffs twice and generally managed to keep everyone's attention off the losses when the Falcons weren't "2 Legit 2 Quit."

If you've been a Falcons' fan as long as I have, this pretty much puts Glanville in the Falcons' coaching Hall of Fame with Dan Reeves and Leeman Bennett. It's pretty grim being a Falcons' fan.

If Glanville has even close to the positive effect on Portland State that he had on the lowly Atlanta Falcons, fans of the Vikings could be rejoicing like fat Elvis at an all-night waffle bar. In case you missed it, Glanville is joining the Cult of I-AA as the Vikings' new head coach.

And the High Priest wants to take a few moments to congratulate him.

It would have been easy for Glanville to continue enjoying the sunny perfection of Hawaii, where he was serving as the defensive coordinator for another ex-Falcons' coach, June Jones. It would have been easy to return to television, where he was as adept as any ex-jock or ex-coach to take up the mic and twice as entertaining. My dream "Monday Night Football" broadcast booth would be Glanville, Dennis Miller and the corpse of Howard Cosell in a four-man booth with Pat Summerall calling the action.

But I digress.

It isn't like Glanville is inheriting a bare cupboard, either. On short notice, Glanville took over for Tim Walsh when the former PSU head man joined Army as offensive coordinator. The Vikings went 7-4 last season, and were just one touchdown from beating Montana and entering at least the playoff discussion. In fact, the Vikings have had solid stretches of play going back to the 2003 season—Portland State has just fallen a little shy of capitalizing, particularly late in the season.

Glanville might just be the man to change that type of performance.

Some coaches just fit the college game better than the pro one. Pete Carroll at Southern California is a great example. The Rah-rah attitude and enthusiasm may not have caught on among the guys getting paid to play, but things seem to be working out okay at USC.

Glanville, too, has the kind of charisma that made him popular with the players even in The League. He'll have the Vikings running like their hair is on fire and their asses are catching. He'll make his team meaner between the lines than Mike Vick's guard dog. He'll have the Utah Chapter of the Flying Elvises parachute in for the season opener. Okay, I made up the last part (I hope).

Most of all, he'll help the Vikings by drawing attention to them.

In I-AA, even the powerhouses can get ignored. Montana has some key advantages because, hell, it's the University of Montana. You could cross Georgia and South Carolina and not cover the distance between UM and, well, civilization.

Georgia Southern is within a modest drive of Georgia, Georgia Tech, Alabama, Auburn, Florida and Florida State. Appalachian State is more or less next door neighbors to Virginia Tech, Tennessee, NC States, West Virginia and a few other I-A powers (as well as also-ran football schools like North Carolina and Duke). Youngstown State has four I-AA national titles, but still toils in the very long shadow of Big 10 football—particularly Ohio State, who even robbed the Penguins of their most successful football coach.

Until now, the most recognizable name associated with Portland State might have been Hugh Hefner squeeze Holly Madison. Glanville will add some non-bimbo name recognition to a program bookended by Oregon and Oregon State and overshadowed in its own division by schools like Montana, Montana State and eastern Washington. Just a little name recognition goes a long way in I-AA, too. The last recognizable name to transition to I-AA was former Georgia defensive coordinator Brian VanGorder and… okay, bad example. How about Erk Russell, who started up the Georgia Southern program from scratch as a household name among Southern football fans and won three national titles? That's a little better, and more appropriate, since by all accounts Glanville has plenty of personality where BVG had, ahh, a moustache. Sort of.

It's usually the other way around in I-AA. Great coaches get their head coaching break with the smaller program, then get snapped up a la Jim Tressell, Paul Johnson or Bobby Johnson. To see a "name" coach willingly move into a position in the Cult is nice, and as a fan of both the subdivision and the Atlanta Falcons, I hope Glanville does well.

Make Elvis proud, Jerry.

Lost and found

Lost: One NFL quarterback, high mileage, big luggage rack for excess baggage. Last seen at PetSmart. Scratch that. Last seen in federal court.

Found: Former Payton award winning quarterback. Currently residing in the sovereign nation of Texas under the direction of owner/head coach Jerry Jones. Not meant for special teams play.

Lost: Starting running back for the Chicago Bears. Injury-prone. Not actually lost yet, but Cult fans are hoping.

Found: Perfectly good NFL running back on Chicago bench. Division I's all-time leading rusher.

Lost: Brittany Spears' dignity.

Found: Panties, unused. (Sorry, I know Brittany jokes are so two Lindsay Lohan DUIs ago).

"Lost:" This week's Cult Babe, Evangaline Lilly. The High Priest would like to end up on a desert island with her. Only without all the crazy Others and man-eating smoke and crackhead rock stars. Of course, the soon-to-be High Priestess might veto said island excursion.

Lost: The next 1,500 words for this column.

Found: Next week's "Cult of I-AA," featuring a rundown of the rankings, week one predictions, a ballot for the Cult Hall of Fame and the All-Cult Fantasy Team. in other words, something more like last week's yak-fest. Up next Thursday or Friday.

Note to pet lovers

No animals were harmed in the writing of this column. I mean, I accidentally kicked the cat, but that little sumbitch is always hiding out under the desk and I always forget to look. As for all the Mike Vick jokes, I laugh to keep from crying. My favorite pro football team is in the hands of—oh, God—Joey Harrington, which is just a step better than having Joey Buttafucco under center. I even named my fantasy team Bad Newz Kennels in an act of defiance. But I hope anyone who engages in dog fighting is reincarnated as a Milk Bone.

Until next week, don't share the secret handshake.

Meet the Faculty: High School Reunion

2007-08-21T23:52:00.001-04:00

We return with our second "Meet the Faculty" session, a chance for IHT students and interested onlookers to meet some of the minds who contribute actively to the dialogue of this pop-culture based blog or, in this month's case, a person who contributed mightily to the background of the IHT's Dean waaay back in "the day."

Katrina Swaim was Katrina Wright during her days at Shiloh High School, where we struck up a friendship in the eighth or ninth grade, I forget. One of the most gifted writers you'll ever meet and one of my favorite people despite a long lapse in our communication, Katrina serves as "full time activities director and amateur psychologist to two amazing kids" (her words) somewhere in the great untamed land of Idaho, where she lives with hubby Paul. Although we haven't seen each other since our early 20s and haven't talked since Bill Clinton's first term in office, the Dean and the Mommy recently reunited through the magic of the Internet.

Different life paths lead to different lessons but my early exchanges with Katrina lead me to believe she is still one of the sharpest, funniest people you could hope to know. She agreed to have our "virtual reunion" turned into a "Meet the Faculty" segment where we can discuss divergent life paths, Harry Potter, online gaming and whether or not reality television was prophesized in Revelations.

Scott: I dug around and found an old picture of us together. Senior yearbook, Mr. Chandler's journalism class. During the process of thumbing through the yearbook, I winced a few times. Mostly for other people, particularly the girls with giant balls of curly hair sprayed to the point where the female forehead could be used as a blunt trauma weapon.

The geek kids, though, those castoffs from fashion and trendy sensibility—they look okay. No mullets, no poof-ball hair, no "new wave" sport coats, stone washed jeans, paisley ties or big headbands. Nope, those kids wee jeans, t-shirts and polos. Classic. Even you were "classically eccentric." Granted, we were far from being social pariahs, but we weren't the "it" kids, either.

As a parent, how do you handle it? You want your kid to have friends and be accepted, but being at least a partial outsider (or at least outside of the "popular kids") seems to be a surefire head start on not getting sucked into the vast marketing machine that hopes to vacuum up every boy and girl from age 8-28 and turn them into the Stepford People. You also don't want to cast aspersions on every kid in a Abercrombie shirt, either, no matter how misguided their motives may be for wearing it, because if I know you, you don't want your children judging books by covers, either.

When I think about this stuff, I think I'm just going to warp my kid from the start and hope people are terrified of him/her. The kid can sort it out on their own in college.

Katrina: Those pictures! Is that really us? I thought I remembered being a lot more sophisticated and worldly-wise than that girl in the thrift-store cameo and sleeveless Anne of Green Gables blouse. Surprisingly, I can still name half the people in that photo, right down to tiny Sarah Wardlaw standing next to me. (She was my prom date, you know. That's what happens when you hold out for Eli Pickering to ask you but you stupidly don't tell him! Can I have a do-over on that, please?)

What was the question again?

Oh, yes. How do you prepare your kids for the social maneuvering of the adolescent years?

To be honest, by the time your kids get there, I think it's mostly out of your hands. So much of the groundwork for social interaction is laid early, from baby's first lessons in interpersonal relationships: "Share." "Don't hit." "Take turns." "Stop shoving marbles in your brother's nose. How many marbles are up there, anyway?" By the time the hormones kick in, your child already knows things about himself--what he's good at, how people respond to him, what behaviors bring about desired outcomes. And the scary part is that a lot of that knowing comes, with or without your knowledge, from you. "Jeremy's my shy one." "Look at this paper Katrina wrote!" "I swear, Mason's going to be a comedian when he grows up; he's so funny!" I think it's important to be aware of the messages you're giving your kids in your daily interactions with them, and with others. They see and hear everything, the little buggers.

One thing I'd like to give my kids (and I'm still working out how to do this; if you have any blinding flashes of insight, let me know), is the confidence to swim against the stream. Not non-conformity for its own sake, but the courage to take an unpopular stand for what they believe is right, the strength to flee from temptation when all they want to do is give in, the confidence to find their own way even when it means forging a new and lonely trail. I'm a Christian, and if my son and daughter become Christians, too, as I pray they will, I can guarantee that they'll need all of those things.

What you said about not judging the Abercrombie kids is true, too. Hopefully, whatever other character traits our kids develop, they'll cover them all with compassion. I remember being on the receiving end of a lot of compassion in high school, and it's a quality I valued in my friends, even at that age. I think that's why I'm one of the few people I know that can look back at my high school friendships with so much warmth.

By the way, if you really want to warp your kid, I think I have an old Culture Club tape* around here somewhere...

*Cassette tape—(for young readers) The primary format of music storage before CDs were invented consisted of a magnetic tape wound between two spools and encased in a protective plastic shell. Archaic, I know, but that's how it was before Microsoft ruled the world.

Scott: No do-overs on Eli Pickering. We tried to get you guys together at prom by stuffing the ballot box for Prom King and Queen with his name and yours, but as I'm sure you remember, that just resulted in Eli getting to dance with Gina Carellas, the goddess of Shiloh High's Class of 91.

But I digress.

I think getting to watch you as a parent would be a unique joy for anyone who knew you back in those long-lost days. You talk about compassion, but I remember you being the eternally-cheery voice of silliness. I say this with all possible reverence: you were Luna Lovegood before J.K. Rowling ever made her first trillion. I imagine that same endless cheer from high school directed toward the task of raising a child and I am pretty sure that your kids are going to grow up to be smart, independent, self-assured, slightly strange and incredibly interesting people.

Speaking of interesting—you dropped Leonidas's name a couple of times in a recent blog, so I'm assuming that you snuck away from the kiddies at some point and saw 300. When I first saw the movie, I loved it and really, really wanted to hit someone with a sword. On second viewing, it became quickly apparent that there were some really subtle themes bubbling just under the surface (and that Klingons are just Spartans in space, although I knew that already). Beyond the obvious-as-a-spear-through-the-gut motifs of loyalty and courage and duty I saw a movie about love (for wives, children and friends), hubris (not just the obvious, but the hubris of Leonidas as well) and the need for a good exercise regimen for one's abs and pecs.

I should have expected nothing less from Frank Miller, the man who showed us what it would look like when Batman got old.

Katrina: Luna Lovegood? Okay, I'll go along with that. I may not champion the cause of the Crumple-Horned Snorkack, but I do hold some beliefs that others might find ridiculous: truth is absolute, the sun will come out tomorrow, and Christopher Marlowe faked his own death so he could spend his remaining years at a timeshare in Italy, bodysurfing and anonymously editing a local pamphlet series entitled "The Verona Sun-Times."

No, I've not seen 300 yet, though it's on my Netflix queue and I'm familiar with the story. I'm very fascinated by the spirit of the underdog, the fire within, the faith that allows anyone to take up the mantle of combat against impossible odds in a cause for which they are willing to die. I can see it in so many of my favorite books and movies—The Lord of the Rings, Braveheart, Chronicles of Narnia, Henry V ("If we are mark'd to die, we are enough To do our country loss; and if to live, The fewer men, the greater share of honour. God's will! I pray thee, wish not one man more.") Furthermore, I think you hit the nail on the head; such acts are not about toughness, or pride, or duty, so much as they are about love. Love is the one thing that is greater than fear, greater than death. Love for a country, love for a child, love for God--it is the one force that overcomes all other considerations.

Naturally, great abs are a bonus.

Since we're treading on the hem of what elements I most enjoy in human drama, I'll expound. Take, for instance, the Lord of the Rings trilogy, a long-beloved literary work and, more recently, a favorite set of films. I can never read or watch them without feeling such an intense pull on my heart's longings that I would, if I could, leap into the saddle and join the fray on Pelennor Fields, to prevail or die in the attempt. I don't feel like a mere observer as Frodo takes step after weary step closer to the seat of darkness in a desperate and nearly hopeless effort to do what no one else can do. I touched on this in the comments on my recent Harry Potter related blog post, but I am a great believer in what C.S. Lewis called "sehnsucht." I feel it coursing through my veins at every second when I'm wrapped up in a great story. The best stories, the ones I love to read or watch over and over, are, I believe, echoes of the Great Story that has been written into the fabric of our hearts by the One who made us. And that doesn't mean only explicitly "Christian" works by professed believers. The amazing thing is that the same themes--redemption, hope, love, sacrifice, salvation--resonate within all of us, whether we believe or not, and emerge, even unintentionally, in many of stories that touch us most. (My point in my blog comment was that Harry Potter is an archetypal messiah character, much the same as Frodo or Aslan or Neo or countless others, and a good example of this phenomenon.)

So what about you? I understand you're writing a novel yourself (an undertaking that fills me with awed admiration, I must admit!) What elements do you think go into a great story? I was interested in what you had to say in an earlier post about bringing a unique voice to a medium in which there is a dearth of unique ideas. How do you do that? Also, I often wonder how fiction authors can enter so authentically and completely into characters that are vastly different from themselves. Perhaps I just lack imagination in that area, since I've never tried that kind of writing. Any insights into the process of novel writing you'd like to share?

Scott: Two writers gave me some great advice to approaching a novel. William Deihl, who passed away last year, told me that it was never too late to start or finish your first novel. He said that if writing a novel was what I wanted to do, there was no expiration date on it short of your own expiration date. Stephen King wrote in his book On Writing that the biggest key to writing a novel was to write it—sit down and just type, everyday, even when you didn't feel like it, until you were finished.

That's simple enough.

What you were talking about is far more complex. I haven't found too many writers who have the same experience telling a story. Some use elaborate outlines and know the beginning, middle and end points of their books before they write the first paragraph. Others—including King—just write and let the story flow from them. I do a little of both. I have an idea of where my story will go, but when I write, it seems as though the characters and situations take on a life of their own. Invariably, those characters will fall into dull, predictable (and realistic, if you're honest about human nature) courses of action. As a writer, the outline helps me get those characters back on task.

My elements of a good story are similar to yours. I like there to be an element of connection to the story between the write, reader and the work itself. I agree that when classic elements infiltrate into storytelling there is a longing by the reader to be more a part of the exposition—a desire to enter the pages of the book like The Neverending Story. I think most good books have a character that the reader connects with and sees themselves in. Certainly, Harry Potter was a messianic figure, but he was also a teenager struggling to fit into his world. Everyone relates to that.

In The Lord of the Rings (which I re-read every 3-4 years), all of the Hobbits are eyes for the reader. The Halflings provide an entry point into a fantasy world because Frodo and Company know about as little about the greater world of Middle Earth than a first-time reader does. What the Hobbits do know comes from Bilbo's adventures, which we readers are also familiar with. I would even go so far as to say that Frodo was not the messianic figure in Lord of the Rings. I think that was Aragorn. Most of the time in literature we think of a messianic figure in terms of a pre-crucifixion Christ. Aragorn is Christ returned after a long absence, calling the faithful to his side, raising the dead from their graves and giving them an opportunity to erase their sins and finally creating a more perfect world with his return.

Back to my novel—I wrote 50 pages of it and some friends circulated those pages with tremendously positive response. But I needed something more to make the story work. I think I've found the key in the voice itself. I talk a lot about voice, because I think it is the most important aspect of any story. The voice I finally found for my novel was that of a friendly neighborhood bartender sharing a tall tale over a cold beer on a slow night with good music pouring un-loudly out of the jukebox. He became the doorway into the story for the reader. He's my Harry or Frodo or Lucy or Stu Redman (I know you read The Stand, because it was my copy you read).

Now, once I finish this marriage-play-house-hunting phase of my life, I think I'll have the tools to finally sit down and do what King tells me is the key: just write until I'm finished.

Saturday, on the next "Meet the Faculty": More talk between old friends. World of Warcraft, who's calling who a geek and man, things escalate quickly!

Roger Ebert is a F*&!ing Genius

2007-08-18T18:48:00.000-04:00

After attending the faculty screening of Superbad, I wanted to say something about the movie. But Roger Ebert, the best movie critic in the business, wrote such a perfect review of the movie that I gladly step aside for his words.

What makes Ebert better than most? Well, no critic's tastes will ever line up completely with your own, but Ebert tells his audience about movies with enough information to let them decide for themselves whether his assertions parallel their own tastes or if perhaps they will like the movie despite his aversion. Even writing from home after falling into poor health, Ebert is strong and alive in his words.

Thanks, Rog. Loved the movie, loved the review.

The Cult of I-AA: We’re Stuck Here Now, My Flock

2007-08-16T22:17:00.001-04:00

Welcome back to the Temple of Division I Championship Football, my little gridiron sycophants—the High Priest of I-AA is back in the pulpit. It's been two years since I sat down and put together my weekly scroll of entertainment, insight and fun football facts for America's greatest collective underground sports fan base. Forgive me if I seem a little rusty, and remember that I am no longer a full-time sports writer and "insider" (cue music appropriate to a conspiracy movie). The High Priest is writing from the fan's perspective these days.

That's right—I'm one of you. Only better.

Let's get right down to things, shall we.

To quote Springfield Elementary's esteemed groundskeeper: "Willie warned ye!!"

In April and May of this year, the High Priest was coming off a series of blog posts about how my hometown Georgia Southern Eagles should look to move out of I-AA. I've long been a supporter of GSU staying put and remaining a big fish in a small pond , so I consistently stated that my motivation for this change of opinion was because I loved I-AA football, not because I hated it. Sort of how I watch The Simpsons less these days—I just can't stand to see a diminished product, one that is the victim of its own success. I'll have more to say about all that somewhere down the road.

(In case you're interested, those posts are here: Part I, Part II, Part III, Part 3.2, Part IV, Part V – I never wrote the final recap I promised, so consider this it).

I later corresponded with a GSU fan known for abrasively pursuing the I-A agenda on message boards and we talked about the climate around I-AA (or FCS, a term I abhor for reasons that will soon become apparent). On June 17, I posted the following diatribe:

"[There] are already three tiers of D-I football—I-A haves, I-A have-nots, and I-AA.

When (not if) the BCS eventually makes a power play to either (a) seal off I-A from any more teams moving up and siphoning off their revenue or (b) kick out the lower-tier teams altogether or (c) break off completely from the NCAA and negotiate their own TV contract for the full season, then the best place for schools like Georgia Southern, App State, UMass, Delaware, Youngstown State, Montana and other legitimate football schools currently in I-AA to be is with the lower-tier I-As. That block of schools will have the real power to (a) form a better, 85-scholarship championship football league (b) legally cock-block the BCS, possibly forcing a playoff at the sport's highest level or (c) live off the settlement money the NCAA will pay those schools to not be a pain in the ass."

So what did the NC-two-A just do? That's right. Option A—they capped the well, instituting a moratorium on moves between divisions and subdivisions until 2011. The actual proposal explained the move thusly:

"In 2000, the membership approved a moratorium to allow each division an appropriate time period to address issues related membership growth. During that two-year time period, Division I established a more detailed educational assessment program to govern the transition to Division I and developed standards that more clearly distinguish football playing institutions among subdivisions. While the membership transition processes have improved, the simple fact is that migration to Division I continues and shows no sign of slowing down… It is difficult to project the implications of such recommendations on the Division I membership. Further, Division I is undertaking a potential change in its governance structure. With that in mind, it is likely that it will take some time to establish a framework to address membership issues, analyze the current philosophies, expectations and requirements and introduce and begin to implement proposed changes. A four-year period should provide a reasonable amount of time to accomplish this initiative."

Anyone who is surprised by this move hasn't been hanging out with the High Priest for the last three years. In 2004, I wrote a series of articles about I-A and I-AA for the Statesboro Herald. I interviewed Sun Belt commissioner Wright Waters, who said, "There is a point of diminishing returns at the number of schools. Conferences fill up. And there's going to be no more room at the well."

In other words, my little football worshippers, it isn't like this is breaking news.

So what does it mean for I-AA? Two scenarios show up most often in the High Priest's crystal ball:

(1) The "old" BCS conferences (Big 10, Big 12, Big East, ACC, SEC, Pac-10) plus Notre Dame will use the next BCS television contract to peel themselves off from the I-A "have nots" and play a four-team playoff championship. Odds: about as good as Brittany and Paris showing up on a sex tape together—you know it could happen, it might even be out there, but it would still be a little bit of a surprise.

(2) The I-As will hold on to their money-factory bowl structure through at least one more BCS contract, but in doing so will continue to play nice with mid-major I-As. Odds: you could lead college presidents off a cliff like lemmings with a suitcase full of money. The Magic 8-Ball is indicating this scenario plays out.

If the current I-AAs want to make any progress, the subdivision has to hope for scenario two above and three things have got to happen or be in the process of happening by 2011:

(1) The new scholarship maximum for I-AA football must increase to 75.

(2) The I-AA championship game must move to Dec. 30 and the field must include the champions of both HBCU conferences currently not involved in the post season and the Ivy League.

(3) A minimum of 60 scholarships or equivalent grants-in-aid must be issued by any school participating in the I-AA playoffs.

As sports fans grow more sick and tired of the antiquated Bowl system, I-AA would be improving by leaps and bounds over the four-year period. More scholarships mean deeper teams. Adding the HBCUs and the Ivy schools adds broader appeal to the playoffs. Moving the title game lets the Ivy play its traditional schedule, lets the HBCUs have their annual post-season "Classic" and gains a wider national audience by positioning the I-AA title game between the shit bowls and the actual entertaining I-A bowls while also drawing attention to the disparity in how the two subdivisions crown a champion.

By the end of the moratorium (which will never actually end, I foresee—I-A will just find a way to cap off enrollment some other way), it will be as lucrative to be a powerful I-AA team as to be a middling I-A. And with less expense by the institution.

Before you scoff, just remember that the High Priest warned ya before. He warned ya!!

"The top dogs of I-A football will not let dozens of I-AA teams ascend to their level and begin eating off of their table without doing something." I wrote that in 2004, to close out the series about I-A vs. I-AA in the Herald.

Three and friggin' eight (and other bad news that actually mattered)

It is hard for a Georgia Southern alum to think too much about the 2006 football season. The Eagles lost wide receiver Teddy Craft, a great player and a good friend of the High Priest, in a motorcycle accident before the opening game of the season. Then legendary head coach Erk Russell, still the best coach this side of Eddie Robinson to ever stroll the sidelines of a I-AA school, passed away on the eve of the 2006 opener. He, too, was a soul I feel blessed to have gotten to know.

Then the Eagles go 3-8 under a head coach with the personality of potted meat.

Making matters much, much, much worse: Appalachian State ends up winning the national title!! For the second time!! By beating a team with a stud running back—Steve Baylark—who signed with Georgia Southern out of high school and was the heir-apparent to Adrian Peterson. Our Adrian, not that guy with the Vikings.

When I was still on the scene, there was more order to the universe.

So that's my recap of '06. I am now going to my appointment at Lacuna, Inc., to have it erased from my brain.

Summer blockbusters

As always, the High Priest and soon-to-be High Priestess spent a lot of the summer at the movies, where we caught most of the blockbusters. Like preseason polls, most of the summer movie slate was just over-hyped mediocrity. Even the movies I liked had some glaring weaknesses. But what would the Cult of I-AA be without some Cult Babes, right!?! And if there was one thing this summer's movie lineup had, it was a boatload of hotties!!

Here are my summer movie reviews based solely on the "babe factor."

Pirates of the Caribbean 3: Keira Knightly is still one of the hottest babes around. The movie had some good skin, but nothing to pause the DVD player on. Four babe stars.

Transformers: Megan Fox gets my vote for best newcomer, although she has some TV and movie experience. Good sweaty scenes. Also, she changed outfits like 42 times in this movie with no regard to the plot. Decepticons land at Hoover Dam: spaghetti tank top and jeans. Autobots arrive 10 minutes later: lace top with butt-emphasizing khakis. And the geeks were pissed because Bumblebee wasn't a VW Bug. They should get out more. Four babe stars.

300: Lena Headey . Smoking, red hot babe. Gets naked and kills a guy by sticking a Spartan shank in his gut. Not technically a summer movie, but… Four babe stars.

Fantastic Four 2: I'm not saying that Jessica Alba isn't hot. She is. She's also more overrated than NFL linebacker coaches taking over I-AA powerhouses. Okay, maybe not that overrated. I do like it when she goes from invisible to visible and doesn't have any clothes on. Three-and-a-half babe stars.

Spider-Man 3: Kirsten Dunst has lost a step, if you ask me. Or maybe it was just that this movie sucked out loud and lacked the "I'm-obviously-not-wearing-undergarments" factor of Spidey 2. Three babe stars.

Knocked Up: This one requires two ratings. As a babe, Katherine Heigl gets four very, very solid babe stars. But she was pregnant through three-quarters or more of this flick, and while I know she wasn't really preggo, I suspend my disbelief enough that she went from smoking-hot-babe to smoking-hot-pregnant babe. Pregnant women are beautiful, just not the same kind of beautiful as a Spartan Queen wearing a strategically-place dish towel with a tummy you can bounce a quarter off of and get back two dimes and a nickel. Two-and-a-half babe stars.

Harry Potter 5: Emma Thompson's future is either to go the way of costars Daniel Radcliffe and Rupert Grint and try to gain artistic points by doing a movie in which she gets doffs her clothes or she goes the way of Anna Paquin and quietly builds a career with solid parts that don't overextend or overhype her. Or, OR, she ends up appearing on the 3 a.m. Cinemax special in 2029. Babe star rating unavailable due to youthful nature of cast (but you can bet it's a robust two-and-a-half in private).

Shrek 3: She was animated. She was an ogre. She was also
pregnant. Even in real life, she was Cameron Diaz, spokes model for the Real South Beach Diet—cocaine and martinis. Negative one babe stars.

Back to football

In case you're still mulling over my scenario from above that has I-AA growing in popularity just by adding a few scholarships and playing a more well-positioned championship game, consider Boise State. In the Ron Shelton flick Tin Cup, Renee Russo (Dr. Molly Griswold) reflects on the monstrous "12" carded by Kevin Costner's character, Roy McAvoy—a "12" that ended with a remarkable shot that went in the hole to the crowd's screaming delight.

"It was the greatest 12 of all time. No one's going to remember the Open 10 years from now, who won...but they'll remember your 12! My, God, Roy, it was...Well, it's immortal! I am so proud of you!"

Not many people outside of Florida and Ohio will be able to instantly recall the 2006 I-A BCS champion. At least not people who get dates. But almost anyone who paid any attention at all will remember Boise State, a former I-AA champion, beating the mighty Oklahoma Sooners in one of the greatest games ever played. And everyone will remember thinking that the undefeated Broncos deserved at least a shot at the title, even if Florida, Ohio State and LSU were all three far better teams than OU.

So imagine the surge in credibility for I-AA when two teams with only 10 fewer scholarships than their bigger brothers stage a championship game that is the culmination of a four-game playoff and play that game on a night usually reserved for the bowl games just under the BCS bowls. Imagine that the NCAA actually leveraged its incredibly lucrative basketball contract to assure that the I-AA championship was the only game on that night.

Instant credibility—maybe not quite like Boise State, but if a team as equivalently dominant as some of the great teams in I-AA history emerged, wouldn't the credibility of the competition and of the playoff system suddenly shoot through the roof? Wouldn't a game between the I-AA champion and I-A champion to open the next season look less like a sacrificial lamb and more like a compelling ticket if the I-AA powerhouse suddenly had 12 more scholarships?

A great I-AA championship game wouldn't be a "12." It would be immortal.

Um, by the way, it's "FCS" now

No one at the NCAA consulted the High Priest before renaming I-A and I-AA last fall. They just went ahead with a bonehead plan to call I-A the "Football Bowl Subdivision" or FBS and I-AA the "Football Championship Subdivision" or FCS.

This was stupider than Prince changing his name to a symbol.

I pretty much had a nice gut full of bile in a former post on this blog when I wrote: "If people couldn't figure out that I-AA was part of Division I, how in the hell are they supposed to know that the FCS is?!? The former I-A schools don't have to struggle with brand identity. You could call them NASCAR and even casual fans would know that Michigan is one of the big boys."

One of the ideas I heard kicked around before the change in nomenclature was to call I-A schools "BCS" schools and call I-AA "Division I Football." I thought that was a pretty good idea. Then it got all fucked up. It was like feeling good about the idea of overthrowing the Taliban in Afghanistan and waking up five years later hopelessly mired in Iraq with little chance of extricating U.S. forces without a global meltdown.

So forgive me if I don't call it the FCS for a while. Maybe one day. Just not now.

Speaking of politics…

Since we're reforming the NCAA's bowl and playoff structure here at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking, why not look at revamping the political system, too?

With about 96 candidates declared for the Presidential race of '08, the thing that stands out the most in this political season is that there are at least three viable candidates from each party. It is an embarrassment of riches that leads to a simple speculation.

With so many candidates raising so much money and connecting with individualized voting blocks, wouldn't it seem plausible to believe that the two-party system might take a big kick in the groin soon? Imagine the scenario where Hillary and Fred Thompson win their respective party's nominations, but Obama locks up John Edwards or Bill Richardson as a running mate and Rudy Giuliani talks Newt into coming on board and suddenly there's a four-way run. Obama runs as a Centrist Democrat and gets Colin Powell to come on board for foreign policy clout. Rudy runs as a Centrist Republican and tells the religious right to take a flying leap while "no new taxing" his way into the hearts of the real Republicans—Blue Bloods who voted for Clinton secretly in '96 because their wallets told them to.

I bet Ross Perot gets tingly in his Cialis zone just thinking about it.

The point isn't that despite halting my drug use years ago I can still hallucinate a system where politicians can actually run on the issues and possibly win. The point is that in the Information Age we don't have to limit our pool of potential elected officials to two folks based on party affiliation. In 1890, when it took a long time to get the word out about just one guy, having the parties pare things down made sense. But in 2006, it is conceivable to think that as many as six or seven candidates could battle it out by taking a real stand on issues and letting the American people decide what they want their Chief executive to believe in. This would eliminate much of the possibility of electing a religious zealot, a sellout or an intellectual midget.

It would also increase the possibility of electing Hulk Hogan in 2016. So it isn't a foolproof system.

Vote Quimby!

Tired yet?

The High Priest is just shy of 3,000 words, and he hasn't even taken up preseason polls, I-AA conference bragging rights or talked about Jerry Glanville leaving tickets for Elvis in the Great Northwest. If you've hung in there this long, thanks a lot. I'll be back next week with another Cult column. You can expect new entries to go up on this blog Thursday nights or Friday mornings. And we'll always have new Cult Babes. At least until I get married in October and hand my testicles over to be placed in a safe deposit box. After that, we'll see.

It's good to be back in the Cult.

Until next week, don't share the secret handshake.

POP101: The Six Laws of Pop Culture

2007-08-15T22:37:00.001-04:00

Brittany Spears gets out of a low-slung sports car in a short skirt and flashbulbs everywhere capture images of the former Mouseketeer that would make Annette Funnicello collapse with the vapors. The Internet is afire, the tabloids run thousands of extra editions, E! practically rewrites its programming schedule for "Breaking News: Brittany Goes Commando." Theme music is composed.

Somewhere in New Zealand, working from a half-century old work of fiction, Peter Jackson turns the greatest modern work of fantasy into arguably the greatest fantasy motion picture of all time.

An musician in North Carolina composes a series of songs and posts videos of himself playing them on YouTube. In 2009, he'll instantly be the hottest sensation in the country.

Leg warmers return as a fashion statement.

Law & Order films its 500^th episode.

A video game featuring gang warfare is released and sell millions of copies.

Some of the scenarios above are real. Others are imagined, but plausible. Believe it or not, every one of them speaks volumes about the status of society—English-speaking and mostly American society for the purpose of this lesson, but global society as well as our world shrinks. Such statements, of course, are not always flattering.

Pop culture is relevant because it crosses boundaries that regional and ethnic culture seldom conquer. Pop culture is about mass appeal, collective consciousness, guilty pleasures and what zeitgeists say about us and our neighbors.

In the coming weeks, we'll take a close look at pop culture. An honest look. To glean insight into just what makes popular culture so interesting and even important, I've crafted the Six Laws of Pop Culture:

I. The merit of any avatar of popular culture can be measured by examining the correlation between the widespread popularity of the cultural avatar and its longevity. This is the Law of Merit.

II. Any avatar of popular culture ceases to be relevant after its merit has been consumed, either through time or saturation or a combination of both. This is the Law of Consumption.

III. Any avatar pushed into popular culture past its merit will self-destruct, cause destruction or both. This is the Self-Consumption Corollary.

IV. Avatars of popular culture that inspire a lineage retain a portion of the merit generated by their resultant progeny's iconography. This is the Law of Foundation.

V. The Nostalgia Exception
(a) When the merit of certain avatars of popular culture is consumed by saturation alone, that avatar may resurface at a later time under the nostalgia exception.
(b) Avatars that become identified as a signpost of generational identity retain some merit (although the avatar may become ironic or otherwise transmogrified) to those most closely associated with that generational movement.
(c) Should an avatar remain viable despite the passage of time and enough widespread popularity to be considered a part of pop culture consciousness, the nostalgia exception is employed to describe that avatar's enduring merit.

VI. Invariably, some avatar of popular culture will thrive—perhaps event to the point of invoking the Nostalgia Exception—despite being reviled by some as being "lowest common denominator" culture. This is the rationalization of an elitist. Any phenomenon that rises to the level of iconic status—even briefly—must have some modicum of merit. The person who cannot distinguish the relative merit (or at least the rationale behind) the popularity of a "lowbrow" avatar is not fit to pass judgment on the relative merits of popular culture or its icons. These themes constitute The Idiot Paradigm.

Terminology is pretty important in these laws, so let's talk about some of the language in these laws—pop culture is amazingly fixated on labeling things correctly, from "boy bands" to "Generation Xers" to "anime" to "softcore porn." Don't call a GoBot a Transformer or forget that Superman is a DC hero and Wolverine belongs to Marvel Comics.

In these laws, an avatar of pop culture is any aspect of collective sociology that enters the general consciousness of any group of people big enough to reasonably constitute a set of peers. It can be music, fashion, technology, language, film, behavior, literature or board games. Anything that is collectively recognized as an ongoing part of life is an avatar of pop culture.

If an avatar reaches a certain wide audience, it becomes an icon. An avatar is potentially part of pop culture. An icon is certainly a part of pop culture.

In the case of the Laws of Pop Culture, merit doesn't describe an avatar or icon's artistic viability. Instead, it simply describes the ability of that avatar/icon to hold the attention of the collective population.

So that is our short introductory lesson.

Homework: Without any more prompting, give your own explication of the Six Laws of Pop Culture. What do you think they mean? Leave your assignments in the comments section or email me through my blogger profile.

Next week: the origins of the Six Laws of Pop Culture.

The High Priest rides again

2007-08-09T22:07:00.001-04:00

Before I was the Dean of the Institute of Higher Thinking or the Pimpmaster General of a horde of Miller Girls at a beer distributor I was a sports writer. And before I had this blog or my first one, Highly Sophisticated Rednecks, I wrote a weekly column for a website dedicated to Division I's football sub-classification called "The Cult of I-AA."

With football season approaching, I've decided to start writing that column again and posting it right here at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking (which you can almost see at the top left corner of this picture of GSU's Paulson Stadium).

I know a lot less about I-AA football now than I did in 2004, the last time I covered the sport full time. Back then, I voted in the national I-AA poll, voted for the All-Americans, the I-AA equivalent of the Heisman (as well as the top defensive player and coach awards) and I generally kept up with the 110+ schools that make up I-AA. Now, I don't know the landscape quite so well.

For one, Georgia Southern—my alma mater and home team—has had two new coaches since I covered the Eagles. And the subdivision now calls itself the FCS or "Football Championship Subdivision." Excuse me while I continue calling it "I-AA."

Despite all the changes in how plugged in I am to the sport, I'm going to strive to post a weekly "Cult of I-AA" column. It will focus mostly on Georgia Southern and the Southern Conference but it will also have whatever opinions I've formed about the rest of the country's I-AA programs based on what I get from the web.

Just don't expect "The Cult of I-AA" to be just about college football.

When I began writing the column back in the I-AA.org days, I likened the fans of I-AA to a cult; a cult that followed a team and a sport not because it was popular or trendy or easily accessible on 20 different cable channels. Nope, I-AA fans loved their schools, their sport, their playoff system and seemed to revel in their perpetual underdog status (especially when facing schools with athletic budgets 20 times larger than their own, like GSU versus Georgia, left in 2004). That made them special, and made the subdivision special.

So my new "Cult of I-AA" will keep that title, but when football season ends (and during it, even) you might expect to see entries about my beloved Braves of baseball, college basketball, hockey, cricket or anything else I think is interesting and just outside of the mainstream. I hope all the old readers of my column will find their way here. I hope new readers will come. I even hope that this column spark interest in the rest of what I'll be offering at the Institute of Higher Thinking.

It's about to be college football season folks—a season so important I scheduled my wedding to avoid conflict with two Georgia Southern football games, one of them a road
game!!

The new Cult will premier next week, with new columns arriving weekly Thursday nights/Fridays. I hope to hear plenty of feedback from all of you. So until next Friday, don't share the secret handshake.

Fall Semester

2007-08-07T19:51:00.001-04:00

From: Scott Garner, Dean, Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking
To: All five loyal students/IHT readers

Re: Fall Semester

Welcome, students and loyal readers, to the inaugural semester at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking. Hopefully, you have all had productive and restful summers. I know I have. Since Memorial Day, I have:

Visited Elvis's birthplace in Tupelo, Mississippi, with the IHT's own Media Specialist, the lovely Jessica.

Spent numerous hours at my other occupation promoting the consumption of a new Miller product called "Chill." It is grueling work, but someone has to do it.

Begun writing a play about the most famous man in Statesboro, who passed away a little less than a year ago. Twice, this has landed me on television, and the play is only now about to really move forward.

Corresponded with a Baltimore-area attorney about pop culture, American Idol, sports in general and Georgia Southern football in particular.

Seen one of my all-time favorite bands, Cracker, up-close and personal.

And lastly, I have designed a curriculum for the Fall Semester. Everyone, prepare to enroll in POP101, The Six Laws of Pop Culture. Beginning next week (which will parallel the beginning of classes at the other institution of higher learning in Statesboro, Georgia Southern) I will be posting on a semi-regular schedule about the six laws. The rest of the semester's posts should follow a schedule like this one:

Mon/Tues: IHT Playlists
Wed: POP101 Lecture
Thurs: Sports or Entertainment or whatever or nothing

Plus, after a successful debut, "Meet the Faculty" stalled as the second interviewee in the series got very involved with his own pursuit of higher education. We'll hope to touch base with him later. Meanwhile, the Dean is trying to cajole an old high school friend into a "Meet the Faculty" interview. There will also be numerous updates coming up on the Erk Play blog site, and maybe a big announcement in the near future.

Oh, yeah, and the Dean is getting married in 60 days. Nearly forgot that one.

So hang on, my five faithful students. Your education is about to begin.

IHT Playlist, 7/23-8/5

2007-07-29T22:59:00.001-04:00

Spoiler alert: If you are interested in the Harry Potter series and have not finished the seventh and final book, please skip the first four paragraphs below. It talks about how the song lyrics below are applicable to Harry Potter, but has a mild spoiler about the seventh and final book. If I were out just randomly wandering through the blogosphere and I hadn't finished the book yet, I'd want someone to let me know something like this was around the corner. The lyrics themselves aren't a big spoiler (and aren't really about Harry Potter), and the video has nothing to do with the book. Carry on.

I was driving to work Thursday pondering the final installment of Harry Potter, which I had finished the night before when WIHT, the Institute's small radio station, played the Flaming Lips' song "The W.A.N.D." Although ostensibly a seemingly timeless anti-establishment song (one featured in a Dell commercial—sort of a contradiction, really), the lyrics work perfectly with the entire Harry Potter series.

There is the ruthless, out-for-themselves Powers of Darkness, back again for a second attempt to claim all the power in the Wizarding world ("Time after time those fanatical minds/ Try to rule all the world"). There's a hip-sounding rebel standing against the arrayed forces of darkness with his "tricked out magic stick/ That will make them all fall." You can even read the lyrics in the fourth set to be a reflection of how Voldemort seeks only the single Deathly Hallow he believes he needs, but he "don't know what it's for."

Think about Neville, Ginny and how Dumbledore's Army lives on past the great wizard's death and the lines "We're the enforcers/ The sorcerer's orphans/ And we know why we fight" will bring chills to your spine. The full title of the song is "The Will Always Negates Defeat." Isn't that exactly the sentiment that helped Harry and his friends through all of their tribulations?

Listen to this song with Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows in your mind, and you'll begin thinking about a juxtaposition of two separate forces of pop culture unheard of since someone got the idea to play Dark Side of the Moon over The Wizard of Oz.

The W.A.N.D.
By the Flaming Lips

(You've got the power in there)
(Waving your wand in the air)

Time after time those fanatical minds
Try to rule all the world
Telling us all it's them
Who's in charge of it all

I've got a tricked out magic stick
That will make them all fall
We've got the power now
Motherfuckers, it's where it belongs

You've got that right
(You've got the power in there)
You know that it is
(Waving your wand in the air)

They have their weapons
To solve your questions
They don't know what it's for
(They don't know what it's for)
Why can't they see that's not power
That's greed
To just want more and more?

I got a plan and it's here in my hand
And it's all made of rights.
We're the enforcers,
The sorcerer's orphans,
And we know why we fight
(And we know why we fight)

You've got that right
(You've got the power in there)
(Waving your wand in the air)

(You've got the power in there)
(You've got the power in there)
(You've got the power in there)
(Waving your wand in the air)

You've got that right
You know that it is

It's worth noting that the video below does not blare the word "motherfuckers," so it is safe for home viewing if little ears are around. It also scares me that enough of my friends/readers have children that I would even care.

There is a more risqué (and artful) version of the video here.

And now for the rest of the WIHT playlist. Sorry for missing last week.

"Stumbline," by the Smashing Pumpkins from Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness
"Valerie," by the Zutons from Tired of Hanging Around
"The Battle of Evermore," by Led Zeppelin from Led Zeppelin IV (many read this as a conscious reference to The Return of the King, describing the battle of the Pelennor Fields)
"My Good Gal," by Old Crow Medicine Show from Big Iron World
"The Magic Number," by De La Soul from 3 Feet High and Rising
"Shoes," by Atmosphere from Seven's Travels
"Jesus Was a Cross Maker," by Rachel Yamagata from the Soundtrack to Elizabethtown
"Waitress," by Live from Throwing Copper
"Titties and Beer," by Rodney Carrington from Morning Wood (we're not proud at the Institute)
"Talking Shit About a Sunset," by Modest Mouse from This Is A Long Drive For Someone With Nothing To Think About

Recommendation of the Week: Go ahead and listen to the entire Flaming Lips CD At War With the Mystics (more Harry Potter references? Maybe). Good stuff all around.

In a nutshell

2007-07-25T17:24:00.001-04:00

One image encapsulates (1) why there is not a murmur from the Institute of Higher Thinking this week and (2) why Friday is a school holiday.

Potter thoughts soon. Simpsons movie thoughts soon. IHT playlist next week.

IHT Film School: Japanese commentary on Americanization through film

2007-07-18T22:46:00.000-04:00

Most of Godzilla: Final Wars was a tribute to all the not-so-great Godzilla movies of the past. But the filmmakers reserved scorn, not playful tribute, for the American Godzilla flick. They expressed that scorn aptly. Listen carefully to the Xillian's lines at the end of the scene:

Yep, when the Dean misses a day of work, he does something productive.

Zen and the art of motorcycle manners

2007-07-17T20:12:00.001-04:00

Tuesday, the Institute of Higher Thinking's Dean was forced to remain on campus rather than going to his regular job as a beer man after some dental work resulted in extended wooziness and general pain and suffering. After watching Godzilla: Final Wars, he sat down to write this blog entry he promised long ago. It's lengthy, by the way. Get a glass of water or something before you sit down.

For me, the greatest singular joy that comes with riding a motorcycle is getting to do the "wave."

I never knew anything about the wave until I began riding just over a year ago. Before then, motorcycles were familiar subjects in the Family Mythology. My one-legged father had been robbed of everything below his left knee by a motorcycle accident, making motorcycles objects that attained the stature of snakes in family lore. This is to say that no one in the family vilified motorcycles, but rather acknowledged that, left to their own devices both snakes and motorcycles had their places in nature. That didn't mean you should go around trying to pet a snake or get into four-lane traffic on a Harley.

Yet here I was in April of last year astride a 1998 Honda Shadow with a faded paint job and a torn seat. This could have had something to do with dad accidentally picking up a baby rattlesnake once when he mistook it for a harmless grass snake. But I digress. Partly because motorcycles were a new method of conveyance and partly because I had a constant picture of my dad's left stump in my forebrain, whenever I rode at first, I clung to the machine with an almost violent grip. I felt every bump and jostle with a surge of fearful adrenaline. Every ride was an experiment in terror, but with gas well over three bucks a gallon and the Shadow getting 55 miles per, I was convinced that overcoming my fear was not only a very Jedi thing to do, it was financially a dictate from God.

About two days into my life as a motorcycle owner, I passed a fellow biker coming the other direction. He dropped one hand off his handlebar in a casual wave. I thought he was pointing to my tailpipe and assumed noxious and possibly combustible materials must be spewing from my Death Vehicle. I started to look, but swerved, crapped myself a bit, corrected and hustled home at 40 miles per hour—a personal speed record at that point.

Only as my faith in my ability to ride increased (and my faith in other vehicles decreased) did I understand that each passing biker wasn't pointing to a source of flame or a tire near blowout. They were saluting me, greeting me like a brother. "Hey, dude. How are ya? I see that you're in The Club."

The Club was the universal club of motorcycle owners and operators. From rice rockets to cruising hawgs, if you passed a bike coming the opposite direction, you could be about 75 percent sure you'd get some form of individual greeting wave. The guys hanging on for dear life on the Rice Rockets might simply flick a couple of fingers off the handlebar—the equivalent of the roadrunner's familiar "beep beep!" Big rumbling bikes might pass with their drivers casually dropping one hand by their side. I like to hold my hand about 45 degrees down with the old surfer's "hang loose" wave. My future father-in-law rides a Gold Wing, which is like a cruise ship on two wheels, and he sometimes honks and waves like he's in a parade.

As the fear of riding subsided somewhat, the realization dawned about why bikers—white, black, young, old, Harley riders and Yamaha fiends alike—are so determined to recognize one another. We all share a risk. If any of us, no matter the size of the bike or the toughness of the rider, hits one of these Rooms On Wheels (that's how I think of cars and trucks now), the likelihood of getting injured, maimed or killed is pretty astronomical. Forget that by nature motorcycle riders tend to be better, more attentive drivers. My dad lost his leg because someone else wasn't paying attention. This shared risk is also a shared boldness. At some point, anyone who gets on a motorcycle has to say "carpe diem!" It is the commonality that binds all two-wheelers (and our trike brothers and sisters) together.

Which is where the Zen part comes in.

Now, I am no Zen master. I read Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance—which had nothing to do with buying the Shadow, by the way—and understood the basic tenets of meditation. I liked what I knew of the peace-loving, harmony-seeking nature of Zen Buddhism. Then I read Brad Warner's book, Hardcore Zen. Here's a Review in 250 of the book (the link is in case you need to review the rules of a 250 Review):

250 Review: Hardcore Zen

Overview: Punk rock bassist and Japanese rubber-monster-suit movie man Brad Warner writes about Zen Buddhism from the perspective of a highly-enlightened version of Dee Dee Ramone. The book focuses on some of the major tenets in Zen and the process of exploration and enlightenment through zazen meditation.

What worked: Just juxtaposing two seeming opposites like punk rock and Buddhism opens the door to understanding the dualistic nature of Buddhist thought. Warner goes further, demanding that readers question everything—even his point of view on the subject matter. That questioning, he reminds us, leads to a greater truth—just don't expect "enlightenment" just from staring at a wall.

Not so much: Flaws in the first book were mostly cosmetic. Unlike Warner's second effort, Sit Down and Shut Up, this book was published on a much smaller scale. Some editorial mistakes and the type of revision you'd expect from a bigger publisher were missing. In some ways, though, this lent added credibility to the book.

Final Word: Being thrown headlong into an Eastern philosophy/religion by a punk rocker from Ohio who once dressed in rubber monster suits is a pretty engaging experience. Warner has a nice way of coming off both as a gritty icon of pop culture sensibility and a calm, thoughtful Yoda type who never rushes to judgment about his ideas or the ones of his religion. Because he presents so many symbiotic ideas that are seemingly at odds with one another, his ability to play both roles makes the book credible, fun and entirely worth reading.

Word Count: 249

There are two concepts introduced in Hardcore Zen that apply to The Club (and by extension to the "wave").

The first is that a person and the universe are one. I am the universe and the universe is me. On a grander scale, this philosophy (or truth, if that's where you are in your beliefs) enforces the concept that individuality is just a state of mind that excludes the greater world. Just because you can't see a tree blowing in the wind in Tokyo doesn't mean that tree is any less a part of existence than you or I. And just because a biker is wrapped up in his or her thoughts while tooling along a narrow two-lane doesn't mean he or she won't still get splattered by a log truck. The reality of the truck exists whether it is acknowledged or not—a motorcycle rider practicing good zazen while on his or her machine knows of the dangers of everything from bad roads to bad whether to bad dogs to bad drivers. In a microcosm, that is the building blocks of the larger Zen philosophy.

Secondly, Zen stresses that the only real moment is the moment we are in. The past cannot be changed, and the future is always one step ahead. Remember where I said motorcycle riding was, in large part, an exercise in "seizing the day?" A better choice of words would have been to say it is about seizing the moment. Both Zen and motorcycle riding both understand the place of the past and future rather than discount it. If you forget that there's a mammoth pothole on your way to work, you are likely to hit it again and again. And if you don't pay attention and see that there are brake lights going off three miles up the road, you might find yourself plowing into the back of a conversion van before you can stop because you failed to back off the gas early enough. The past and future are only good to a person when they use them in the present—that's the point a Buddhist will make.

So the next time you see a guy on a Harley with handlebar moustaches and a spiked leather jacket, just remember: that might be as close to a guy in orange robes sitting lotus-style in a monastery you'll see that day. So try not to run over him.

And if you're also on a bike, remember to wave.

Honey, why is the TiVo throwing up?

2007-07-16T22:26:00.000-04:00

From the "face for radio, voice for print" dept:

The Dean was on teevee Monday. Something to do with this.

The IHT playlist, 7/16-7/22

2007-07-15T23:06:00.001-04:00

Ten songs you would hear if you could receive WIHT, a low, low wattage station broadcasting from scenic Lanier Drive in Statesboro, Georgia. We'll be trying to bring you a regular listing of songs we're enjoying in heavy rotation each week. Our challenge is to have everyone look into at least one new song and provide some feedback. Suggestions are also welcome.

"I Don't Care What You Call Me," by David Ford from I Sincerely Apologize For All the Trouble I've Caused
"Brain Washers," by Blackalicious featuring Ben Harper from Blazing Arrow
"Scent of a Mule," by Phish from Hoist
"Bad Luck Blue Eyes Goodbye," by the Black Crowes from Southern Harmony and Musical Companion
"Windfall," by Son Volt from Trace
"Wolves at Night," by Manchester Orchestra (above) from Like A Virgin Losing A Child
"I Think I Love You," by Guggenheim Grotto from Waltzing Alone
"Talk On Indolence," by the Avett Brothers from Four Thieves Gone
"Callin' Out" by Lyrics Born from Later That Night
"The Stranger's Lament" by King Straggler from King Straggler

New albums and tracks at the Institute:
Cracker, Greenland
Polyphonic Spree, selections from The Beginning Stages of the Polyphonic Spree
The Decembrists, Castaways and Cutouts

Recommendation of the week:
Paulo Nutini, These Streets (four-star recommendation suggested by Paste and Joe)

What we're gonna get once the funding comes through:
Mandy Moore, Wild Hope—because we've heard good things from unlikely sources (plus, Mandy (right, and hubba!) lived in my parents' neighborhood for a while)
Spoon, Ga Ga Ga Ga Ga—because we're just plain curious
Maroon 5, It Won't Be Soon Before Long—because we like M5 (even if they are overexposed)

PS: we decided to keep the Cracker entry as is following a report by Quality Control advising that the entry was "acceptable quality."

The Last Rock Band on the Planet

2007-07-12T09:20:00.001-04:00

(Note: When you get done with this entry, flip over and read A wonderful bit by Andy Whitman of Paste Magazine about the death of local radio.)

When you've been playing music together for two decades, it would be easy to get bored with the same 15-20 songs, right? Not when you are Cracker.

In an intimate setting with about 750 people in attendance, the four-man rock band made famous by the mainstream hit "Low" in the early-mid 1990's put on a show that featured the best of their newest music and many, many of the tunes longtime fans like those from the Institute of Higher Thinking have made part of their personal soundtrack. Some veteran rock bands really fuck up by choosing to move away from their signature songs. Not Cracker. They obliged the crowd with the expected trio of best-known hits: "Euro-trash Girl" early in the show, "Teen Angst (What the World Needs Now)" near the middle and the aforementioned "Low" towards the two-hour set's backside.

Around that, they played some stellar newer tunes from Greenland, the most recently released Cracker CD. Then, the band went to the fan-favorites. "Lonesome Johnny Blues" showcased not only guitarist Johnny Hickman's formidable playing chops but his vocals as well. "Sweet Thistle Pie" and "Movie Star" thundered out of the amplifiers and had the crowd about two notches below "Roman orgy." And as a huge surprise, the beautifully subdued "Another Song About the Rain" rolled out. For those of us that bought Cracker, the debut CD by the band, when it rolled out in 1992, hearing this one live was transcendent.

Enough fanboy gushing. Here are more pictures (guitarist Johnny Hickman with the IHT Dean and his brother above, by the way).

David Lowery. I think this was during "I See the Light."

Johnny Hickman tears it up on "Euro-trash Girl."

Sal Maia on bass. He bore an uncanny resemblance to Alan Rickman, actually, so it was like getting to see Serevus Snape playing bass. Too odd.

What the world needs now is more concerts where I end up with a spot next to the stage.

IHT Radio Playlist: Cracker Road Trip

2007-07-11T16:11:00.001-04:00

The IHT field trip to Savannah for tonight's Cracker show launches in just a few short hours. For those of you that may not be well acquainted with the band, the IHT staff has put together a 12-song primer (plus bonus tracks, a Cracker staple since Kerosene Hat) of some of the band's best (but not necessarily most popular) work. All these songs come from the first four albums, but good stuff is also on Forever and Greenland – the Institute's panel just didn't have as deep a relationship with those songs as with the ones below. Over time, perhaps some of those tracks will infiltrate this top twelve (er, 15).

The tracks are ordered only to make a very good listening experience if you should feel like downloading the tracks and creating a CD. Song title is first, followed by the album on which it appeared.

1 – St. Cajetan , Cracker
2 – Seven Days, Gentlemen's Blues
3 – Teen Angst (What the World Needs Now), Cracker
4 – Sweet Thistle Pie, The Golden Age
5 – Lonesome Johnny Blues, Kerosene Hat
6 – Mr. Wrong, Cracker
7 – How Can I Live Without You, The Golden Age
8 – I See the Light, Cracker
9 – I Want Everything, Kerosene Hat
10 – Been Around the World, Gentlemen's Blues
11 – Another Song About the Rain, Cracker
12 – Take Me To the Infirmary, Kerosene Hat

Bonus Tracks

69 – Eurotrash Girl, Kerosene Hat
88 – My Cinderella (untitled track), Gentlemen's Blues
99 – Loser, Kerosene Hat

Download. Enjoy.

250 Review: Transformers

2007-07-07T19:19:00.000-04:00

Reviews in 250 adhere to the following format: 50 words are allotted for an overview, a quick discussion of the good points and a similar short dissertation on the bad. A 100-word finial analysis wraps up the review.

Today, Institute of Higher Thinking Dean Scott Garner reviews the summer blockbuster Transformers.

Overview: Transformers is the first live-action adaptation of the popular 1980's toy line and animated television show. It reworks the Cybertronian back-story and quickly injects the audience into an action-packed world of transforming Autobots and Decepticons. Michael Bay (Pearl Harbor) directs in his typical frenetic fashion.

What worked: the original voice of Optimus Prime (Peter Cullen) is the best production decision made in the entire movie. Paying homage to some classic Transformers dialogue ("Autobots, roll out" and "One shall stand, one shall fall" stand out) and other nods to the original series were also appreciated.

Not so much: Too little of Megatron and Starscream, a bad-guy comedy team for the ages. Too much product placement. Not enough adherence to the original cast of Autobots and Decepticons and certainly too many human characters. A live-action remake of the animated Transformers movie would have been far better.

Final word: Hardcore Transformer fans will be disappointed by the seemingly obstinate refusal to create a more true-to-the-original movie based on the toys/cartoons. But for 30-somethings hoping to recapture two hours of their youth, the film is surprisingly fulfilling. Since I fall somewhere in between, I enjoyed parts of the movie immensely while feeling cheated by others. Mostly, though, I had a good time. Had the robot designs been better and the movie whored out less to corporate America, I would rate it as an overall success. As is it was a fun, not transcendent, movie experience.

Word Count: 234

How I’m Spending My Summer Vacation

2007-07-07T12:09:00.001-04:00

Summer break is entering its final six weeks at the Institute of Higher Thinking, meaning that in mid-August, I'll be moving to a regular posting schedule, which has yet to be determined. I expect 2-3 post a week will be normal, with some guest writers coming in to add a little flavor. In the meantime, here is some other news from the Institute:

Reviews in 250: A new feature that will begin this weekend with a review of Transformers is "Reviews in 250." In just 250 words, the Institute will review movies, books, television and music. Forget the crap, with just 250 words to work with, these reviews cut to the bone.

Erk site: Newly added to the sidebar is a second blog detailing Dean Garner's work on the untitled play about Erk Russell, the legendary football coach best known for his time at Georgia Southern and the University of Georgia. Updates on the production of the play, as well as announcements and fun stuff will be regularly added to this site. A new post should be coming in this weekend. The Erk blog will take the place of the proposed sports blog IHT was considering. Short sports commentaries will still appear on IHT.

Thanks! To SouthernFACTS for linking to IHT in their blogroll. I'll be adding the SF guys to a new sidebar item soon. And to Larry Doyle, the author of I Love You, Beth Cooper, who also linked to my very favorable reaction to the best summer book I've read this year (it finished just ahead of Hardcore Zen).

The Institute's field trip to see the band Cracker is Wednesday. Expect a 250 Review of the show.

July's "Meet the Faculty" segment is being put together right now as the Dean begins a conversation about music, literature and esthetics with the soon-to-be-Dr. Wisner, a PhD student in English at the University of Tennessee (with his Masters from Georgia Southern, of course). Go Eagles and Vols! Look for it in a couple of weeks.

Cracker soul in one week

2007-07-04T00:32:00.000-04:00

Another IHT field trip, this time to Savannah for Cracker. More on this later.

Erk

2007-07-01T23:18:00.001-04:00

You don't have to be a sports fan to enjoy the story of Erk Russell.

Russell, the last four-sport letterman at Auburn University (football, basketball, baseball and tennis), rose through the ranks of the football coaching community until he found himself the defensive coordinator of the Georgia Bulldogs. Bald and menacing-looking, Russell sometimes butted heads with his defensive players until blood flowed freely from his scarred pate. This prompted the great southern columnist and humorist Lewis Grizzard to once ask, "Who is that maniac?"* Erk had a southern-fried charm, a mind for football and enough charisma to convince players to run through brick walls. When Georgia won the 1980 national championship, fans in Athens credited three forces: Herschel Walker, Vince Dooley and Erk – and not necessarily in that order (although Herschel was usually first).

Just after the triumph in the Sugar Bowl in January of 1981, Russell decided to build a football program in Statesboro. Georgia Southern College had asked him to head up a brand new football team, the first at the college since World War II. Erk agreed. Most people thought he was insane.

In 1984, the team played its first schedule as a Division I football school and narrowly missed the I-AA playoffs. I-AA was the designation for smaller football-playing Division I schools, and its playoff format continues to prove that the BSC formula of having just two teams play one game for the I-A national championship is a joke. But I digress.

In 1985, just four years after starting the Georgia Southern program from such humble beginnings that someone had to buy a football at K-Mart for the press conference, Erk's Eagles beat four teams in four weeks for the I-AA national title (the winning touchdown pass is below). The Eagles did it again in 1986. In 1988, the Eagles lost in the title game, but came back in 1989 and became the first college football team to ever complete a 15-0 season, capped by their third national championship.

Russell retired on top after the '89 season. Georgia Southern would go on to win more titles in 1990, 1999 and 2000, making them the Notre Dame of mid-major college football. Russell passed away one day before Georgia Southern's 2006 season opener.

I got a chance to know Erk and learn all the wonderful stories associated with his nearly-mythical figure: how he turned a drainage ditch into the most enchanted body of water this side of the Fountain of Youth; how he had just one rule – "Do Right" – an adage that would have made Christ, Buddah or whomever you worship smile; how everyone Erk touched was changed by the experience – including me.

Now I am proud to be writing a play based on his life for the Averitt Center for the Arts in Statesboro. The grant-funded project will be hitting the stage in time to coincide with the 2008 football season, 20 years after Erk's penultimate season stalking the sidelines at Georgia Southern. It is a project I share with a group of people that will grow by leaps and bounds in the next few weeks.

In the meantime, I thought I would simply share my enthusiasm for the project in a public forum now that we're not being so secretive about its existence. To get to write about a man who helped a college grow from 6,000 to 16,000 and a community grow similarly is a huge burden and an exponentially bigger thrill. I'll be posting more about this at The Institute for Higher Thinking as the project progresses. Thanks to everyone who was in on the fact that I was working on this project before it became public knowledge and gave me so much support and love. You have no idea just how that carried me through a lot of long nights.

There are a lot more of those to come, but I couldn't be more excited.

*From Grizzard's forward to Russell's autobiography.

The Surf Shop At the End of the Universe

2007-06-30T16:52:00.000-04:00

Per request in a past episode, the Institute is posting research materials for HBO's new drama, "John From Cincinnati." Interesting threads that seem to run through many of these pieces include a connection to 9/11, constant references to the cancellation of an IHT favorite, "Deadwood," also by Milch and the possibility that the title character is a space alien. Joe from Baltimore, however, cleverly picked up on the possible Judeo-Christian thematics associated with John from Cincinnati ("JC").

From the New York Times, a piece written before the show aired about producer/writer/genius/nutball David Milch. Free registration is required.

The LA Times talks more about expectations than actual plot, although we learn that John's last name is Monat, a nugget yet to be revealed in the show itself (the fact that John claimed to be from Cinci didn't show up until episode two).

In the interests of providing a voice to the opposing opinions, the New Yorker's Nancy Franklin wasn't really impressed with JC. It is possible that she's just one of the people pissed off that HBO dropped "Deadwood" because of JC.

Look at these competing opinions about John from the West Coast and East Coast and you get the sense that perhaps the surf-culture aware denizens of the left Coast might just innately "get it" more than their staid East Coast brethren.

For what it's worth, the staff at the Institute is waiting to pass full judgment on the series. We tend to view the show experientially, just as we did "Deadwood." But after the first three episodes, "John From Cincinnati" has become "event television" on Lanier Drive.

Notes from the 'other' job

2007-06-27T20:58:00.000-04:00

Sometimes, I look forward to nothing more than coming home to the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking and setting down a few thoughts to post on the Internet for my six faithful readers. But sometimes my other job is a real treat. Especially when I get to see the guys from Sweetwater Brewing Company in Atlanta.

Take two guys straight out of a Phish concert, teach them to make and market superb beer, add copious amounts of double entendre and you have the essence of Sweetwater. Don't believe me? Check out the Sweetwater 420 commercial:

If you liked that, check out the guys' web site. If you like beer, try Sweetwater 420, Blue, Hummer or Happy Ending. After all, nothing's better than coming home from work, getting a Hummer and a Happy Ending and going to bed.

Poetry reading & reflection: Randall Jarrell

2007-06-27T00:20:00.001-04:00

The Death of the Ball Turret Gunner

From my mother's sleep I fell into the State,
And I hunched in its belly until my wet fur froze.
Six miles from earth, loosed from its dream of life,
I woke to black flak and the nightmare fighters.
When I died they washed me out of the turret with a hose.

--------------------

I am reminded of three things by this poem.

(1) I got to meet novelist William Deihl on several occasions before he died in September. Although not a writer that would be considered a literary figure, Diehl was an excellent storyteller and his books were page turners. Primal Fear turned out to be the starting point for Edward Norton's solid acting career. Bill took time each opportunity I saw him to talk with me about my writing career. On the occasions I saw him I was between 20 and 23, and he always encouraged me to keep writing, keep reading and stay patient. He didn't publish Sharky's Machine—his first novel and later a Burt Reynolds movie—until he was in his 50s.

The most remarkable thing about Diehl may have been that he survived 27 missions as a ball turret gunner. Those brave souls who manned that position in World War II bombers were almost always on suicide missions. By all accounts, the vulnerable nature of this position made ball turret gunners among the most killed and injured fliers of that conflict. I got to talk with Bill about this poem, lending amazing insight to the power of that last line.

(2) On a less somber note: the poem also reminds me of an episode of the great old TV show "Amazing Stories." In season one (which I have on DVD and may review later if the Nerduary doesn't (or hasn't) beat me to the punch), Kevin Costner plays a ball turret gunner with an artistic bent. This was really good television, and someone should look into resurrecting the series, especially with the success of Sci-Fi inspired shows like "Lost," "Heroes" and a new Institute favorite "John From Cincinnati."

(3) Brevity is the soul of wit. Short poem with a one-line kicker. Too good.

The Dean's college roomate

2007-06-25T23:37:00.000-04:00

Yep. This guy survived a full year of living with the Institute of Higher Thinking's dean. The wife and kids are professional actresses.

IHT field trip: Middleground reunion

2007-06-24T16:16:00.001-04:00

Funny thing about reunions: they bring people together.

When Institute of Higher Thinking music professor emeritus Michael Avant returned to Statesboro for a high school reunion, it prompted an impromptu reunion of the band Middleground. That, in turn, prompted all of the Old Gang to gather just walking distance up Lanier Drive from the Institute at our favorite local watering hole, Dos Primos. The "Two Kids" lauds itself as "the best damn bar in the whole world," which may be just a tad of an overstatement, but for one night there's no place the faculty of IHT would have rather been.

Above: Music professor emeritus Michael Avant wails.

A large time was had by all. Except for when one unnamed IHT Dean was manhandled off the deck by an irritable bouncer—apparently the ball-shrinking side effects of his steroids made him a little testy (no pun intended). Patrick Swayze would have been appalled at the breach in bouncer etiquette.

Quoth: "Be nice. Be nice until it's time to not be nice."

Anyways—there is a big announcement coming very soon on IHT. Pay attention. Until then, enjoy the semester break and don't forget about your summer reading.

Bob Davis's pheromones, unconstrained by clothing, work their magic on the unsuspecting women of Dos Primos. Bravo, friend. Bravo.

The summer blockbusters just keep coming

2007-06-23T19:45:00.001-04:00

It's the summer break here at the Institute of Higher Thinking, and we're starting to miss new episodes of "The Office." Since the summer movie season has yielded mostly duds and middling pieces of entertainment so far, most of the faculty is waiting with baited breath for the release of 300 on DVD. Reportedly, the blood-soaked Spartan war drama won't be on shelves until August 1.

Luckily, there is this:

Meet the Faculty: The long overdue part two

2007-06-17T23:51:00.001-04:00

This is the second piece in our “Meet the Faculty” conversation with Joseph Lawrence that began here. So far we’ve covered a large chunk of pop culture (particularly music) and even rapped a bit about Dr. Hunter S. “Uncle Duke” Thompson, may he rest in peace.

Obviously, this piece was supposed to be days ago. For reasons I hope to soon reveal on this blog, I’ve been a very, very busy man and haven’t had a chance to properly format my and Joe’s back-and-forth emails for blog publication. For that, I am sorry. But better late than never, right?

SG: Okay, so we finally arrive at sports. Not surprisingly, many of the same themes that come up when you talk about music, movies and TV apply again when discussing sports—particularly at the college and pro level. Namely, there are so many outlets for information that it seems overkill is likely to be the biggest hurdle any sport has to overcome. The NFL has avoided overkill through parity—a new team or storyline emerges every season, it seems.

What concerns me, though, is how much sport seems to have increased in popularity, but diminished in passion. From the players to the fans, it gets harder and harder to find dyed-in-the-wool sports fans. Growing up, I was a Hawks/Braves/Falcons/Georgia Tech fan. Never mind that they sucked. I still loved them. When the Hawks briefly flirted with greatness in the mid-80’s, it was my first experience of being a fan of a really good team.

Of course, if there was ever a bad time to have your franchise’s best teams ever, 1985-1990 was it. Between the Lakers, Celtics and Pistons, you had three incredible franchises. Plus, I would argue that the league was better top-to-bottom from 1980-1993 than at any other time in history.

Still, I remember there being a palpable excitement about basketball in Atlanta in that time, just like the excitement about baseball in that city from 91 to 93. After the baseball strike, everything seemed to change for every sport. Even the World Series title for Atlanta in 1995 didn’t excite me and my friends quite as much as the 91 and 92 teams did. I think we permanently turned a corner with that strike—throughout sports.

JPL: Obviously, with the skyrocketing salaries and crazy fame that comes along with being a pro athlete now, it's a lot easier for one to be cynical about sports then it was say, when our father's were growing up. That we know.

However, I think part of your perception, that the passion is out of sports, has to do with the fact that you are simply getting older. You and I are about the same age, and I'm going through the same thing really. Every sports fan has to go through this. It's called, for lack of a better term, "growing up." The passion is still out there, it's just that as adults, we can't access it anymore.

Using me as an example, I was born in 1970, and we moved to Maryland when I was like four. I grew up watching the Orioles in their golden years. I used to worship guys like Eddie Murray, Jim Palmer, Rick Dempsey, Al Bumbry, and of course, Cal Ripken. I watched every game I could, and listened to the others on the radio. I even kept score for many games. I was obsessed—in a good way.

When I played little league ball in 1982 for the Moose Lodge 654, I carried a Ripken rookie card in my back pocket for every game. He won the Rookie of the Year that year. I unfortunately also realized that I couldn't hit the curveball that year. Alas.

Looking back on it now, I realize that carrying around that baseball card as a good luck charm was corny as hell, but it was very real to me at the time.

My point is that, that sort of worship doesn't exist for you and me anymore. If it did, there would be something wrong with us quite frankly. At the heart of all of these sports, they are just kids’ games. The passion that you are talking about is a child's passion. That's why you don't see it or feel it anymore. That's also why you miss it so much.

When Cal retired a few years ago, I was in my early 30's. It sounds strange, but to me it really felt like him retiring was the definitive "end of my childhood.” It was a weird feeling. Here I am, a 30-year old grown man at the time, but I had never really considered myself to be a "grown up.” I'm not saying that there was any deep significance in that moment other than the fact that it allowed me, for second, to clearly recognize the inevitable passage of time in the context of my own life.

I'm never again going to out and out worship another player like I did with Ripken or Murray. I mean, it's kind of hard to idolize guys who are 15 years younger that you. In fact, it's downright impossible. Those days of really feeling it are gone. Those feelings and that passion is for some other kid out there who is right now repetitively smacking a baseball into the worn leather of his freshly oiled glove, surrounded by a bunch of Brian Roberts’s (or whoever’s) memorabilia in his room and dreaming about playing in the Bigs.

I think that the good news is this, though. There is a still a place out there where us adults can still feel an almost childlike passion for sports; something that we can "feel a part of." That is a passion for your college alma mater. Rooting for your alma mater is different than rooting for a pro franchise, because one is legitimately "a part" of the alma mater. So I think that “us old guys” can still look forward to a lifetime of feeling at least some level of that childhood passion, when we get behind GSU, or wherever you went to school.

SG: I’ll buy that aging does simmer some of the passion, but big money has definitely changed sports since you and I were kids. Even college sports suffers from an amazing disparity between the Haves and Have Nots – that’s one of those recurring themes when people argue about the relative merits of moving a small college football program like Georgia Southern into the same arena with bigger schools they’ll never have any chance of competing with because of the financial advantages a school like Michigan has compared to GSU.

One reason I think that college sports in particular remain popular (at least at the Division I level) is that sports has become a part of pop culture, and D1 schools certainly fall into that level of pop culture. This means that a real college football fan (i.e. a fan that went to the college in question or has had immediate family go to that college) has an additional level of connection to that aspect of pop culture.

I was never in the Ramones (or there’s a 75 percent chance I’d be dead), but I did go to school with Adrian Peterson. So when I see AP making a tackle in the Super Bowl on special teams, the connection is a lot more personal, even though I saw the Ramones live three times and it’s a hell of a lot easier to play the three chords in “Beat On the Brat” than to run through 275-pound defensive tackles. (Of course, I was also a sports writer covering Peterson’s career, so my attachment goes a little deeper, but you get the analogy).

One reason I think the NFL has continually built more and more fan loyalty where the NBA and baseball have dropped off is that the NFL has a salary cap and parity. Every time I see a sports writer talk about parity as a “diluted product” I want to mail that guy (or gal) a crap sandwich, especially when those same writers whine about prima donnas making too much money for the integrity of [insert NBA, baseball or, for a more international flair, futbol]. Pick a position, McCain. A salary cap and a limit on the number of franchises in a professional sports league are the two ways to assure that the product on the field continues to be compelling for the ages.

Again, the cap creates a loyal and passionate fan base because being a poseur bandwagon fan can’t be camouflaged in a balanced league. In 1978, you could be a Steelers fan for like 10 years and say you’d been one all along – no one knew if you were for real or you just liked a winner. Outside of New England, there’s no franchise dominating the NFL, so if you’ve were wearing a Rams hat in 2001 and then suddenly you’re sporting the Baltimore Ravens on your dome and then Tampa Bay gear after that, it is fairly likely you just like to be associated with a winner (which says a lot about your psychology, by the way).

Conversely, a league with parity fosters passion because a whole city now has a collective interest rooted in mainstream pop culture. When the Falcons went to the Super Bowl, people who would have been trading punches on a normal afternoon in Hahira, Georgia, were waving and smiling because both of them had a Falcons’ hat on.

It’s worth noting that my first major league baseball game was in 1983 at Memorial Stadium. The Orioles whipped the Yankees. Eddie Murray hit a slam. I didn’t really know where to mention this.

JPL: Ah, 1983.

A good year; the last time the Orioles won the World Series. Has it been that long? Jeez. Old Memorial Stadium was a grand old gal. I have two Memorial Stadium seats from the auction they held before they demolished her. They are "totally awesome," as Jeff Spicoli might say.

Regarding your take on the lack of fan passion, I really don't have a problem with the amount of money professional athletes make. Look at the amounts of money they generate, and it becomes pretty easy to justify those salaries. People who complain about that get on my nerves.

I do agree with you that salary caps work to produce parity, and that MLB needs one in a bad way. Take it from a fan of one of the "other" AL East teams. It's tough for my O's to compete when we have to play the two highest-salaried teams 18-21 times a year, each. My Birds might not be the best example though, as they have more issues than Cybil.

I think it's obvious that the reason why some sports have salary caps, while others do not, is directly related to how powerful the players' union is for that respective sport. I mean, comparing the MLBPA and the NFL players’ union is like comparing Al Qaeda to the kids who put the cherry bomb in your mailbox last Halloween. The NFL union has no balls, and very little power.

For example, I continue to be amazed, given the fact that injuries are far more likely to happen in football than in any other pro sport, that the NFL does not guarantee player contracts. The MLBPA, on the other hand, has a veritable Cobra Clutch (for all you Sgt. Slaughter fans out there) on MLB.

Marvin Miller was a great lawyer, and he built an incredibly strong union for baseball players. However, I think that the strength of that union, while it has served its members well, is actually hurting its players and the league now, whether they know it or not. The MLBPA is so strong that I really don't see a salary cap in baseball coming anytime soon. I hope I'm wrong though. A new commissioner could change everything. Until then, we'll continue to have a rich/poor/broke scenario in MLB. Haves and have-nots.

As far as college sports, specifically GSU, I don't think that the anti-FBS contingent can use the haves v. have-nots argument as justification to stay put, and get away with it.

By very definition, a move UP assumes that we are coming from a lesser place. That place, FCS, is a place of the have-nots. The whole point in moving up is to change that circumstance. So it's sort of silly for these people to point out that we won't be able to compete with the Michigans and USCs of the world right out of the gate. We're going to be have-nots, as compared to Michigan, for quite some time, but at least moving up a level gets us going toward that direction again.

That argument also ignores that there is a clear and established path and process in transitioning from FCS to FBS. Transition being the key word there.

It is such a red herring when people say that GSU needs to raise UGA-level money before we think about moving. That argument is so disingenuous. Why?

Because it assumes, quite incorrectly, that GSU could raise such a level of money without the administration making a FBS plan public.

The raising of the necessary money, and the leadership of the administration on the issue, go hand in hand. They are not mutually exclusive, as much as Sam Baker would like to insist that they are.

In your writing on the football issue, I sort of sense that you think Sam has done a good job as AD. I'd be interested to hear your justification, if that is correct.

As you know, I am of the opinion that Baker's policies of the last 5-7 years have done serious harm to our entire athletic program. We are now, starting to see the consequences of his actions—or inactions if you prefer. As I said to someone earlier today, you can't blame BVG for the basketball or baseball APR mess.

SG: Wow, a lot of good stuff there. I really shouldn’t let it slip that we were supposed to have a 250-word limit per response, but I think the conversation has been worth it. I like that you pointed out the role of the players’ unions in this parity debate. I like the NFL and love non-guaranteed contracts, because players can’t mail it in, even after signing a big deal. That said, I think there needs to be a full NFL pension for any player who plays one full season (currently it takes three years of service to qualify), a partial NFL pension for any player who makes an NFL preseason roster and lifelong 100 percent healthcare as a provision of the full pension. The NFL must make the pension adjust for inflation and valuate it starting along the lines of an upper-middle class income ($70,000/yr) with ascending value based on seasons of service. Add those provisions and I think you’ve struck a perfect balance between management and the union.

I think you covered baseball’s union pretty well. The NBA actually has the best management/union dynamic, but the league just has too many damn teams and the referees are killing the game.

I don’t think solutions are nearly so easy at the college level, and particularly not at a school like Georgia Southern. I’ll just answer your points and then let you take the lead on that issue…

[CASUAL READER ALERT: If you don’t care about I-AA college football or Georgia Southern, please stop reading now. We’ll let you know when we get back to the sort of stuff normal people talk about.]

First, I-AA was never meant to be compared as an up-or-down with I-A. The original purpose of I-AA was to create a financially-viable way for smaller Division I schools to play football without getting slaughtered by the “football gods” like Notre Dame, Penn State, Georgia, et al. Moving from I-AA to I-A basically became a financial consideration under the “idyllic” underlying philosophy of the NCAA. Of course, the Napoleon Syndrome had every I-AA school to ever make the playoffs bring up the idea of making the jump and competing with the big boys. Once the funding to make the move was available, the jump was made—woe be unto Louisiana-Lafayette and its brethren. Those schools considered the cost only to make the move, not to maintain it.

As you know, I have recently taken a new position that Georgia Southern should also look into moving up. I have clear caveats, though. Since the move to I-A would cost about $2.5 million additional dollars above current athletic budgets (a number I got three years ago, it may be somewhat more), the school should bank at least $7.5 million during a three-year transition (one final I-AA season and the two NCAA mandated transition years). This is less than one year of UGA’s athletic budget, which reinforces your point about not needing Bulldog-level money. If you can’t bankroll the first three seasons of I-A during a three-year campaign to elevate the program, then don’t be afraid to hit the brakes, either. If the corporate and private donations come as they should when/if GSU announces a move up, the 7.5 big, big ones should be in place before the last true I-AA game ends.

Second, moving up is mostly about being in position when the BCS makes its next move. I don’t think Georgia Southern will ever compete on even a semi-regular basis with the Michigans and USCs of the world. It just won’t happen. Even Boise State was a perfect storm of a senior-laden team peaking after over two decades in I-A. Even then, the Broncos needed three unforgettable plays and overtime to beat a good-but-not-great Oklahoma team. So why move up?

Because there are already three tiers of D-I football—I-A haves, I-A have-nots, and I-AA.

When (not if) the BCS eventually makes a power play to either (a) seal off I-A from any more teams moving up and siphoning off their revenue or (b) kicking out the lower-tier teams altogether or (c) breaking off completely from the NCAA and negotiating their own TV contract for the full season, then the best place for schools like Georgia Southern, App State, UMass, Delaware, Youngstown State, Montana and other legitimate football schools currently at I-AA to be is with the lower-tier I-As. That block of schools will have the real power to (a) form a better, 85-scholarship championship football league (b) legally cock-block the BCS, possibly forcing a playoff at the sport’s highest level or (c) live off the settlement money the NCAA will pay those schools to not be a pain in the ass.

As for Sam, you misread me. Baker is a micromanager. He’s a pain in the balls to many sportswriters and has somewhat less than a holistic view of what college competition is all about. He’s too temperamental for his position, too concerned about being right and not at all in tune with how to disseminate the athletic department’s vision.

I think Sam is a good builder of infrastructure, even if he’s just an opportunistic one. The baseball stadium, Paulson improvements, track facility and top, top, top notch golf facility are all great strides for the athletic department. The lack of academic progress by student-athletes, though, is inexcusable—not when Georgia Southern’s president has made academic distinction the two words most commonly associated with his administration.

How much Sam’s hands are tied by the administration vis-à-vis FBS is an unknown. But Baker likes to control the flow of information and will come more unglued than Tony Soprano after Meadow was threatened if any media outlet probes too deeply into the inner workings of the I-AA/I-A dynamic within GSU.

Will GSU make a move to I-A with Baker at the helm? When Brian Van Gorder was hired, I thought the wheels might be turning in that direction. Now, I think not.

Has Sam got enough (or powerful enough) enemies to be removed as AD at Georgia Southern? No. And honestly, if the Eagles start winning again under new football coach Chris Hatcher, I think he’ll look pretty rosy again a la the Paul Johnson era—at least until the BCS/Division I-A crisis reaches a head. Then he’ll look like a tool.

JPL: Those sound like good ideas to apply to the NFL, but the problem is that Gene Upshaw is really a horrible union leader, and a worse negotiator. I mean, the NFL is really the one pro sport where catastrophic and lifetime injuries occur at a relatively regular rate, whether that is a series of concussions, brain damage, knee or hip issues, paralysis, etc.

It's crazy that the NFL players of the past, many old Baltimore Colts, have to scrape and scrounge to survive and pay medical expenses for injuries that occurred during their playing years. Johnny Unitas was an example of that. At the end of his life, the man had so much ligament damage in his hand and wrist, from literally hundreds of cortisone shots he took while he was playing, that he couldn't even sign an autograph with that hand before he died. It's a travesty that a league so rich should treat its founders like that.

Mostly, I blame Upshaw though, because he allows it to go on.

But back to the FCS/FBS thing:

Look, I have no real desire to rehash what I have written over and over again for part of 9 years over at Southern Connection. Pretty much anyone who cares knows what my opinion is. I'll say this though (Mostly because I just can't help myself when it comes to talking about this issue):

Whether the I-A/I-AA system was meant to be hierarchical or not is not really the issue. The fact is, I-AA was always perceived, and rightly so, as an inferior product to I-A in almost every respect, with the exception the playoff system. That basic truth needs to be recognized. First by our administration and then the fans. The only people who believe that I-AA is big-time football are the fanatics that post on I-AA message boards.

It's similar to your former PR argument, in an earlier entry. The concept that I-AA is equal or even close to equal to I-A doesn't line up with what the public believes to be true. As a result of that perception, GSU ends up looking like a D-II school to most people because of our affiliation with the SoCon and FCS.

I disagree that we are doomed to never compete with the Michigans, etc., of the world. I think that most people believe that a playoff system in FBS is an inevitability. Once a playoff system is in place, then much like the NCAA hoops tourney, a lot of Boise/Marshall/GSU-type schools will indeed be competing on that level. I'd like us to be in the best position possible when that happens. That is why I think we should be proactive and move up ASAP to start building a good I-A program with a good reputation for when that day comes.

There's always going to be a disparity between us and the larger schools, but I don't see how people can use that as a reason to put the brakes on growth. It's illogical, Dr. McCoy.

I don't buy your thought that the BCS is going to break away from the non-BCS I-As. Those non-BCS I-As provide the competition, revenue, and overall nationwide interest that the BCS wouldn't get if it broke away. You very succinctly outlined a few of the "headaches" that the non-BCS I-A's could create for the BCS if it tried to break away. I think those hypotheticals that you gave are right on the money, and show that the non-BCS teams actually may have more juice than you give them credit for.

I do, however, buy your thought that the NCAA may at some point seal off I-A/FBS from any further I-AA migrations. That, in my opinion, is the quickest, easiest, and most likely way for the BCS to protect its huge piece of pie. Seal off any further migrations, and then deal with the other non-BCS I-A's as they have been doing thus far. That ban on new migrations is also a proposition that protects the non-BCS I-A's from losing their piece of the pie to upstart I-AA's.

That is why it is imperative, in my opinion, for Georgia Southern to act quickly.

On top of that, even if the NCAA does not lock us out, we may end up locking ourselves out if we squander a chance to get into the Sunbelt—the only geographically-viable FBS conference that would fit Georgia Southern. (Also, a conference that has been demonized to an absurd degree by pro-FCS people. The facts show that the Sunbelt is an up and coming, entry-level FBS conference, not the pit that so many people have been fooled into believing.)

Regarding our A.D., I think that Sam's numerous and continuing strategic errors completely outweigh his accomplishments on infrastructure.

I also think that he really isn't that great at infrastructure either, mostly because he has been (openly) so willing to cut corners on projects, and settles for "good", but not "excellent.”

The last straw though, is this latest APR scandal.

Who has stepped up to take accountability? Why have no heads rolled? These are incredibly serious issues affecting our three big revenue sports, and instead of telling us where we went wrong and how we are going to fix it, Sam is telling us to be "optimistic.” Is this administration telling us that nobody is at fault here? It would seem that way, given the fact that we really have no answers on this issue. Just more excuses. It angers me to an incredible degree, and I really don't see how the media and the locals down there just let it go.

[We're talking normally again, folks.]

On a totally unrelated note, I am going to predict that Tony Soprano gets clipped on Sunday. (Sam is to Grube and GSU, what Pauly Walnuts is to Tony and the "family").

Damn your 250 word rule!

SG: I think Tony's cooperation with the Feds on the terrorism case is his saving grace and both Phil Leotardo and Pauly sleep with the fishes while the Sopranos move into Witness Protection. We'll see.

Thanks for the good conversation. I think you read correctly into my assessment of the many possibilities in NCAA football--the most likely, I think, is the seal-off scenario. But don't pooh-pooh the "we'll take our ball and go play our own game," especially since the NCAA couldn't forbid member schools from playing BCS schools any more than it forbids playing NAIA schools.

You are the first interview in this "meet the faculty" series, so you get to start our first tradition (since you raped the 250-word limit and dragged me down with you): all of my guests get the last word. Our conversation plainly illustrates how pop culture is actually modern culture. I'd like to hear your take on what is actually wonderful about pop culture.

And the next time you're in Statesboro, the Vandy's is on me.

JPL: What's wonderful about "Pop" is that it's one of the few distinctly American "cultural" inventions. (Weirdly enough, that is also what's bad about it, but that conversation is for another day.)

I think it's interesting how pop culture is expanding in the 21st century, and that it is more of a world-wide phenomenon now. Look at how many popular American TV shows are based on British show concepts from the BBC, for instance. The Office(which by the way, if you like the Brit version like I do, then you'll also like Extras on HBO)and Who Wants To Be A Millionaire? are two somewhat recent examples of this, just off the top of my head.

I just started reading The World Is Flat, by Tom Friedman,(about 3 years after I intended to do so) and he really seems to have a grip on how globalization is changing the way that we as Americans have to operate in the business sector, and even the way we all think in general. I actually think that one can apply many of the same concepts that Friedman cites as global changes in international business(i.e. the world flattening) to the globalization of pop culture as well. Obviously America still dominates in the realm of pop culture, but more and more, we are seeing international projects have success in America. I think that is a very good thing, and it helps fight the "strip mall-ization" of the world that really was in full effect in the 90's. That kind of Wal-martian global cultural domination can only lead to resentment, and I think those emotions have been clearly visible in other countries by riots in which the local Starbucks or McDonald's gets trashed, or by other more dangerous anti-American sentiments globally.
In the future my hope is that globalization, specifically as it relates to pop culture, will be a unifying force for the world, rather than a divisive one as it was in the 90's. I think that America's expanding embrace of foreign pop culture will continue to enrich both us and the entire world.

What I really love about pop culture, though, is its ever-constant evolution, and that it is driven primarily by young people.

It's cliche to say so, but I am sick and tired of old, angry white guys ruling the world (for the record, I am white).

Modern pop culture is a wonderfully stealthy, and relatively non-invasive tool that can be used to bridge gaps between people who were formerly thought to be enemies.

History tells us that much, as the collapse of the Soviet Union was arguably partly due to its peoples' desire for blue jeans and rock n' roll.

When looked at with that perspective, pop culture really transcends the traditional school of thought which labels it, "trivial" and "material.”

I could probably write more about what is wrong with pop culture, but you asked for the good. On that note, I think that if pop culture continues to be that unifying force which I described, especially for young people, then it can overcome the many negatives that are also often associated with a “pop culture sensibility.”

Thanks for the conversation, Scott. I enjoyed it a lot. So much so, that I think I discovered my inner-blogger.

As a result, I am launching Opie's Uncensored GSU Sports Blog, where I will comment on GSU sports, all things topical, or just stuff that I find interesting. I'm aiming for a sort of Tony Kornheiser radio show vibe for my blog, in that it will be centered on sports, but I will often venture into the pop culture/entertainment realm as well.

I hope to have my first entry up by Monday, 06/11/07.

I also anxiously await more installments from The Institute and the rest of the faculty. I hope I haven't been a bore.

Peace in the Middle East.

Since concluding this conversation, we have all learned that both Joe and I were theoretically correct about the ending of the Sopranos, since no piece of film or television has ended that ambiguously since Rhett walked out on Scarlett. Of course, that was deemed to be a “classic ending” while everyone railed that David Chase had sold his soul to the devil and given Sopranos fans the finger. People with no sense of history annoy me.

If you want more of Joe, check out his blog or my “comments” section, which I playfully call “Joe’s other blog.” We’ll probably even get back in touch with him during football season on the soon-to-be-released Institute of Higher Sports blog.

From the Dean's Desk: Music and beer

2007-06-12T18:49:00.001-04:00

As a proud distributor and promoter of Miller Lite and a longtime fan of Ryan Adams, I felt completely obligated to post this video. I also discovered that I have been playing the song correctly thanks to a few up-close hand shots. That's right, one of the four or five songs I can play beginning-to-end on guitar after six years. And to think, I've never had a lesson.

If you want some more really good Ryan Adams, this is a good starting point.

PS: I've pushed the finale of my conversation with Joe Lawrence to tomorrow.

Sitting, waiting, wishing

2007-06-11T22:58:00.000-04:00

The following time management grenade was rolled into the MySpace inbox of the Dean of the Instituite of Higher Thinking, Scott Garner. Rather than pursue other, meaningful courses of activity, the dean immediately tuned into the Institute’s campus radio station, WIHT, and spent the next several hours compiling the following entry.

Anyone who feels compelled to do the same may leave their lists (or a link to their list on another blog/MySpace page) in the “comments” section. Dean Garner’s comments are in italics and blue.

INSTRUCTIONS
1. Put your music player on shuffle.
2. Press forward for each question.
3. Use the first line, song title and artist from the song to answer the question. NO CHEATING!

HOW DO YOU FEEL TODAY?
I used to ride with a vending machine repairman/he said he’s been down this road more than twice/he got high on intellectualism/I’ve never been there, but the brochure looks nice…
Sheryl Crowe
“Every Day is a Winding Road”
The brochure for intellectualism actually has Stephen Hawking’s face perfectly Photoshopped onto the body of the guy who played Leonidas in 300.

WHAT'S YOUR OUTLOOK ON LIFE?
Well it was ugly but we made it this far/some are gone but I forget who they are/now the hangovers are worse but we get through ‘em fine/sleeping late but we’re not lazy/getting older but we’re still crazy/I’m so glad that I have these friends of mine
Bowling for Soup
“Friends of Mine”
Okay, that was more than the first line. The spirit of instruction 3 should have been “use the first complete sentiment in the song.”

WHAT DOES YOUR FAMILY THINK OF YOU?
Man, what the fuck is he talking about?
The Coup
“Two Enthusiastic Thumbs Down”
This, no shit, just came up at random… swear to God. I think my dad said these words verbatim twice on Sunday.

WHAT DO YOUR FRIENDS THINK OF YOU?
I feel like an outline/but the middle part is missing/and the moonlight is kissing the details away
Jill Sobule
“Sold My Soul”
A really depressing song. I feel like I should call some people and apologize for random shit.

WHAT DO STRANGERS THINK OF YOU?
Heads of state who ride and wrangle/who look at your face from more than one angle/can cut you from their bloated budgets like sharpening knives through chicken McNuggets…
Cake
“Nugget”
Getting eerie…

WHAT DO(ES) YOUR EX(ES) THINK OF YOU?
All of us, all of us sing about it
Dandy Warhols
“Plan A” (featuring Simon LeBon)
Of course, for all the singing, I was still ultimately “Plan B” for this demographic.

HOW IS YOUR LOVE LIFE?
Spend your nights here we’ll always be up late
Howie Day
“Sorry, So Sorry”
Unless we’re going to bed at 10… again.

HOW WILL YOUR LOVE LIFE BE IN THE FUTURE?
Mother, mother ocean, I have heard you call…
Jimmy Buffett
“A Pirate Looks at 40”
Sorry, Jessica, apparently I’m going to cheat on you with The Little Mermaid.

WILL YOU GET MARRIED?
We built the houses in a row/On the streets we used to know/All the things out in the yard/Beckoning there to and fro/And if the money isn’t right, can I be yours tonight?
Whiskeytown
“Easy Hearts”
Translation: yes, on October 13^th.

WILL YOU HAVE KIDS?
Well, meet be by the river that goes nowhere…
Cracker
“Mr. Wrong”
Paging a fertility specialist.

WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
Man in uniform told me once to get out
Pete Yorn
“Man in Uniform”
Of course, the guy was in a Klingon Warrior uniform. Irony.

WHAT SONG SHOULD THEY PLAY AT YOUR FUNERAL?
I listen for your footsteps coming up the drive/Listen for your footsteps, but they don’t arrive
The Beatles
“Don’t Pass Me By”
Seriously fucking creepy now…

THE SOUNDTRACK OF YOUR LIFE:
Now don’t just walk away pretending everything is okay and you don’t care about me
Michelle Branch
“Are You Happy Now”
Now that’s just a little egocentric—even for me.

YOU AND YOUR BEST FRIEND ARE:
Stay a while and work it out with me
Son Volt
“Mystifies Me”
That’s what friendship is all about, right?

HAPPY TIMES:
Blame it on the Teatons, yeah I need a scapegoat now
Modest Mouse
“Blame It On the Teatons”
The better line in this song that I think applies is: “All the eager actors gladly take the credit for the lines created by the people tucked away from sight.”

SAD TIMES:
Have I told you lately that I love you
Van Morrison
“Have I Told You”
Ahhh… yeah… next!

FOR TOMORROW:
Change your name, here’s your place, run away oooohhhhh
Slow Runner
“Break Your Mama’s Back”
Sorry, Mom.

FOR SEX:
I was born long ago/I am the chosen, I'm the one/I have come to save the day/And I won't leave until I'm done
Lenny Kravitz
“Are You Gonna Go My Way”
Just remember, it’s all about me—at least according to this song.

FOR YOU:
Well I met a girl today, she was sitting all alone, I went up to her and asked, ‘Would you like some company’
Spider Monkey
“Make You Smile”
…then my fiancée said, “hold your horses, there, Skippy! I will totally whip the Little Mermaid's ass if you don't back up off that chicken of the sea!!!”

WHAT DOES NEXT YEAR HAVE IN STORE FOR ME?
Jimi Hendrix
“The Star Spangled Banner” Woodstock, 1969
To quote Shana, who originally set off this whole blog entry by emailing me this challenge: “Apparently you'll either be really patriotic next year or you're going to protest your ass off.” Shouldn’t good Americans do both?

WHAT DO I SAY WHEN LIFE GETS TOO HARD?
My morning scene it’s for the life of a TV dream, its lazy heart leaves me careening
Jonah Smith
“My Morning Scene”
My TV dream: I’m the guy on Lost that Kate ditches Jack and Sawyer for. There’s a shower scene.

WHAT SONG WILL I DANCE TO AT MY WEDDING?
For the benefit of Mr. Kite, there will be a show tonight on trampoline
The Beatles
“Being for the Benefit of Mr. Kite”
I assure you, I will not dance to this song at my wedding…

WHAT DO YOU WANT AS A CAREER?
He said ‘I’m gonna buy this place and burn it down’
Coldplay
“A Rush of Blood To the Head”
He took my red stapler.

YOUR FAVORITE FEELING?
They say everything will be replaced, every distance is not near/I remember every face of every man who brung me here
Kevin Kenny (covering Bob Dylan)
“I Shall Be Released”
Insert your own funny comment here; I can’t think of one.

YOUR FAVORITE SAYING?
Come down off your throne and leave your body alone
Blind Faith
“Can’t Find My Way Home”
That’s just my favorite saying when I’m talking to Michael Jackson.

HOW WILL I DIE?
As I walk down the highway all I do is sing this song…
Led Zeppelin
“Out On the Tiles”
…and my iPod drowns out the semi truck, causing me to end more abruptly than the Sopranos.

THE SONG THAT YOU'LL PUT AS YOUR SUBJECT?
I was sitting, waiting, wishing you believed in superstitions, then maybe you’d see the signs
Jack Johnson
“Sitting, Waiting, Wishing”
And now I’m gonna have a beer…

Up yours, Paulie Walnuts

2007-06-10T17:16:00.001-04:00

Just for the record, I think Tony Soprano is going to survive tonight's Sopranos finale. At least I hope he does.

Poetry Reading: Yosef Komunyakaa

2007-06-07T22:16:00.000-04:00

Blue Light Lounge Sutra For The Performance Poets At Harold Park Hotel
By Yosef Komunyakaa

(Listen to it here)

the need gotta be
so deep words can't
answer simple questions
all night long notes
stumble off the tongue
& color the air indigo
so deep fragments of gut
& flesh cling to the song
you gotta get into it
so deep salt crystalizes on eyelashes
the need gotta be
so deep you can vomit up ghosts
& not feel broken
till you are no more
than a half ounce of gold
in painful brightness
you gotta get into it
blow that saxophone
so deep all the sex & dope in this world
can't erase your need
to howl against the sky
the need gotta be
so deep you can't
just wiggle your hips
& rise up out of it
chaos in the cosmos
modern man in the pepperpot
you gotta get hooked
into every hungry groove
so deep the bomb locked
in rust opens like a fist
into it into it so deep
rhythm is pre-memory
the need gotta be basic
animal need to see
& know the terror
we are made of honey
cause if you wanna dance
this boogie be ready
to let the devil use your head
for a drum

Syllabus: Like previews, only more academic sounding…

2007-06-05T21:16:00.001-04:00

A few notes from the last faculty meeting of the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking:

The second portion of the conversation between IHT Dean Scott Garner and Baltimore-area legal professional/sports message board instigator Joseph Lawrence will likely not appear until Tuesday of next week. Some grammatical errors in the first segment of the interview still remain uncorrected due to a draft version of the conversation being placed on the blog when the more polished version was lost to the Computer Gods, have ye mercy on us oh Silicon Deities. Since many of the emails between Dean Garner and Mr. Lawrence, esq, were exchanged at late hours, grammar errors by both parties were… ahem… profound and prodigious.

The long-promised final piece of the series that interests only hardcore fans of I-AA football and Georgia Southern (last seen here) should go up sometime after the conversation with Mr. Lawrence, esq, is complete. After all, to post it now might compromise the direction of the chat between the Dean and the Institute's Legal Council. Just don't call him "Ted." In related news, the Institute's executive board has voted 1-0 to create a separate blog for IHT sports discussion.

The lecture "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Manners" is being prepared and should arrive online sometime in the next two weeks. Remember people, the Institute is very, very short on staff and the staff has another job, too.

Meanwhile, consider this entry from another noteworthy blog to be a "guest lecture." Also, it is an attempt to pander shamelessly to the female demographic, which, we assume, won't be visiting the sports blog much.

Meet the Faculty: Baltimore Joe

2007-06-04T21:43:00.001-04:00

When I opened the doors of the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking, I envisioned a blog that wasn't quite like everyone else's. Considering that there are roughly 4 billion blogs out there, I'm sure I'll never achieve the degree of singularity I would like. Still, this was not to become one of those pages where some hack just ranted off into the cyberverse about whatever issue was particularly interesting to him that day. It has been that so far, but it has also been new.

Beginning today, the Institute is launching a monthly series called (as you may have noticed above), "Meet the Faculty." In this case, the "Faculty" just happens to be anyone I find interesting.

First up is Joe "Don't Call Me Blossom's Brother" Lawrence. Joe is known as "OpieGSU" on the Georgia Southern fan message boards, from which he has been banned for being unsociable or revolutionary or a pain in the ass or right about things, depending on who you ask. My exchanges with him through the "comments" section of this blog have been interesting and civil, so he seemed like a perfect person to begin this new segment. This "conversation" was held by email over a span of about ten days and is being presented in two parts.

Next month: who knows? I'm taking volunteers.

SG: I guess this should start out by letting my three faithful readers know that to my knowledge, we have never met. I know you from the Southern Connection message boards and you, I assume, know me from my lengthy stint as Georgia Southern's beat writer for the Statesboro Herald. You work in Baltimore in the legal profession (correct me if I completely crap the bed on my facts) and I now haul the Miller Girls around the Coastal Empire trying to get people to drink more Miller Lite. Good gigs all around.

Something I noticed from your Southern Connection days that really sticks out is your use of Hunter S. Thompson's image in all of your posts. I read Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas and Fear and Loathing on the Campaign Trail, '72, but my most lingering impression of Thompson is that he served as the model for the character of Uncle Duke in the Doonsbury strip. In my old blog I called the report of Thompson's suicide an early contender for "the least shocking headline of 2005," but the man had/has this cult of worshippers that make Michael Jackson's fans look like rational human beings. You know, intellectuals, gun nuts and recreational drug users who gladly embrace "gonzo" journalism and read Thompson's apocryphal ramblings like the Dead Sea Scrolls. That is some really fine iconography. What draws you to Thompson?

JPL: There's nothing that I can say that hasn't already been said about Thompson. HST was just the quintessential anti-authoritarian. Mixing guns, gambling, drugs, and booze? What's not to like? It sounds like a Georgia Southern party.

On top of that, he was hilarious. I guess my first exposure to HST was like everybody else, by reading Fear and Loathing, in high school. About the same time, I had a subscription to Rolling Stone, and they would often feature articles from HST. I've read most of his stuff since then, and whether it was his adventures as an American reporter in Puerto Rico in The Rum Diary, or his political/social commentary of Kingdom of Fear, he has just never failed to make me laugh out loud. He had no allegiance to anyone but himself.

HST was one of the last of the genuine rebels of American pop culture. In today's world, even rebellion is processed, packaged, and for sale. Whether it's writing, music, film, it's all been calculated by some weasel in an office with piles market research and consumer data.

Thompson couldn't have been further from that. While much of his "adventures" in his gonzo journalism are clearly over-exaggerations and embellishments, he is so genuine and committed in his writing that one often finds it difficult to tell whether or not he is giving an account from reality or from his own drug-enhanced imagination. Where does the reality become the gonzo and vice versa in other words.

Most kids today would find it hard to believe that a 60+ year writer could ever be as "rebellious" as today's pre-packaged bullshit pop pseudo-punk anarchist. HST would eat Marylin Manson or Fallout Boy alive if he ever had them out to his "compound."

The guy was a sports fan too. He wrote a column on espn.com called, "Hey Rube", toward the end of his life, in which he shamelessly ripped this horrible president we have, while at the same time writing fall down funny accounts of his sports gambling losses.

HST was a man's man, and a unique voice in a sea of recycled ideas.

When do we get to talk about how bad Sam Baker sucks? Hehheh

SG: Keep yer pants on, we'll get to that.

I think it's interesting that you talk about how rebellion is packaged these days. I don't know if you ever saw it, but PBS had an amazing documentary a few years back about how MTV peddles "cool" to the youth demographic—in their case about 13 to 25. It's called The Merchants of Cool, and you can actually watch the program online.

Two things I think are really amazing about this: first, even college-age kids turn towards MTV for a frightening amount of entertainment. I mean, look at that demographic! And 13 might be a lowball number for the lower threshold of MTV's targeting. It's scary to think that 22-year old college seniors are tuning into "The Real O.C." because it appeals to them in the same ways it does to 13-year-olds. Second, with the Internet and viral marketing, some companies are using tools like MySpace and Facebook to create underground movements that aren't really underground.

I wonder what Uncle Duke would have had to say about that!

Isn't it funny how well this documentary holds up, even though it was first made in 1995?

JPL: Yeah, I remember watching that show. (BTW, Frontline has some great in-depth stories, especially on the war. I spend money on a satellite dish with like 1000 channels, and I end up watching PBS half the time. Alannis Morissette would call that irony.)

That particular show depicted exactly the kind of invasive marketing research/data that I'm talking about.

That kind of hardcore, directed psychological manipulation, by large entities like corporations or governments, becomes even more ominous when one considers that we are currently in a war in Iraq that was super-hyped and barely questioned by the same media machine that dictates "cool." You, being a reasonable thinking person, would have to assume that the same types of marketing strategies were used to sell the war to the American people as a whole.

I say all this without pretending that I am somehow above this type of corporate manipulation. Everyone is subject to it unless you are one of the few people in this country who don't own a TV, don't listen to popular music, and/or don't watch popular films. You know, aliens (or certain Manhattan-ites and the Amish).

It's scary.

Fear of being manipulated and brainwashed by these corporate cretins is almost enough to make me not want to watch my TV on a semi-constant basis like I do. Almost.

Being a Doctor of Journalism, man, Raoul Duke, would of course curse these marketing pigs for the swine they are, and then probably go off on a tirade about how you can't trust Samoans either.

Speaking of documentaries, now there's a art form that has enjoyed a creative explosion in our lifetimes. I personally think the reason for that is because we've run out of original ideas as a culture. Very little of the American/western pop culture is original anymore. I mean, if I have to see Hollywood make another sitcom redux movie, or another re-make of a re-make, I think I'll puke. Even most of the ideas in modern writing have been done already, over and over again. And the popular music industry? It died when "American Idol" hit and Fatboy Slim made it cool to be a sellout.

[Below: Fatboy Slim, "Weapon of Choice"]

It's no wonder why more and more of today's filmmakers are turning to reality subjects and documentaries. That's the only original shit out there, and it is, for now, a semi-haven from corporate influence. It's like all of the BIG ideas have been done, so these documentary-makers need to find their art in the ordinary and mundane things, in order to be original. That search interests me.

Now that I just slammed modern writers, what's up with this novel your writing? Are you going to break some new ground?

In all seriousness, writing a novel takes a level of discipline that I do not yet possess. How's the progress, and what's it about, more or less?

SG: Fiction writing has been a labor for me lately—this is one of the reasons I've begun blogging again. It's a kick-start. I haven't been a full-time professional writer in almost two years, and although the skill is like riding a bike, I'm still not going to get up on a half-pipe right away.

My first novel has been a work-in-progress since 2003, based on an idea I originally conceived in 1994. I have notes/outlines for three or four other works, but I'm pretty committed to this first one. First I am writing a play for the Statesboro Arts Center. Paying gig.

As far as finding original ideas, I think the sheer landscape of human thinking has become so big that a unique voice or perspective is more important than a unique idea, since the latter is almost extinct. I disagree that all of pop culture has been compromised, too. After all, we are so schismed as a society that finding a true crossover sensation is really tough. If there are 10 million Americans tuned into "American Idol," that is still just a fraction of the overall population.

But back to original voices for a minute.

When I decided to start blogging again, I really wanted to do something a bit different. Most blogs are mind-numbingly boring or self-absorbed or just ignorant. My old blog was probably not very different in most respects (and this one is just beginning to find a voice). So I thought I'd try a blog where I actively try to engage people in thought. This little "conversation" is a step I hope to repeat regularly with a variety of folks chipping in their opinions. I have some other ideas, too. I just didn't want this to be another page of "some guy bullshitting."

Again, this is just an attempt at a less-staid approach to a concept that can be pretty tiresome, but also fairly brilliant.

The novel, meanwhile, continues to grow in terms of how it writes itself in my brain. Again, I think I've found a unique way to tell a story that may ring somewhat familiar, but with some skill and patience, I should be able to make the story my own. My fiancée is pretty supportive of me continuing a writing career, but for now, beer pays the rent. I don't regret leaving journalism, but I'll never quit being a writer.

(And you'll notice I never gave anyone even a whiff of my novel's plot…)

JPL: Only 10 million watch "American Idol," but many, many more are exposed to its poison. How many times a week has your local news featured some "American Idol" update? You can't escape it. The shit is everywhere. That's not to mention that just about every westernized country now has its own version of "Idol". It's global and pervasive.

We used to have rock stars or jazz musicians or country singers, who bled and sweated out their own songs, paid their dues in a local scene, and as a result refined their styles for a mass audience. That's a long-term prospect.

Now though, thanks to "Idol," popular music has become infested with glorified lounge singers, singing covers, and calling themselves "artists". Never mind that they didn't write the songs, and were coached and packaged from day one to appeal to the widest possible audience. In other words, they appeal to the lowest common denominator.

For me, what makes any art worthy is the level of sincerity that comes through it. As long as it is genuine, and comes from a real place in the artist's heart, then I have a hard time criticizing it. However, the overt commercialization of "art" today, makes any artist's attempt at making a genuine statement completely hollow. It's impossible for you to be truly genuine if you are trying to sell me something.

I'm specifically talking about music here, but I think it holds true for other art forms as well. Selling out used to be the last step for a musician. Now it is the first. For example, how many popular songs over the past few years have gotten their first wide exposure in an ad for cars, trucks, or iPods?

It's just really disturbing that people love to be spoon-fed this pure bullshit.

It's laziness really. Rather than tune into a good college radio station, where you are very likely to hear something you've never heard before, people take the easy way, and tune into some Idol wingnut singing a song that has already been done three times over.

People are so eager and desperate to be led to the trough. It's sad.

That's why I personally try to embrace anything that's different or sub-normal, in order to get away from the constant bombardment of the "cultural salesmen." Weird people and weird things are so much more interesting, for one thing.

SG: Your brush may be a bit too broad, my friend. I think it is disingenuous to blame an artist for mainstream success.

The term "average American" should really put a little more emphasis on the word "average." Like it or not, the broad shoulders of this economy belong to the thoroughly average American, "people of the land. The common clay of the new West. You know... morons." Thank you, Mel Brooks.

I'm not going to fault Kelly Clarkston or Dianna DeGarmo (who went to my high school, by the way) or William Hung or any other overnight sensation for riding the wave created by the entertainment appetites of a populace of cultural dunces. More power to them. I hope they sleep on cotton candy and shit twenty dollar bills. What they are doing is no less insincere than bluesmen who robbed licks and lyrics from their counterparts or Hall of Fame singers who made their name playing other people's songs. Hell, Elvis did it and the Beatles started out recording a tremendous number of covers. My favorite Nirvana performance is the Meat Puppets "Lake of Fire" or the Leadbelly "Where Did You Sleep Last Night" off the Unplugged in New York CD. Cobain owned those songs and doesn't deserve to be faulted for cribbing off someone else's (musical) notes.

I don't blame the marketers, either, not really. Their job is to make a product that will draw attention to itself, be it TV, music, movie or book. Since an overwhelming number of Americans lack critical thinking skills, they aren't able to differentiate between what is popular because it is good and what is popular because it has been engineered to be popular. Really good art will always find an audience. But it might take a while. So if Mellowdrone sells the rights to "Oh My" to Nissan for a car commercial, that doesn't make the song any less kick-ass. It just means someone associated with the band said "oh hell yeah I'll take a million bucks… I don't care if you use it in the commercial for the Nissan Shitcan." If nothing else, the so-called sellout might let a good band make another good LP.

Likewise, I don't begin hating something just because it attains mainstream popularity. I met Maroon 5 a few years back when they opened in Statesboro for Jennifer Nettles (now of Sugarland fame). Those guys were all right. Live, their music was so tight that I was blown away, and they gave me a free three-song EP before Songs About Jane was ever released. Now there is some degree of M5 overkill thanks to the record companies getting too much airplay for their band (a la Alanis Morrissette), but that doesn't mean I don't like them anymore. If the new CD has good music, I'll like it. If it doesn't, I'll still like the first one.

Which brings up my final point—flash-in-the-pan celebrity will always consume itself. Eventually, even Average America gets bored with Brittany, who is now more famous for being a pantyless slut than for her singing. Other 15 Minutes of Famers have faded so far into obscurity that I can't think of one right now. Even worse, you can end up with the George Reeves effect and never outgrow your initial place in pop culture.

Celebrity isn't exactly something I would wish on someone, so when I think about all the bad music, TV and movies out there, I choose to ridicule the people who consume it, not the ones who make it. I mean, everybody needs a job.

If we are very, very lucky, we get some pop culture guides to lead us and some truly brilliant art to be the cutting edge. Folks like Hunter Thompson, Chuck Klosterman, Bill Simmons, Jon Stewart, the people at The Onion, Terry Gross and hundreds of others are out there to shed some light on the pop culture landscape. If people choose to ignore their guidance, that's their own gig.

Which brings me to a fairly obvious question: what are your guilty pop culture pleasures?

JPL: I don't really blame the artists, the marketers, or the corporations, as much as I blame the stupid American people for eating it up like flies do with shit. Regarding the artists, it all comes down to sincerity. A guy like Cobain could pull off a cover of a Meat Puppets song because he paid his dues, and he does the song with clear reverence for the Puppets. He was committed to that song, and all of his others. They came from his heart. We all know that.

When a kid like Sangina does a cover of a Kinks jam, he's doing it because someone told him that it would make him famous and make him a lot of money. It's a completely different vibe. He's got no affinity for the song, no real respect for it. He doesn't feel it. It's just a vehicle to a mansion on a hill, and crazy amounts of teenage tail, for him. Sure, those perks also come to the genuine artist who is lucky enough to achieve notoriety in his lifetime, but they aren't necessarily his entire motivation. In fact, it didn't seem like Cobain himself ever really wanted those perks at all. Everything that I've read about him seems to suggest that he really struggled with maintaining "sincerity" in his music after all the success had come. In my opinion, that struggle was what drove him to kill himself (along with Courtney and a raging H-bomb habit).

I guess I just like my artists to be starving ones. That, in and of itself, is a cliche though. Remember when Nevermind first broke, and Kurt was on the cover of Rolling Stone with a homemade T-shirt that said, "Corporate Mags Still Suck"? It's all a paradox and it would seem that if you are really good, it is almost impossible not to "sell out" at some point in your career. Like you said, the good stuff usually shines through, even if it is years down the road.

Look, I certainly understand that when you break it down to the individual level, every cog in the machine that is mass media, is an individual person, who is basically just trying to pay the rent and eat.

However, economic motivation while a reality, is not an excuse for selling out. Sell out all you want, just don't claim that you are a pure artist, or anything more than just a mass produced consumer product. Time to quit, I have gone way past the high and might stage. Who am I to talk?

My guilty pleasure of pop culture? The Goo Goo Dolls, Pop Tarts, Playstation2 NCAA 07, The Drudge Report, Letterman, the view, and Regis & Kelly, weed, Sportscenter, The Bad Girls Club, The Star Wars flicks, burgers from Five Guys, Cathouse on HBO, Real Time w/ Bill Maher, NPR's 'Wait Wait, Don't Tell Me', Myth Busters, American Chopper, the Don and Mike Radio show, did I mention weed?

SG: So I definitely have more guilt associated with my guilty pleasures. I completely trump you in the guilt category with films like Smokey and the Bandit, Roadhouse, anything with Godzilla in it (even the awful American version) and Love, Actually (which is a great movie, but I hemorrhage Man Points by mentioning it as one of my favorites). My television guilt is limited: I love "Deal Or No Deal." My literary indiscretions include Conan novels (not just the ones by Robert E. Howard, either) and comic books. Not cutting edge graphic novels, either (although I like those, too). I'm talking about an addiction to The Incredible Hulk and Astonishing X-Men (written by Joss Whedon of "Buffy the Vampire Slayer" fame). And in music, well, the list is long, but tends to be limited to songs rather than artists. I guess anyone can put lightning in a bottle. I like at least two Kelly Clarkston songs, think Pocket Full of Kryptonite by the Spin Doctors has at least four really, really good songs on it and I actually once owned Dokken's Dream Warriors on vinyl. Yes, the title song of the album is also the title song from Nightmare On Elm Street III. Thankfully, I now admit Dokken was shit. I'm sure there's plenty more on my iPod that would make more eclectic audiophiles cringe, but I'm not divulging that right here right now.

JPL: God lord, Deal or no Deal?! You should be ashamed. Heheh.

I love Smokey and the Bandit, but no guilt there.... "East bound and down, loaded up and truckin'. We gonna do what they say can't be done." The scenes with Jerry Reed are my faves. And Sally Field was never hotter than she was in those movies.

OK, I just admitted that I sometimes watch The View and Regis and Kelly... can we hurry up and talk some football?

We will shift gears to sports, beginning later this week or early next week.

What is your pleasure?

2007-05-31T22:43:00.000-04:00

Coming soon: A Blazing Saddles reference, debate about the merits of "American Idol" and everybody's favorite gun-toting drug abuser, Hunter S. Thompson. The faculty here at the Institute is more excited than the Financial Aid Office on Lender Kickback Day.

Books to sunburn by

2007-05-28T23:33:00.001-04:00

Just slightly too late for the official unofficial kickoff of summer, Memorial Day, we finally prodded the Writing and Literature Department at the Institute to produce the 2007 Summer Reading for Higher Thinking reading list. You can purchase these books from the IHT bookstore by clicking the links provided. Book reports are due on Labor Day:

Sit Down and Shut Up and Hardcore Zen, by Brad Warner. Very, very few people can stake claim to expertise in Zen Buddhism, punk rock and Japanese monster movies. Even fewer can tie all three together in an entertaining and – although it is painful to use the word for reasons Hardcore Zen makes plain – enlightening way. The former book is a new release centering on a single Buddhist writing with plenty of pop-culture references and allusions to hardcore punk bands you may have never heard before, while the latter is a bit more autobiographical, but still rife with references to ground readers unfamiliar with Buddhist concepts to the world they see every day (this includes Simpsons quotes, references to Fast Times at Ridgemont High and about 40 mentions of the Ramones). In terms of really moving literature about a deeply personal religion centered on the self/universe relationship, the book succeeds wildly, too. Anyone with an open mind towards their own beliefs should pick up these books.

Chuck Klosterman IV, by Chuck Klosterman. Although no one at the Institute of Higher Thinking has picked up this tome just yet, the quality and entertainment value of Klosterman's first three books are a fair indication that this collection of essays and insights should also be a winner. The author returns to a shorter form, which made Sex, Drugs and Cocoa Puffs (his sophomore effort) the most accessible of the quartet by Klosterman.

The Brothers K, by David James Duncan. What says summer more than a novel about baseball? And family. And politics. And religion. Written in a style that will sometimes delight and sometimes challenge the reader, The Brothers K exhibits a broader eye for the traditional "Coming of Age" story. A hefty volume at over 600 pages with a title that makes one think of Dostoevsky, this may be the densest summer read you ever haul to the beach. Luckily, Duncan's style and tenderness make this book less of a chore than reading Crime and Punishment for A.P. English ever was.

Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows, by J.K. Rowling. The final installment of a series that has transcended adolescent literature hasn't hit the shelves yet and is already the most read book of 2007—assuming the End of the World doesn't come before the release, which would be unfortunate on a lot of levels. With a release date of July 21, more people will be in line for this book than for Spider-Man 3. The previous six books have grown in theme, tone and content as Harry (and, presumably, his readers) have, so the 18-year-old Harry could have some decidedly PG-13 action (mostly composed of action and magical violence, but a few subtle sexual references surfaced in HP6, so nothing's out of the question). It doesn't hurt that HP5 comes makes its screen debut a week before the book is released.

I Love You, Beth Cooper, by Larry Doyle. A funny, true, sad, sentimental, cynical, hopeful and eminently enjoyable book about confessing love during a valediction speech is a shoo-in for a mention on a lot of summer reading lists. Easily the most laughs of the summer provided by the printed page.

And finally…

The 13 ½ Lives of Captain Bluebear, by Walter Moers with John Brownjohn translating. This book is part Shel Silverstein, part Douglas Adams, part Monty Python. Absurd and illustrated, this tremendous tome (700 pages) is a quick read and a chance to just turn off your thinking mind and let your imagination go a bit haywire.

I loved Beth Cooper, too

2007-05-25T00:05:00.001-04:00

Just finished I Love You, Beth Cooper. Perhaps the saddest piece of American pop-culture fiction I've ever read, and still incredibly funny and touching. The 30-plus set will revel in the book, particularly if they ever watched and enjoyed any of the following movies:

Say Anything, The Breakfast Club, American Pie (just the first one), Weird Science, Uncle Buck – hell, let's just say all of the great John Hughes epics from the eighties (except Adventures in Babysitting) – Gross Point Blank, Almost Famous, Dazed and Confused, Can't Hardly Wait, Go, Fast Times At Ridgemont High, Mean Girls, Napoleon Dynamite, etc, etc, etc.

Worth noting: Beth Cooper is going to be a movie, too. I'm buying max shares on the Hollywood Stock Exchange as soon as I publish this.

I think my newly located long-lost high school friends Katrina and Emily should definitely buy and read this book, because those are the people from my high school I know and it just feels like you should tell all your real high school friends about this book.

More on this later, after I've had a little time to emotionally detach myself from it.

Three completely unrelated thoughts

2007-05-24T00:33:00.001-04:00

ONE

Picked up the book I Love You, Beth Cooper today at lunch. By bedtime (by which I mean by the time I wrote this blog post), I had covered about half the book. I might have made it further if I hadn't been laughing so hard my ribs hurt. Perhaps the funniest piece of American pop-culture fiction I've ever read. I actually had to get up and pee after Chapter Four.

The book even comes with a soundtrack, courtesy of iTunes. This is a bonus.

The author, Larry Doyle, is a former writer for The Simpsons. He wrote the episode where Moe the bartender gets plastic surgery (and others). I know I'm a Simpsons geek. Shoot me.

The Institute's Department of Writing will definitely have more to say about this book.

Interesting romantic tie-in: While browsing the first few pages of Beth Cooper, I laughed out loud no less than six times. Pretty Barnes & Noble Clerk comes over to find out more about the not-unattractive man who is confident enough to laugh out loud at literature in a public place. We briefly exchange appreciations of Laff Lit. As she checks me out (by which I mean she takes my cash in exchange for the book – the other way is what she was doing, I assume, before she came over to chat me up at the display), Pretty B&N Clerk segues the conversation to "so, you're a beer guy" (I was on lunch break and wearing the shirt). My FLIRT ALARM 9000 goes off as she is maneuvering the conversation towards the kind of talk that ends with "we should have coffee."

In single life, I often imagined that I might meet the girl of my dreams in a Barnes & Noble. She would be pretty, smart and book-savvy, the fantasy went. This girl met those qualifications. A wide smile breaks across my face, and it isn't the Scoundrel Smile. I'm thinking about my fiancée at work back in Statesboro. At the library.

I did end up with the pretty, smart, book-savvy girl. Good for me. I mention Jessica to Pretty B&N Clerk with my next breath, lest I be accused of leading anyone on.

It feels good to have the Pretty B&N Clerk flirt with you. It feels better to know you are about to marry the Hot Librarian.

Anyway, go buy I Love You, Beth Cooper. It's tits.

TWO

Wind gusts of 25-30 miles per hour making driving a car down a two-lane road a pain.

They make a 60-mile commute from Savannah to Statesboro on a motorcycle an Adventure In Living.

THREE

Apparently, Roy Hibbert is enrolled at least part time at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking. After learning that the Institute's NBA Think Tank was recommending the Atlanta Hawks draft him with the third overall pick in this year's draft, Hibbert decided he'd rather just go back to Georgetown. Of course, the 7-2 Hoya center wasn't really a number three pick. But the thought of the Hawks addressing their Point Guard/Center deficiency by drafting the point first and then hoping Hibbert fell to 11 (he wouldn't have) only to draft yet another 3 or 4 with that pick… I shudder. Maybe Horford would have been lingering, but a true center who could develop into a 10-10-5 guy quickly addressed the Hawks' needs. Still, I would always rather see a kid go back for his senior year. Good luck, Roy.

(You are aware the Hawks could be right back in the lottery next year, right? Just Checking.)

The revised draft advisory from the Institute is to pick Mike Conley Jr. with the third selection and the best available 4/5 combo-post guy with the 11. Then deal Josh Smith for a serviceable Euro-center (6-10, jumpshot intact inside of 18 feet, no defense). Or package Smith and the 11 to draft up and grab Joakim Noah or take a flyer on Yi Jianlian.

Upon hearing these advisories, Conley has decided to test the theory of a "sophomore slump" and Yi Jianlian thinks maybe communism isn't so bad in the new global economy.

Repeat after me: Hibbert and Law

2007-05-22T22:03:00.001-04:00

I'm still on a sports kick, I know, but I have to talk about basketball.

When my family moved to Atlanta in 1986, I became an instant Atlanta Hawks fan. I worshipped at the alter of Dominique Wilkins, revered Tree Rollins (and later Moses Malone), and even threw unconditional support to Jon Koncak. I mean, I was brainwashed.

Then the Hawks traded 'Nique in the middle of a playoff run in 1994. That's right, they traded their top scorer when they had the best record in the Eastern Conference. I still throw up a little in my mouth when I think about it. I have had girlfriends that I truly adored break my heart with less emotional resonance than the Dominique Wilkins trade. What is worse, I heard about the trade at a Rush concert, about twelve nanoseconds after I realized that Rush was a sonic affront to mankind and not even the free tickets and a trip to Atlanta was worth being subjected to Geddy Lee's cats-in-a-jet-engine vocal stylings (although Neal Pert was as good as advertised).

Since 1994, the Hawks have been paying the karmic price, with no notable teams since the big trade and no playoff appearances since 1999. They have been the worst franchise in the NBA, which is saying something, considering that the NBA is just coming out of a 10-year skid that has featured the worst hoops since the shot clock was instituted. Tonight, however, the statute of limitations may have run out on the Hawks' bad karma penalty.

The Hawks landed two, count 'em two, lottery picks in the deepest NBA draft pool in years. Hawks General Manager Billy Knight has the ability to totally crap the bed on even that ray of sunshine scenario, as past picks have proven, so I'm going to help Billy out.

No. 3 – Roy Hibbert, Georgetown, Center
No.11 – Acie Law, Texas A&M, Point Guard

There. That wasn't so hard, was it?

The $1 million challenge

2007-05-22T01:04:00.001-04:00

I have been writing this long, protracted piece on Georgia Southern football for the last two weeks—not the best way to launch a new blog about the totality of pop culture and its relevance in the world—and as I got to the final piece, I wondered just what I was going to say. Through the first four segments, the goal has been to play a bit of Devil's Advocate, which was fairly easy since I was a staunch supporter of my school remaining snug in the comforts of I-AA/FCS. As the time drew close to make a final argument—a definitive statement for why I think that now is the time for Georgia Southern to look toward a move to college football's highest level—the blank page just gaped back at me. Blank.

Then, a conversation about music found in the comments section of this post and an archival copy of a correspondence between Chuck Klosterman and Bill Simmons ("The Sports Guy") lit the way.

The point is actually pretty simple:

Music is a highly subjective art form, because what people think of as good or great or defining music is almost always defined by where the individual making the statement was when they first heard the songs, albums and bands they are talking about. For me, Ryan Adams' Gold is near the absolute top of my "CDs to take to a desert island." A lot of critics would agree with me, believing that either that disc or Heartbreaker represented an incredible collision where Adams was at the peak of his songwriting prowess and he was being produced by Ethan (son of Glenn) Johns, the man seemingly most suited to translate Adams. Survey 25 critics who love Gold and you can get about 15 different takes on what makes the album remarkable (plus five critics who cribbed off someone else, four who just spouted out "criticspeak" and a guy from Rolling Stone who used a thesaurus to sound smarter, but really just laid out the same verbiage as the others). On the other hand, ask 25 fans why they loved Gold and you are likely to hear 25 intimate recollections about why those two CDs found a deeply personal place in those 25 lives. One day I might share why Adams' work from Faithless Street (as the frontman for Whiskeytown) to Gold provided a big portion of the soundtrack for my late 20s. The point is that my position is subjective and I embrace the subjectivity of it. The only unifying aspect of a musical experience's quality is that X numbers of people have the same fundamental response: they like it, they put it in their car CD player and they listen to it again and again.

Of course, Klosterman says it better: "When I say Vitalogy is 'irrefutably' the best Pearl Jam album, I'm really just saying that fact is irrefutable to me. But I am only speaking about my own reality. If I say a band is good, it only means that I think they're good; if I say a band is bad, it only means that I think they're bad. All my criticism is autobiography."

When I said that Cobain was overrated and Clapton lacked passion, those were my opinions, too. They were based on observations I've made about music and culture as they relate to my point of view. I also freely acknowledge that Elvis Costello might just be too musically eclectic for me to enjoy—my bad, not Elvis's.

This brings us back to Georgia Southern football, believe it or not.

Out of the approximately 15,000 or so fans that attend an average home football game, Southern Connection lists just fewer than 600 fans who love Eagle sports enough to sign up and yak about it over the Internet. SouthernFACTS.org said on May 8^th that they had 900 verifiable supporters signed on in support of a move to FBS/I-A. Even if there were no crossover between those two groups, those 1,500 fans represent about 10 percent of the average GSU home crowd. Those 1,500 folks have one thing in common—they all love Georgia Southern sports. Beyond that, if you compared the musical preferences of these 1,500 folk you might find as many commonalities as in their opinions about Georgia Southern football. For all the reasons they have to love the Eagles, fans and boosters all have different imaginations, dispositions and agendas.

So in creating a final piece about where GSU needs to go from here, I wondered if there was anything that could unify everyone: those in favor of FCS, those longing for FBS, the Wilco fans, the White Stripe fans, the Justin Timberlake fans, the GSU administration, the guys who have been thrown off of the TSC message boards for being pestering assholes—you know, everyone.

Surprisingly, I think I've done it. The solution was as simple as going back to the pride argument.

If you want Georgia Southern to move up into a bigger, stronger and more expensive division—put your money and/or your tangible efforts where your mouth is. That doesn't mean giving money to Southern Boosters and just waiting to see what happens. Get together with friends. Donate in blocks of $25,000 or greater. Find 100 other season ticket holders that think like you do and pay for your season ticket renewals through a single check and let your individual season ticket purchases lapse. The school still gets the money and can claim the same number of season ticket sales, but those tickets are issued to "Fans in support of FBS at Georgia Southern." One big voice.

And don't stand pat by maintaining your current donating levels. Give more through these groups. Show the administration that growth is possible. Recruit new season ticket buyers and get 200 tickets instead of 100, with 100 of those being new purchases. Spend time building new fan blogs and web sites. Spread the word.

Here's a little factoid: when I wrote the 2004 articles about the I-A/I-AA debate and spoke to Southern Boosters, I got the eerie sense that the folks up there had a pretty solid grasp of how much money it would take to move the program up the ladder to I-A (okay, they said as much). They mightn't have had "feasibility study" specific numbers, but I'll bet they were a short wedge shot from the pin. Anyone who doesn't believe the administration at Georgia Southern has a solidly in-focus picture of the resource commitment needed to move up a notch might need to reexamine their appreciation for the Power of Cumbersome Bureaucracy.

It will take loads of dollars to move Georgia Southern to FBS, and it will take money in the bank and the promise of more money to come if anyone is to convince a stubborn administration that abandoning a profitable athletic department for the uncertain waters of Mid-major I-A football is a good idea. Making that statement 200 season tickets (or $25K) at a time is the only sure way to get anyone's attention. Money talks and bullshit walks.

Those folks dead-set on Georgia Southern remaining a big fish in the smaller FCS pond need to make similar strides in fund-raising—only instead of abandoning their individual donations in favor of an en masse contribution, these like-minded folks should keep their individual names on the rolls and then create a second collective, singular donation of additional money clearly labeled as a donation in favor of remaining in the FCS. After all, if the reasoning for staying at the current level is that GSU's position at the top of the smaller division is worth more to the school than a secondary position in a higher division, there needs to be money to keep the Eagles at the top of I-AA/FCS. Why not have a FBS-caliber athletic program ruling the roost with an iron fist year after year. The Eagles could be more hated than the Yankees, albeit by a much smaller demographic of college football fans.

The fact is that the only people who don't have a leg to stand on are the ones who aren't doing a damn thing or who have begun to withhold money from the school to "make a point." These losers are defeatists who lack the creativity to find more appropriate means of protest or the social skills to assemble a group of like-minded folk to make a positive group statement like the one I've mentioned above. The Georgia Southern athletic program isn't run by John Q. Fan or Sam Baker or Bruce Grube or Southern Boosters. Georgia Southern athletics is run by dead presidents. I will publicly ridicule anyone who doesn't believe that if 5,000 fans banded together and donated $6 million over three years (that's $400 per person a year for three years) under the name "Fans for FBS" or "Eagles for Staying Put" the agenda advanced by that plurality (not even a majority) of GSU fans wouldn't jump to the forefront of GSU athletics' "look into this" list.

Anyone believing GSU simply has to announce a move to FBS and money will pour in smoked more dope than I did in college. Put a million bucks on the table and say it was given "to advance the GSU program towards a goal of FBS membership" (use your PR skills to let the plebes know the money was given for that purpose) and (1) the school has to take your point seriously and (2) some like-minded "Whales" are likely to take notice and really get the ball rolling. It takes far fewer of them to raise $6 million.

Sure, Baker is a control freak. You could say a lot worse about him (and some of you have). In the face of $6 million really, really big ones, though… let's just say the man can be bought.

Set the bar lower, though. We can all acknowledge that (1) everyone on the TSC message boards and SouthernFACTS.org truly cares about GSU athletics (specifically football) and (2) people who don't donate money and/or constructive time* to the advancement of GSU athletics aren't worth the baud rate it takes them to communicate online.

*Students and those with income restraints show constructive support by attending games and cajoling parents and friends into buying tickets or tagging along. Or by wearing GSU gear proudly, even out of state. Or by stopping by Southern Boosters and asking if there are volunteer opportunities.

So here is the challenge:

Raise One… Million… Dollars.

Find a way to earmark your fundraising effort as either "Pro-FCS" or "Pro-FBS." How you get everyone to coordinate this donation in one lump isn't my problem. I did my part writing a big-ass blog outlining my position and introducing the idea. Just raise one million new dollars (no cutting from current giving—that cheapens the statement). First to the goal gets bragging rights (and, I'll bet, the ear of the administration). At $50 a head, the first group to find one big Paulson Stadium crowd (20,000) on their side wins. I'm waiting with my $50. Even a press corps as disinterested in GSU as the Atlanta Journal-Constitution wouldn't be able to pass up a story about a stadium's worth of people giving a million clams just to make a statement about where they thought a storied football program should go next.

The losers should even donate whatever they gather in the loss. Then the Eagles win, hands down—not even Secret Sam would be able to escape the accountability that went with such a large single donation.

The next step, individually or collectively, should be pretty clear if anyone actually takes the $1 million challenge. The start, though, would be tremendous. It would tell GSU athletics—administration, fans, athletes, coaches—that no matter where they stand, the fans are ready to help. Even when they don't agree on the specifics, the fans care about the generality: Georgia Southern sports is important, for whatever reason.

That would be better than Heartbreaker, actually.

PS: Obviously, there are still some large holes about this pro-FBS stance here, as well as a single thread to tie all this together. Dammit, I'm going to write one more "Cliffs Notes" post about all of this. Look for it around Thursday or sometime after Memorial Day.

Lesson plans

2007-05-20T01:55:00.001-04:00

A few items on the faculty to-do list at the Lanier Drive Institute of Higher Thinking:

A final blog written almost exclusively for Georgia Southern football fans. At least for a while. If you haven't been paying attention or you're a little late to the game, start over here, move to this location here, then go here, and then here before winding up here.

We only track a few television programs at the Institute, many of which have wrapped their season or will be wrapping soon. Discussion to ensue.

Wild and wacky reprints: from the old Highly Sophisticated Rednecks blog (now defunct), the Institute is proud to reprint three entries from Chuck Klosterman's "Hypothetical Interludes," plus a brand new one! Exactly! Four hypothetical interludes!!

We'll do the wave by exploring the value of motorcycle etiquette in everyday society.

Plus music and a rundown of Summer Movie Mania 2007.

Stay tuned.